hastwothumbs

I've been watching reruns of The Twilight Zone way too much lately, as you can tell from this installment of Revenge of Strange and Crappy Short Story Bonanza. You can see the ending coming from a mile away.

I suck.

JFK Saves The Day

"There's nothing here but sand," whined Crass Masterson.
"I coulda swore there were ghosts here, Crass," Killroy Peterson said. "Honest, Crass. There were ghosts here."
"You drag us all the way out to Old Man Sutten's abandoned mill to look at sand?" Crass yelled.
"No, Crass, honest," Killroy cried. "Venerial saw 'em, too. Ain't that right, Venerial?"
"Sure, man, sure," Venerial agreed in a tone that didn't quite match sincere. "I saw a whole army of... wait a sec. What was that noise?" The trio of boys stood silently, holding their breath in anticipation. "Yeah, I definitely heard something." He pointed at a large pile of sand in a suspiciously dark corner. "Came from over here." Venerial slowly crept toward the sand. Once he was next to it, he stuck his index finger into the sand and drew a happy face. "Oh, God, no! Run for your lives, gents! It's the ghost of Christmas future!"
As Crass and Venerial began laughing, Killroy muttered, "Yeah, you just laugh it up, mack."
"Ah, don't let him get your craw," Crass said. "He's just joking around."
"He's a regular Bob Hope, he is," Killroy sneered.
"Come on," Venerial put his arm around Killroy. "Just for being a sport, I'll buy you a malted at the general store. How's about it?"
"Alright, okay," Killroy cracked a smile. "I guess it was kinda funny."
"That's the ticket," Venerial nudged Killroy's chin with his fist.
As they were about to leave, Crass picked up a plank of wood. "Either of you guys up for burning this place down?"
Venerial and Killroy exchanged confused glances.
"Why would we wanna do that?" Killroy asked.
"'Cause of Old Man Sutter's niece," Crass explained. "Remember, I asked her to the big spring hop? She said she hadda wash her hair and then showed up with that creep football player from Highville High?"
"Oh, right," Venerial nodded. "So how would burning a bunch of sand piles get back at her?"
"I dunno," Crass shrugged and threw the plank at an old furnace. "Maybe she really likes the beach?"
Venerial and Killroy laughed at him. "Alright," Killroy gave in. "With logic like that, who could resist?"
So they burnt the mill down. It wasn't a particularly memorable fire, which left the trio a bit disappointed. Still, it did the job and within two hours the mill was more or less destroyed. It took the boys longer to hike back to their car than it did to watch the destruction.
When they finally got back to the highway where they had left the automobile, they could hear the engine running as they approached.
"You idiot," Killroy said to Venerial. "You left the car running."
"No way," Venerial said. "I swear I turned it off."
When they were about twenty feet away the headlights turned on, temporarily blinding all three of them.
"Somebody's in my car," Venerial growled.
Stumbling blindly and somewhat cautiously forward, Crass yelled, "Buddy, whoever you are, you just earned yourself a first class beating."
Simultaneously, the engine shut off. This stopped the boys in their tracks. They tensed up when the driver's side door opened and a man stepped out. The stranger shut the door and stepped in front of the car. The glare from the headlights made it impossible for the boys to see anything but the outline of the man. All they could tell was that this guy was really, really tall.
"What are you young fellows doing out in the middle of the night?" the stranger asked. "And in the woods no less?"
"What are you doing in my car?" Venerial shot back.
"I saw an abandoned car on the side of the highway and thought someone might be in trouble," the stranger answered.
"Well, there's no trouble here," Killroy said in his most confrontational voice. "So you can buzz off now, pops."
"You shouldn't swear," the stranger said. He then began walking toward the boys, who all took one step backwards. Finally the boys could properly see him in the light. To their dismay, he was a police officer.
"Oh, jeez, sir," Crass swallowed. "We're awful sorry. We didn't know you were an officer of the law. We thought you were a masher or maybe a pervert."
"No harm done, boys," the officer chuckled. "Now what say you give me a lift back to town so we can get away from this forest. They say it's haunted."
"Sure thing, sir," Venerial eagerly agreed.
"I'll drive," the officer said.
"Of course, sir," Venerial eagerly agreed.
They all loaded into the car, with the officer behind the wheel. The first half of an hour was spent in silence. It was only when they were descending the winding curves of Twilight Mountain that the officer observed, "You boys never answered my question."
"What?" Venerial asked. "Which question?"
"What were three young men doing in the woods in the middle of the night? That's what I'm wondering."
"Oh," Crass was the first to speak up. "Nothing much. We, uh, we're all on the football team. We go out to the woods to practice. But we couldn't get out until late today on account of all the studying we were doing this afternoon."
"Yeah," Killroy chimed in. "Gotta get good grades."
The officer just nodded silently.
"So, uh, Crass," Venerial began to reinforce the story, afraid the officer wasn't buying it. "Did you ever figure out the answer to number seven?"
"Seven?" Crass choked. "Oh. Oh, yeah. Sure, number seven. You just multiply the factor by the divided given. Just like the formula for hydrodynamic space jet propulsion."
"Of course," Venerial nodded. "Why didn't I think of that?"
"You boys sure know your science," the officer said. "I'm impressed."
"Oh, sure," Killroy broke in. "We love science. And math, too."
No one said much after that. The boys were pretty sure the officer had fallen for their lie.
"I used to live around here," the officer randomly said twenty minutes later.
"Oh, yeah?" Venerial smiled vacantly, uninterested.
"Yep," the officer seemed to gloat. "But my house burned down. Arson." All three boys exchanged nervous glances. "I guess it was for the best, though. It's why I became a police officer, you know, so I could catch the guys who did it and make them pay."
"Hey," Venerial shrugged. "Everyone needs a hobby."
"It's very important to have a life goal," the officer mused. "Drive is one of the keys to life, boys."
"Keys?" Venerial mumbled. Suddenly, he gasped and backed into the door, eyes wide with horror.
"What's the matter, man?" Crass asked. "You okay?"
"Keys," Venerial whispered. He then reached into his pocket and pulled out his car keys. "I never gave you the keys to the car."
"No," the officer admitted. "No, you didn't."
"What's going on?" Killroy questioned. "Did you hotwire the car or something?"
"Of course not," the officer scolded. "I'm not some lowlife car thief."
"Then who are you?" Crass demanded.
"Me?" the officer turned his head to look back at Crass. "I'm the ghost of Christmas future."
All three boys began to scream when, right before their eyes, the officer began to melt. They were so horrified they didn't even notice the car veer off a cliff. The last thing any of them saw was the smiling pile of sand sitting in the front seat.