Since nothing new or exciting is going on, I've got the urge to bring back Strange and Crappy Short Story Bonanza. For those of you just joining us, Strange and Crappy Short Story Bonanza is where I spend an hour (in this case, let's make it the 9-10 PM Pacific hour) doing a free form short story. No editing, no predestination (predestination? what?). Just whatever comes out of my misshapen head (and no, I don't know why this first story is so morbid; it just happened).
And on the off chance you're interested in the first one, here's the beginning of it. It was supposed to go on for a week, but lasted about two. I'm not going to assign a deadline for this one. I'll just do it until I get bored.
So here it is:
The Revenge of Short and Crappy Short Story Bonanza.
The Untied Shoelace Blues
"Damnation, Judith," Bobby said. "If I could get you to listen for a moment it would all make sense."
"Bobby Pillbox-Wilshire," Judith stormed. "If I could just get you to shut up for a moment I'd be able to tell you I don't care."
"Alright, look, it all started when I got discharged from the Navy," Bobby began. "You remember that, don't you? I got discharged on account of my drug problem."
"That happened before you met me."
"Oh. Well, look, that's beside the point. The story has nothing to do with who I did or did not know at the time. So there I was, walking down the ramp of a battleship, all my luggage in..."
"You were in the Navy?" Judith interrupted.
"Not officially. "They wouldn't let me in on account of my drug problem."
"So what were you doing on a battleship?"
"Cleaning toilets, mostly."
"They have toilets on battleships?"
"Well, yeah, where else would you expect the seamen to potty? Over the side of the boat?"
"Heavens, no. I just expected they loaded all the... unrecyclables into the guns and shot it at the enemy or something."
"And get the missiles dirty?! What kind of shoddy, uncivilized operation do you think the United States Navy is running?"
"I don't know."
"Damn right you don't know. Now where was I?"
"You were just about to explain why I shouldn't stab you."
"Oh, right, that. So there I was, standing on the docks with my suitcase in my hand. I began fixing the bandana on my officer's uniform. Er, rented, mind you. That's when I met Lucille. You know Lucille."
"I've known Lucille for twelve years. Which trumps you by four."
"Exactly. And you know her weakness for a man in uniform."
"I also know most of this story. You meeting her led to her introducing you to me. I should think I would remember how I met my first husband."
"But what you don't know is that before I knew you, I knew her."
Judith shot him a puzzled look. "Are you saying what you better not be saying?"
"Yeah..."
"Buddy, you are about to get stabbed!"
"Wait, wait! Just hear me out! See, it goes to reason, mind you, that seeing as I slept with her before I knew you, my relationship with Lucille pre-dates my relationship with you. So, when you think about it, it goes to reason even further that when I slept with her last night, I wasn't cheating on her. Because, technically, I was seeing her first, so, really, you could say that I wasn't cheating on you with her... I was cheating on her with you. Get what I'm saying?"
Judith stabbed Bobby, who had wanted to absolve himself before God and possibly Jesus before death but decided instead that common courtesy demand he die quickly.
After making sure Bobby was quite dead, Judith stabbed Lucille's corpse once more before disposing of both bodies. She picked a charming pond in the middle of a nearby park as the right spot to rid herself of the troublesome duo. With speed and precision, she tied them to the heaviest rocks she could find. However, when she tried to push the rocks into the lake, she found they were much to heavy for her. So, instead, she untied the corpses and just dragged them into the water.
It was just about nightfall, so she figured she had a good half of an hour to sit by the pond and feed the gathered throngs of fowl before the sun finally set. Her plans were set back when she realized she had forgotten to bring her bag of duck feed with her. This didn't stop her from enjoying the rest of her evening, however. To her delight, a small frog had decided to use Lucille's bobbing body for a lily pad. The frog had leapt onto Lucille from the bank and its momentum sprang Lucille forward, whereupon her head collided into Bobby's with a small thunk.
As Judith giggled, an officer of the law approached her.
"Pardon me, ma'am," the officer said. "But we've gotten some reports that there's a slasher in the area, as evidenced by those two bodies you see before you. Might you happen to be that slasher?"
"Oh, heavens, no," Judith answered. "Just a concerned citizen, guarding the scene of the crime from vandals, hoodlums, and all other degree of teenagers."
"Well, on behalf of the United States Police Force, I thank you for your good work, citizen," the officer beamed. "Now, if you'll kindly keep an eye out for just another minute while I inform the newspapers of the murder scene. Won't be a minute but I have to get them out here to investigate."
"Not at all. Ever since you began getting newspaper journalists to solve crimes for you this country has been a paradise."
"Don't I know it. It's like I'm always on vacation. Only getting paid for it!"
"Well, let me save you a trip to the phone booth. See, I happen to be a newspaper journalist and it's my informed opinion that these two people were killed by outer space aliens."
"Those damnable aliens! They've been causing trouble since the first day we let them move into the cities. Did you know they're the cause of 98% of crime, these days? It's a good thing we still have respectable, law-abiding humans to report when they cause mischief."
"Especially when those aliens aren't allowed to testify in court."
"Well how are we expected to believe they're telling the truth before God if they don't even believe He exists? Ah, well. It's not my soul that'll be burning for eternity. You'll still be willing to testify when we find the little bug-eyed bastard what did this, right, ma'am?"
"Of course."
"Terrific. Just come down to the court house tomorrow."
"How will I know which trial to testify at?"
"Oh, just pick any one. It hardly matters anymore."
And on the off chance you're interested in the first one, here's the beginning of it. It was supposed to go on for a week, but lasted about two. I'm not going to assign a deadline for this one. I'll just do it until I get bored.
So here it is:
The Revenge of Short and Crappy Short Story Bonanza.
The Untied Shoelace Blues
"Damnation, Judith," Bobby said. "If I could get you to listen for a moment it would all make sense."
"Bobby Pillbox-Wilshire," Judith stormed. "If I could just get you to shut up for a moment I'd be able to tell you I don't care."
"Alright, look, it all started when I got discharged from the Navy," Bobby began. "You remember that, don't you? I got discharged on account of my drug problem."
"That happened before you met me."
"Oh. Well, look, that's beside the point. The story has nothing to do with who I did or did not know at the time. So there I was, walking down the ramp of a battleship, all my luggage in..."
"You were in the Navy?" Judith interrupted.
"Not officially. "They wouldn't let me in on account of my drug problem."
"So what were you doing on a battleship?"
"Cleaning toilets, mostly."
"They have toilets on battleships?"
"Well, yeah, where else would you expect the seamen to potty? Over the side of the boat?"
"Heavens, no. I just expected they loaded all the... unrecyclables into the guns and shot it at the enemy or something."
"And get the missiles dirty?! What kind of shoddy, uncivilized operation do you think the United States Navy is running?"
"I don't know."
"Damn right you don't know. Now where was I?"
"You were just about to explain why I shouldn't stab you."
"Oh, right, that. So there I was, standing on the docks with my suitcase in my hand. I began fixing the bandana on my officer's uniform. Er, rented, mind you. That's when I met Lucille. You know Lucille."
"I've known Lucille for twelve years. Which trumps you by four."
"Exactly. And you know her weakness for a man in uniform."
"I also know most of this story. You meeting her led to her introducing you to me. I should think I would remember how I met my first husband."
"But what you don't know is that before I knew you, I knew her."
Judith shot him a puzzled look. "Are you saying what you better not be saying?"
"Yeah..."
"Buddy, you are about to get stabbed!"
"Wait, wait! Just hear me out! See, it goes to reason, mind you, that seeing as I slept with her before I knew you, my relationship with Lucille pre-dates my relationship with you. So, when you think about it, it goes to reason even further that when I slept with her last night, I wasn't cheating on her. Because, technically, I was seeing her first, so, really, you could say that I wasn't cheating on you with her... I was cheating on her with you. Get what I'm saying?"
Judith stabbed Bobby, who had wanted to absolve himself before God and possibly Jesus before death but decided instead that common courtesy demand he die quickly.
After making sure Bobby was quite dead, Judith stabbed Lucille's corpse once more before disposing of both bodies. She picked a charming pond in the middle of a nearby park as the right spot to rid herself of the troublesome duo. With speed and precision, she tied them to the heaviest rocks she could find. However, when she tried to push the rocks into the lake, she found they were much to heavy for her. So, instead, she untied the corpses and just dragged them into the water.
It was just about nightfall, so she figured she had a good half of an hour to sit by the pond and feed the gathered throngs of fowl before the sun finally set. Her plans were set back when she realized she had forgotten to bring her bag of duck feed with her. This didn't stop her from enjoying the rest of her evening, however. To her delight, a small frog had decided to use Lucille's bobbing body for a lily pad. The frog had leapt onto Lucille from the bank and its momentum sprang Lucille forward, whereupon her head collided into Bobby's with a small thunk.
As Judith giggled, an officer of the law approached her.
"Pardon me, ma'am," the officer said. "But we've gotten some reports that there's a slasher in the area, as evidenced by those two bodies you see before you. Might you happen to be that slasher?"
"Oh, heavens, no," Judith answered. "Just a concerned citizen, guarding the scene of the crime from vandals, hoodlums, and all other degree of teenagers."
"Well, on behalf of the United States Police Force, I thank you for your good work, citizen," the officer beamed. "Now, if you'll kindly keep an eye out for just another minute while I inform the newspapers of the murder scene. Won't be a minute but I have to get them out here to investigate."
"Not at all. Ever since you began getting newspaper journalists to solve crimes for you this country has been a paradise."
"Don't I know it. It's like I'm always on vacation. Only getting paid for it!"
"Well, let me save you a trip to the phone booth. See, I happen to be a newspaper journalist and it's my informed opinion that these two people were killed by outer space aliens."
"Those damnable aliens! They've been causing trouble since the first day we let them move into the cities. Did you know they're the cause of 98% of crime, these days? It's a good thing we still have respectable, law-abiding humans to report when they cause mischief."
"Especially when those aliens aren't allowed to testify in court."
"Well how are we expected to believe they're telling the truth before God if they don't even believe He exists? Ah, well. It's not my soul that'll be burning for eternity. You'll still be willing to testify when we find the little bug-eyed bastard what did this, right, ma'am?"
"Of course."
"Terrific. Just come down to the court house tomorrow."
"How will I know which trial to testify at?"
"Oh, just pick any one. It hardly matters anymore."
clara:
That was enjoyable. Do it again.