Here's a story so bizarre IT HAS TO BE TRUE.
So I moved back to southern California recently (did I forget to mention that?
). And during my first weekend back, this community college I'd never heard of was having some fair or something. I didn't want to go, but two friends of mine whom I haven't seen in about a year did. So I went. I figured it would be a three or four hour waste of time, but at least I'd be spending it in company I enjoyed.
The fair was mostly an art show and "recruitment" drive. But there was this stage set up for a Dating Game rip-off (Dating Stage!). Basically, you signed up right there and then, waited in a tent for an hour or two, and then were randomly chosen to participate. Since people signed up right then and there, they were always short of participants.
Since everyone involved were moron college students, every round was basically just an endless string of unsubtle sexual metaphors. You couldn't escape it, either. Every fifteen minutes the loud-speakers all over the campus would blare "Sign up for Dating Stage now! Win a date with a hottie! You could be our next hook-up!" Normally, this just would have gotten on my nerves. But thanks to some contraband alcohol, it was getting me angry.
So, of course, I signed up out of spite.
After an hour and a half, I was chosen as Bachelor Number Three. So by this time I was not only mad, but also inebriated enough to not give a damn what anybody thought of me. Andy Kaufman mode: INITIATE.
So the time came for us to introduce ourselves to the mystery date. The first two guys followed the usual pattern: "Hi, my name is Something Generically Preppy Like Mark or Dave. I'm however many years old. I like to listen to music, hang out, and party. I'm a student here at Whatever Community College. GO LOCAL FOOTBALL TEAM! (To which the crowd would always clap.) And if you choose me, I'll rock you like a hurricane... if you know what I mean."
Whereas I said, "My name is Zap Brannigan. I am half-Klingon and half-tentacle monster. I am a student at U.C.I.P. (say it out loud). If you choose me, I'll have sex with you... if you know what I mean." Then I started laughing obnoxiously and elbowed the guy next to me.
On to the question round. My first question was, "If you were a pair of jeans, what kind of jeans would you be?" I answered with, "Well, I'm the kind of jeans that you'd only buy because they were fashionable. I'm overpriced, despite having been made for pennies by underpaid Guatemalan children. And while I'll look good on you at first, you'll regret buying me two sizes too small once you get pregnant and fat and lose your figure forever."
The next question was, "If I were a country, what would my national anthem be?" I don't know if they were expecting an answer like "Hail to the Hottie" or "God Spank The Queen." But I started half-singing (this is as best as I can remember it, at least): "My country iiiiis a teen, she's got a heart and spleen, and likes ice creeeam. Her rear is faaaaar and wide, big as a moun-tainside, there is no place to hide, not even Tatooine. Or something." While the girl seemed to take offense, I still feel I should've won automatically for making the game's only Star Wars reference.
After that I was pretty much ignored. The other two guys got asked, like, five more questions until we were all asked to give parting statements in a last attempt to get chosen. I said, "Well, if you don't choose me you'll most likely get testicular cancer. See, I have super powers. And one of my powers is the ability to travel time. I can go back in time and tell you not to get testicular cancer and you won't. But if you don't choose me, I won't go back in time and you won't know to not get testicular cancer."
Needless to say, I lost. But afterwards I got approached by these two girls. They thought I was really funny and liked how I "parodied the macho chauvanist attitude" of all the other guys who played. I talked to them for twenty minutes after that. They were self-styled feminists and were angry at the afore-mentioned "sexual psuedo-metaphors" (or however they worded it). So I figured I'd go for broke and I asked one of them out. She politely declined, claiming she was seeing someone already. Then my friends showed up and started talking to them.
Long story short: My friends ended up getting dates with them. Apparently when I went to the bathroom, the girls asked them out.
They're out right now as I type this.
So I moved back to southern California recently (did I forget to mention that?
). And during my first weekend back, this community college I'd never heard of was having some fair or something. I didn't want to go, but two friends of mine whom I haven't seen in about a year did. So I went. I figured it would be a three or four hour waste of time, but at least I'd be spending it in company I enjoyed.
The fair was mostly an art show and "recruitment" drive. But there was this stage set up for a Dating Game rip-off (Dating Stage!). Basically, you signed up right there and then, waited in a tent for an hour or two, and then were randomly chosen to participate. Since people signed up right then and there, they were always short of participants.
Since everyone involved were moron college students, every round was basically just an endless string of unsubtle sexual metaphors. You couldn't escape it, either. Every fifteen minutes the loud-speakers all over the campus would blare "Sign up for Dating Stage now! Win a date with a hottie! You could be our next hook-up!" Normally, this just would have gotten on my nerves. But thanks to some contraband alcohol, it was getting me angry.
So, of course, I signed up out of spite.
After an hour and a half, I was chosen as Bachelor Number Three. So by this time I was not only mad, but also inebriated enough to not give a damn what anybody thought of me. Andy Kaufman mode: INITIATE.
So the time came for us to introduce ourselves to the mystery date. The first two guys followed the usual pattern: "Hi, my name is Something Generically Preppy Like Mark or Dave. I'm however many years old. I like to listen to music, hang out, and party. I'm a student here at Whatever Community College. GO LOCAL FOOTBALL TEAM! (To which the crowd would always clap.) And if you choose me, I'll rock you like a hurricane... if you know what I mean."
Whereas I said, "My name is Zap Brannigan. I am half-Klingon and half-tentacle monster. I am a student at U.C.I.P. (say it out loud). If you choose me, I'll have sex with you... if you know what I mean." Then I started laughing obnoxiously and elbowed the guy next to me.
On to the question round. My first question was, "If you were a pair of jeans, what kind of jeans would you be?" I answered with, "Well, I'm the kind of jeans that you'd only buy because they were fashionable. I'm overpriced, despite having been made for pennies by underpaid Guatemalan children. And while I'll look good on you at first, you'll regret buying me two sizes too small once you get pregnant and fat and lose your figure forever."
The next question was, "If I were a country, what would my national anthem be?" I don't know if they were expecting an answer like "Hail to the Hottie" or "God Spank The Queen." But I started half-singing (this is as best as I can remember it, at least): "My country iiiiis a teen, she's got a heart and spleen, and likes ice creeeam. Her rear is faaaaar and wide, big as a moun-tainside, there is no place to hide, not even Tatooine. Or something." While the girl seemed to take offense, I still feel I should've won automatically for making the game's only Star Wars reference.
After that I was pretty much ignored. The other two guys got asked, like, five more questions until we were all asked to give parting statements in a last attempt to get chosen. I said, "Well, if you don't choose me you'll most likely get testicular cancer. See, I have super powers. And one of my powers is the ability to travel time. I can go back in time and tell you not to get testicular cancer and you won't. But if you don't choose me, I won't go back in time and you won't know to not get testicular cancer."
Needless to say, I lost. But afterwards I got approached by these two girls. They thought I was really funny and liked how I "parodied the macho chauvanist attitude" of all the other guys who played. I talked to them for twenty minutes after that. They were self-styled feminists and were angry at the afore-mentioned "sexual psuedo-metaphors" (or however they worded it). So I figured I'd go for broke and I asked one of them out. She politely declined, claiming she was seeing someone already. Then my friends showed up and started talking to them.
Long story short: My friends ended up getting dates with them. Apparently when I went to the bathroom, the girls asked them out.
They're out right now as I type this.
VIEW 3 of 3 COMMENTS
It's hard to live in a world that doesn't respect a good movie reference and/or quote . ESPECIALLY a Star Wars reference!!!!! That's just plain unacceptable . I work for a company that manufactures and sells furniture . One time I was taking a customer's order out to them . It was a futon . So I put it on a cart and launched it towards the people that hand out the orders and yelled " FIRE FUTON TORPEDO!!!! " , which I thought was pretty damn funny .
NOTHING .
What a waste of a perfectly good obscure Sci-Fi reference .