I honestly don't mean to be. Ive had a lot on my mind and such.
Since the beginning of this month, Ive been keeping to myself. Something I don't like to do often because I don't ever know what kind of place I'm in within my own mind. Good thing is that I haven't done anything to harm myself or my mind in any way like I did when I was younger but at the same time, its kept me away from speaking with friends like I always tend to. I feel like the light in my happiness is slowly going out and then it picks back up and then slowly goes out again. The worse part is my emotion. It honestly feels like I have none to encompass the truth in my feeling. And its pretty depressing to admit that. It was like this last month and it was something I had never went through before which weirded me out but it was better than feeling the normal depression that I would regularly have. In all honestly, I hate that I suffer from mental illness but then I feel like if I never had it in the first place, I wouldn't be the wonderful and grateful person that I am.
Another part of the reason why I am the way Ive been is my dating situation. Now that things have been ok between myself and this man whom I will call "M", Ive done what he's requested and wanted from me and thats giving him space. Ever since February and what happened to him, things have become in some weird standstill and I now blame myself because I could have stopped this. He sent me a snapchat (from my personal snapchat account. sorry guys, I don't have one dedicated to SG quite yet and I'm not comfortable giving out my personal) showing me a bottle of alcohol and saying that he was going to be "one with the bottle" and in which case I told him to please be safe and not do anything stupid. If I would have known what happened later on that night that we was going to do, I would have drove over there in a heartbeat and stopped what was to happen. M got into an accident without me knowing and a fellow friend of his asked of me where he was in which I had no knowledge of. When he finally found out, his friend kept it from me and I thought it otherwise and that he was safe. I was completely wrong. M told me later what exactly happened and I was horrified and happy that he was ok and only got out of the accident with whiplash and a shitty shoulder that he has to pop here and there to relieve the pain. But this also in turn has put a halt to us and no matter how much I try not to think about it, it crushes me. All I've wanted was this guy and I finally have him but at the same time, I don't.
Its so hard to type this out without crying. It really is.
It helps no better when other guys, even those who are close to me, can't respect my relationship and bond with M. In this time that we've dated til the point that we are now, its been hard to trust those friends who can't get a clue to the fact that I want M and only M. Not only that, the one word, the one statement that I've been so hard to professing has happened.
I am in love with M and all I want is M.
Living distance has been the hardest part and not only that, so has the distance that we've been having as a relationship. Maybe thats why I've just been so emotionless and distant. Except for work purposes in which I have to be lively with people and I vent to my coworker and seek advice from his point of view of each other's dating relationships. Either way, I know what I want and the shitty part is that I can't even come close to it at the moment because he wants to wallow in his self pity. Ive even asked friends if they've gotten a chance to see him and apparently, its rare to have an appearance from him outside of going to breweries together or music related stuff that he does for promoting the band he's in. I rarely speak to him in the first place per his request. More so than I did before. Usually I would respond to every snapchat he would send me and now its more like a here or there kind of thing. The most we seriously talked was last night. I guess he's currently under the weather and decided to snapchat me that while he was watching RAW last night and I was watching Rick and Morty.
I can just never catch a break and I know that feeling sorry for myself isnt going to help but at this rate, I feel like my strength emotionally is depleting and I don't even know what else to do but to just sit here and clear my head and just meditate.
Reading my cards (both tarot and animal spirit) have been a lot of help and meditation has been a big help too but I still feel as though I just don't want to be around a lot of people. Like at any moment I want to suffocate. I remember getting tattooed recently for Friday the 13th and that crowd of people was overwhelming. That and my state of mind was like a buzzkill and a complete overwhelming experience. I know that Ill get over this and go back to myself. I usually do. Its just I don't know how much I can take this circle of mindfuck.
Im looking forward to the future with my personal stuff though. Im looking forward to my first set and also looking forward to seeing my second set photos from my photographer once I contact him about them. I also have another photographer very interested in working with me so Im speaking to him about things and then another photographer I was suppose to shoot with but didn't get to that I need to contact. I don't know. Theres a ton of different things I'm looking forward to and summer is coming fast. I just want to do as much as I can to just better myself and experience new things. As well as have my friends by my side both SG and personal. This posting really helped me out too in releasing a lot of reopened wounds from these past weeks. I just gotta brace myself for whatever comes as well.
XO,
Hatsune
