hastwothumbs

The death motif continues here at Revenge of Strange and Crappy Short Story Bonanza. I've got some serious issues.



I Know Why The Sitcom Stars Cry

"Hey, Jacques, want to hear a joke?" asked Brandon Middleman.
"Sure," Jacques replied.
"Okay, why did the ancient Greek athletes compete in the nude?"
"Um, I don't know. Why?"
"Because they believed that the gods often gave people magical stuff. So if you were the fastest guy, say, one of your opponents could say that Hermes or someone gave you special sandals that made you faster. Then you'd be disqualified. Or burned at the stake, I forget which."
"That's not a very good joke."
"Never said it was."
"So is the moral of the joke that being naked is the only way to prove your manhood?"
Brandon started laughing. "Ha! 'Manhood.' Awesome."
"Ugh. I didn't mean it like that."
"Yeah, right."
"So is that the moral or not?"
"Fuck should I know? I didn't come up with it."
"You didn't?"
"Naw, man. Jerry's friend did."
"And you heard it from Jerry's friend?"
"Jerry's friend told Jerry and Jerry told me."
"So you mean that this awful joke is being passed around?"
"Well, I guess so, yeah."
"That's terrible! Do you have any idea what this kind of joke would do to the very fabric of comedy?"
"What? Hey, man, lighten up, it's just a..."
Before he could finish, Jacques grabbed a nearby pipe and bashed him in the head.
"OW! What the hell'd you do that for?"
"I was trying to kill the part of your brain that stored that joke."
"What joke?"
"Okay, good. It worked. Now I have to get everyone else."
"Hey, I think I need to get to a hospital. My eyes are bleeding."
"You're fine, pussy. Go watch television."
As Brandon settled in to watch reruns of "Friends" (which he could now enjoy, thanks to his new brain damage) Jacques set out to find Jerry and Jerry's friend. Not knowing who Jerry's friend was, Jacques visited Jerry first.
"Jerry, Jacques is here," Jerry's wife announced as she led Jacques into the living room.
"Heeeey, buddy," Jerry said. "Sit down and watch the game with me."
"No time," Jacques said. "I'm here about a joke."
"A joke? Hey, I just heard a great one. Why did the ancient Greek athletes compete in the nude?"
"That's the one. Who told it to you?"
"Well, Franz did. Why?"
"Where does Franz live?"
"House down the street, blue one. Got a tree swing in the the yard. Why?"
"No time to explain!" Jacques bashed Jerry in the head with the pipe. "Do you remember the joke?"
"Joke? What joke? Why do I have a dent in my head?"
"Jesus Christ, Jacques," Jerry's wife screamed. "What are you doing?"
"Damn," Jacques growled. "You probably heard the joke." With lightning speed, Jacques jumped over a couch and bashed in Jerry's wife's skull. "Do you remember the joke?"
"Hey, what the fuck are you doing to my wife?" Jerry yelled.
"What did he do?" Jerry's wife asked.
"He just hit you with a pipe," exclaimed Jerry.
"He did?"
"Yes, he did! Your eyeball is hanging from your head!"
"Hmmm," thought Jacques. "I better hit him again so he forgets I hit his wife." Jacques hit Jerry twice as hard this time.
"Oh my god," screamed Jerry's wife. "What are you doing, Jacques?"
"Damn it," Jacques thought. "I have to hit her again, too." He hit her twice as hard.
"Jacques," Jerry mumbled groggily. "You've had a pipe in the head with my wife." To which Jacques hit Jerry again. Jerry fell to the floor, quite dead.
"A dead pipe you are to my husband," Jerry's wife muttered. So Jacques hit her again. She collapsed, just as dead as Jerry.
"It was a shame I had to kill them," Jacques lamented. "But at least the world is one step closer to safety." Just then, Jerry's eight-year-old son, Marvin, arrived home from school. Luckily for Jacques, Marvin had entered through the kitchen, so he hadn't seen his mother and father. Jacques swallowed, dreading what he might have to do, as he walked into the kitchen.
"Hey, uncle Jacques," Marvin said.
"Marvin," Jacques greeted. "How was your day at school?"
"It was okay. Daddy told me this great joke yesterday at dinner. Hey, uncle Jacques, why did the ancient Greek athletes compete naked?"
With a heavy heart, Jacques approached Marvin. "I've heard it, Marvin. Tell me, did you repeat this joke to any of your classmates?"
"Gosh, no. My teachers don't like the ancient Greeks, on account of them being heathens and pagans and stuff. I coulda got detention just for talking about them."
Jacques breathed a small sigh of relief. "Good. But, hey, I've got a better joke. Want to hear it?"
"Sure thing, uncle Jacques."
"Alright. Close your eyes, first. It's only funny if your eyes are closed. Good boy. Now, what will God say to you when you get to Heaven?"
"I give up, uncle Jacques. What?"
Jacques bashed in Marvin's head with the pipe.
"I give up, too, Marvin," Jacques cried. Slowly, Jacques made his way to Jerry's friend's house. To his dismay, two young girls were playing in the front yard.
"Hello," Jacques said meakly. "Is your daddy home?"
"Sure he is," the older of the two girls said. "I'll go get him."
"Thanks," Jacques said as she ran off. To the remaining girl he said, "Did your daddy tell you the Greek joke?"
"No, sir," she answered. "Daddy says we're too young to hear jokes."
"Oh, good," Jacques sighed. His relief was temporary, though. When Jerry's friend came out, Jacques became blinded by fury. So mad, inf act, that Jacques would have ended it right then and there. However, Jerry's friend was carrying the older daughter, so Jacques did not have a clear shot with his pipe.
"Can I help you, pal?" Jerry's friend asked.
"You," Jacques sneered. "You and your damn joke."
"Joke?"
"The Greek joke."
"Oh, that."
"Do you have any what your joke has done?"
"I don't know what you're talking about." Jerry's friend was starting to get nervous. He put the daughter down and gently pushed her behind him, giving Jacques a clear shot.
"Who else did you tell the joke to?"
Hell"Buddy, you better make yourself scarce. I'm about to call the cops."
"Who else?!" Jacques screamed. "Who else but Jerry?"
"No one," Jerry's friend cried. "Honest."
"Not even your wife?"
"She's visiting her mother. Has been all week."
"Only Jerry, then?"
"Yeah, mister. Geez, what's this all about?"
In another display of his lightning speed, Jacques cracked open Jerry's friend's skull with the pipe. Jerry's friend stumbled, so Jacques hit him again. Even after Jerry's friend had fallen, dead as Jerry, Jacques continued to smash his skull. So intent was he on destroying the mind that spawned the joke that he didn't let up until one of the girls began screaming. Jacques looked up and watched the both of them dash into the house. His first instinct was to chase after them and remove the past ten minutes from their memory by force.
"No," he finally decided. "They don't know the joke." As the sound of sirens approached, Jacques took a long, thoughtful look at the pipe. "But I do. I'm the last one. The last one." A police car screeched to a halt behind him. Jacques heard the officers hastily get out and begin to yell demands, but ifound it easy to ignore them. He swung the pipe at his head, but fear stayed his hand from giving the blow the necessary amount of force. When he raised the pipe a second time, he was tackled by three officers. Jacques fought them, kicking and thrashing, but he couldn't free himself.
"I still remember it," he screamed. "Let me go! I have to forget! I have to!"
His efforts were futile and he was arrested. One of the officers had to hold him down in the back of the police car, to keep him from banging his head against the door.
Jacques spent the remaining forty-seven years of his life in an asylum, constantly tormented by the joke.