Now that the post-Valentine's Day season is among us and the major retail stores aren't still telling you what is or is not romantic, most or all of you are at a loss as to what you should do for your loved one. So I'm here to help you. Or destroy you, I haven't really decided yet.
First up, some tips for the dudes. The first thing you should know is that happy people are only here so that the rest of us can level up our stabbing ability. So with that in mind, here's a few tips for winning over that potential mate you've had your disgusting imagination on.
Music:
It's always important to liven up your meaningless and boring existence with a good soundtrack. I'd recommend some tunes, but, unfortunately for me, I like Morrissey, despite my heterosexuality. So my taste in music cannot be trusted.
Small talk:
You're in a restaurant. A nice and fancy restaurant. You're telling your future ex-wife about the time you headbutted your mom into a pack of lions, when all of a sudden it strikes: The Uncomfortable Silence. Oh, no! What do you do? Show her your appendix scar? Act out scenes from Return of the Jedi using your cutlery? No! Well... maybe you could do a little of the Hoth battle. But stop before you get to the Tonton part. Trust me. Nothing kills a mood like the idea of sleeping inside a gutted animal. Unless she's into that. In which case you are the luckiest bastard ever. And I have completely forgotten what I was going to end this with. So you're on your own now.
(And, yes, I'm completely aware that the Hoth battle occured in Empire, thankyewverymuch.)
Gifts:
It's always important to lavish your lady with material possessions, especially when the initial "getting to know each other" phase is over and it turns out that you're a shallow and uninteresting asshole. So here's a few suggestions.
-Make her a dolphin suit out of raw meat and throw her into shark infested waters. The sharks, sensing the "dolphin" will use it's meaty powers to tear them a new blowhole, will protect your sweetheart from the true scourge of the deep: Aquaman.
-Sharpen the end of two roses into a point, light the roses on fire, and stab your chubbly wubby bubbly in the eyes. She might be horribly scarred and possibly blind, but after a decade or two in complete isolation from the rest of the world she will be quite insane. And then you can convince her she now sees in FLAMING LOVE-O-VISION.
-Buy a claw hammer and encase it in a secure safe. Then tell your lovey dovey that she never has to worry about being bludgeoned to death by that particular claw hammer. You've saved the day. Unfortunately, you can't guarantee her safety from the safe being dropped on her or something.
-Kill a grizzly bear and deliver it to your smoochy poochy. Teddy bears are cute, sure, but nothing says "L.U.V." like the decaying carcass of an animal so vicious that it can maul you, fight a fire, and ride a unicycle AT THE SAME TIME. (Personal anecdote: As I was carrying my dead bear to my chosen one's house, I was attacked by pirates. Since I had about 600 lbs of rotting mammal on my shoulders, the fight ended in a draw. But it turned out that they only wanted the bear because they were out of puppies to eat. So I ended up giving the bear to them, on the understanding that they would later help me raid the local tavern. Even though they never returned, I still remain proud that I was able to aid the forces of evil.)
I would be the best boyfriend ever.
What?
Hey, I'm a misanthrope, not a misogynist. To prove it, here's some tips for the ladies. But, fellas, listen closely.
Pretty much anything:
You've probably figured it out by now, but guys are stupid. Really, really stupid. I know this from firsthand experience. So the only things you'll ever need are low cut shirts and a taser.
Turning a guy down:
This is where the taser comes in handy. But in case you're a pacifist or a monk, here are some good lines to remember.
"I'd like to date you tonight, but I've already made plans to go back in time and cement your mother's vagina shut."
"You're very attractive and there's nothing I would like more than to pounce on you in a fit of wild monkey lovin', but that still doesn't change the fact that you're my cousin."
And the one I hear most: "No. Now please die."
Cheating:
It always happens. One day you're practicing how to spell your new last name, the next you're trying to burn off the herpes that you're convinced you caught from a public restroom. But you eventually come to accept that your boy stuck his Abraham Lincoln into the Frosted Flakes of some Around The World little G.I. Joe Villain with better Hot Pockets than you while overplaying the silly metaphor angle in an attempt to milk the laugh. So here's what you do...
1.) Dump him.
2.) Date me.
Simple, in'nit? But, seriously, I'm desperate here. I just spent an hour writing this so you can tell I have way too much time on my hands. And I'd be well aware that I'm only a temporary boyfriend until you can find something better. I'm quiet and small, so I won't fight back when you hit me. (Just don't be surprised when you later read my blog and I've cursed you to ovulate lava monsters that punch you in the uterus.)
The Only Undead Boyfriend That Won't Try To Eat Your Brains On The First Date,
-Astrosaurus
First up, some tips for the dudes. The first thing you should know is that happy people are only here so that the rest of us can level up our stabbing ability. So with that in mind, here's a few tips for winning over that potential mate you've had your disgusting imagination on.
Music:
It's always important to liven up your meaningless and boring existence with a good soundtrack. I'd recommend some tunes, but, unfortunately for me, I like Morrissey, despite my heterosexuality. So my taste in music cannot be trusted.
Small talk:
You're in a restaurant. A nice and fancy restaurant. You're telling your future ex-wife about the time you headbutted your mom into a pack of lions, when all of a sudden it strikes: The Uncomfortable Silence. Oh, no! What do you do? Show her your appendix scar? Act out scenes from Return of the Jedi using your cutlery? No! Well... maybe you could do a little of the Hoth battle. But stop before you get to the Tonton part. Trust me. Nothing kills a mood like the idea of sleeping inside a gutted animal. Unless she's into that. In which case you are the luckiest bastard ever. And I have completely forgotten what I was going to end this with. So you're on your own now.
(And, yes, I'm completely aware that the Hoth battle occured in Empire, thankyewverymuch.)
Gifts:
It's always important to lavish your lady with material possessions, especially when the initial "getting to know each other" phase is over and it turns out that you're a shallow and uninteresting asshole. So here's a few suggestions.
-Make her a dolphin suit out of raw meat and throw her into shark infested waters. The sharks, sensing the "dolphin" will use it's meaty powers to tear them a new blowhole, will protect your sweetheart from the true scourge of the deep: Aquaman.
-Sharpen the end of two roses into a point, light the roses on fire, and stab your chubbly wubby bubbly in the eyes. She might be horribly scarred and possibly blind, but after a decade or two in complete isolation from the rest of the world she will be quite insane. And then you can convince her she now sees in FLAMING LOVE-O-VISION.
-Buy a claw hammer and encase it in a secure safe. Then tell your lovey dovey that she never has to worry about being bludgeoned to death by that particular claw hammer. You've saved the day. Unfortunately, you can't guarantee her safety from the safe being dropped on her or something.
-Kill a grizzly bear and deliver it to your smoochy poochy. Teddy bears are cute, sure, but nothing says "L.U.V." like the decaying carcass of an animal so vicious that it can maul you, fight a fire, and ride a unicycle AT THE SAME TIME. (Personal anecdote: As I was carrying my dead bear to my chosen one's house, I was attacked by pirates. Since I had about 600 lbs of rotting mammal on my shoulders, the fight ended in a draw. But it turned out that they only wanted the bear because they were out of puppies to eat. So I ended up giving the bear to them, on the understanding that they would later help me raid the local tavern. Even though they never returned, I still remain proud that I was able to aid the forces of evil.)
I would be the best boyfriend ever.
What?
Hey, I'm a misanthrope, not a misogynist. To prove it, here's some tips for the ladies. But, fellas, listen closely.
Pretty much anything:
You've probably figured it out by now, but guys are stupid. Really, really stupid. I know this from firsthand experience. So the only things you'll ever need are low cut shirts and a taser.
Turning a guy down:
This is where the taser comes in handy. But in case you're a pacifist or a monk, here are some good lines to remember.
"I'd like to date you tonight, but I've already made plans to go back in time and cement your mother's vagina shut."
"You're very attractive and there's nothing I would like more than to pounce on you in a fit of wild monkey lovin', but that still doesn't change the fact that you're my cousin."
And the one I hear most: "No. Now please die."
Cheating:
It always happens. One day you're practicing how to spell your new last name, the next you're trying to burn off the herpes that you're convinced you caught from a public restroom. But you eventually come to accept that your boy stuck his Abraham Lincoln into the Frosted Flakes of some Around The World little G.I. Joe Villain with better Hot Pockets than you while overplaying the silly metaphor angle in an attempt to milk the laugh. So here's what you do...
1.) Dump him.
2.) Date me.
Simple, in'nit? But, seriously, I'm desperate here. I just spent an hour writing this so you can tell I have way too much time on my hands. And I'd be well aware that I'm only a temporary boyfriend until you can find something better. I'm quiet and small, so I won't fight back when you hit me. (Just don't be surprised when you later read my blog and I've cursed you to ovulate lava monsters that punch you in the uterus.)
The Only Undead Boyfriend That Won't Try To Eat Your Brains On The First Date,
-Astrosaurus
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Happy Monday!
xox