Here's a surprise story from the vault... because I've really got nothing to talk about. It's kinda a collaboration with a friend . I say kinda because we really only collaborated on the first two or three paragraphs before I took over. The original story is much, much longer. But I feel the beginning, which is what this is, is the best part.
Find me a broken mirror and Ill show you the only pure truth that man can manufacture, goes the famous opening quote to famous author Brett Handerjobs famous novel "Famous Fame-ites and The Burning Zombies of Israel." Unfortunately for Handerjob, his extreme political views, as drowned in metaphor as they are, keep the book from achieving mainstream success. Some say Handerjob is just ahead of his time, others say hes a frothing racist with a messiah complex. All agree that he was short and bald, but that did not keep him from attending the finest parties New York City had to offer a neutered underdog, as he was conditionally considered a Z-Rate Sigmund Freud due to a small pamphlet of sexually perverse personal confessions he published while attending NYU that gave him intimate access to the rich and powerful who feared for their sanity and their place in paradise and all the possible heavens above and below the trust funds the good lord had endowed them. Most of all, though, he was afraid of being damned to a run-on sentence in some drug fiends Radiohead fanzine, citing a desire to see the soon-to-be-late Thom Yorke remembered only in the cel phone versions of his songs.
Thom Yorke, it has been said, was the arch-nemesis of Brett Handerjobs nephew, Victor Van Fellateor. Being Handerjobs favorite relative gave Victor a strong ally and a economic heads-up in the post millennium all-American metropolis. Victor often belittled Yorke during Handerjobs internationally-broadcasted late night talk show Sex and the Sins we need for Sustenance. The show was a public forum that allowed Victor to constantly one-up his rival, whose only vocal milieu was an internet journal on a popular community/pornographic site (which, ironically, was struggling to stay in business after a peer-to-peer file-sharing network made paragraphs, the sites backbone, obsolete). Victor was never allowed to voice his opinions himself on the air, but since no one really cared about the feud there was never any desire to confirm the positive, negative, or neutral sexual proclivities which assumed Handerjobs reporting ability was good, bad, or average. The neutral opinion became very popular when Handerjob won a prestigious radio award three years later for Most Okay Pituitary Reporting While Under The Influence of Narcotics or Amphetamines for his enlightening input on a NBC reality show about grandmothers and their favorite brands of chocolate dildos, cranny ramming dueche daddies, and ass walnuts. As was predicted by the seer Nostradamus, the senior citizens of the Southern and Midwest territories stormed Washington and hung president George Fuh Kabush and vice-president Al Jerkintobewatching.
With the leaders of the country dead, the army was unable to muster a suitable retaliation. Unopposed, the senior citizens claimed complete dominance over the United Stations of Amerall Medicated. They ruled with a bingo fist, their decisions made quickly and usually correctly by 45-mile-per-hour-in-the-fast-lane, jackhammer brains forged by steel produced during the finest world wars this planet ever knew. When years passed and this new government became mundane, the populace was pleasantly surprised to find the country prospered under the new constitution, which had such laws as The Keep All Mexicans in New Mexico or Newer Mexico Act and the surprisingly uncontroversial People Under 65 Must Wear Genital-Monitoring Devices To Prevent Pre-Marital Hanky Panky Law. (It met with some resistance at first, of course, but was overshadowed in the following four weeks as apprehended or suspected protestors were given televised executions in the time slot normally reserved for a popular sitcom about seven white retarded people who live in Original New City; widespread annoyance ran rampant as viewers found the month-long tard draught as an inconvenience that doubled as a nuisance, a scientific study later proved that the extra half-hour a week people spent not watching television could possibly have had an indirect correlation in the sudden increase in the fields of book rentals, face-to-face conversations, and sunlight consumed. (Like all science, though, this was later proven false and proper credit for the increase was finally given to the long-silent, silently suffering, sufferingly long-deceased Fredrick Dickhouser and his brilliant, lifelong devotion to driving around and opening garage doors that operated on the same frequency as his own). Critics in later years say it was a brilliant plan now that they know the executions were aired solely to make sure no one tuned in to the final day of executions when the government, required to publicly announce all foreign policies in the making, announced to an audience of seventeen comatose lumberjacks that all areas of the world not currently defined as a state in The United Stations of Amerall Medicated would be destroyed. One impromptu nuclear strike ten minutes later and the world was now owned by the senior citizens.
Many decades and probably a few centuries later, historians would credit Handerjob with predicting the preceding description of events. Everything, down to the word-for-word recitation of the senior citizens initial Welcome Aboard Your New Government speech, was reenacted from his third novella Old People Should Burn Their Dentures in Protest of My Million-Dollar Estate Built With Money My Governor Friend Embezzled From Medicare. It turns out that six of the eight lead seniors, one of whom was a the first and three-term Figurehead of Congress, four of whom wrote the new constitutional document during that now-famous brunch, all of whom kept diaries, admitted to using the book as a referential guide because Johnny Handsome, the math class heartthrob they all crushed on, had said the movie adaptation wasnt very good.
It might also be interesting to note that the nuclear fallout reacted strangely to a comic book super heros origin, causing the radiation to bestow superpowers to most everyone still living. Unfortunately for them, the comic book was The Perilous Acts of Punch Man, who had the powers to aim his arms in the right direction as he hurled his fists at things (along with the added bonus of being able to hold his breath underwater for exactly three minutes). So, while future society wont be quite the same as the current one, it also wont be all that different, much in part to the Restaurant Menus and Genetic Systems Must Remain Constant To Avoid Confusing Them With Any Possible Invaders From The Future or Death-Fearing Sissies in Stasis From The Past Act of Matlock Day 13. In fact, most people in the future believe the present (which, to them, is the past) is (or was) superior because of its greater quantity of entertainment forms and unparalleled quality of babe hotness.
Find me a broken mirror and Ill show you the only pure truth that man can manufacture, goes the famous opening quote to famous author Brett Handerjobs famous novel "Famous Fame-ites and The Burning Zombies of Israel." Unfortunately for Handerjob, his extreme political views, as drowned in metaphor as they are, keep the book from achieving mainstream success. Some say Handerjob is just ahead of his time, others say hes a frothing racist with a messiah complex. All agree that he was short and bald, but that did not keep him from attending the finest parties New York City had to offer a neutered underdog, as he was conditionally considered a Z-Rate Sigmund Freud due to a small pamphlet of sexually perverse personal confessions he published while attending NYU that gave him intimate access to the rich and powerful who feared for their sanity and their place in paradise and all the possible heavens above and below the trust funds the good lord had endowed them. Most of all, though, he was afraid of being damned to a run-on sentence in some drug fiends Radiohead fanzine, citing a desire to see the soon-to-be-late Thom Yorke remembered only in the cel phone versions of his songs.
Thom Yorke, it has been said, was the arch-nemesis of Brett Handerjobs nephew, Victor Van Fellateor. Being Handerjobs favorite relative gave Victor a strong ally and a economic heads-up in the post millennium all-American metropolis. Victor often belittled Yorke during Handerjobs internationally-broadcasted late night talk show Sex and the Sins we need for Sustenance. The show was a public forum that allowed Victor to constantly one-up his rival, whose only vocal milieu was an internet journal on a popular community/pornographic site (which, ironically, was struggling to stay in business after a peer-to-peer file-sharing network made paragraphs, the sites backbone, obsolete). Victor was never allowed to voice his opinions himself on the air, but since no one really cared about the feud there was never any desire to confirm the positive, negative, or neutral sexual proclivities which assumed Handerjobs reporting ability was good, bad, or average. The neutral opinion became very popular when Handerjob won a prestigious radio award three years later for Most Okay Pituitary Reporting While Under The Influence of Narcotics or Amphetamines for his enlightening input on a NBC reality show about grandmothers and their favorite brands of chocolate dildos, cranny ramming dueche daddies, and ass walnuts. As was predicted by the seer Nostradamus, the senior citizens of the Southern and Midwest territories stormed Washington and hung president George Fuh Kabush and vice-president Al Jerkintobewatching.
With the leaders of the country dead, the army was unable to muster a suitable retaliation. Unopposed, the senior citizens claimed complete dominance over the United Stations of Amerall Medicated. They ruled with a bingo fist, their decisions made quickly and usually correctly by 45-mile-per-hour-in-the-fast-lane, jackhammer brains forged by steel produced during the finest world wars this planet ever knew. When years passed and this new government became mundane, the populace was pleasantly surprised to find the country prospered under the new constitution, which had such laws as The Keep All Mexicans in New Mexico or Newer Mexico Act and the surprisingly uncontroversial People Under 65 Must Wear Genital-Monitoring Devices To Prevent Pre-Marital Hanky Panky Law. (It met with some resistance at first, of course, but was overshadowed in the following four weeks as apprehended or suspected protestors were given televised executions in the time slot normally reserved for a popular sitcom about seven white retarded people who live in Original New City; widespread annoyance ran rampant as viewers found the month-long tard draught as an inconvenience that doubled as a nuisance, a scientific study later proved that the extra half-hour a week people spent not watching television could possibly have had an indirect correlation in the sudden increase in the fields of book rentals, face-to-face conversations, and sunlight consumed. (Like all science, though, this was later proven false and proper credit for the increase was finally given to the long-silent, silently suffering, sufferingly long-deceased Fredrick Dickhouser and his brilliant, lifelong devotion to driving around and opening garage doors that operated on the same frequency as his own). Critics in later years say it was a brilliant plan now that they know the executions were aired solely to make sure no one tuned in to the final day of executions when the government, required to publicly announce all foreign policies in the making, announced to an audience of seventeen comatose lumberjacks that all areas of the world not currently defined as a state in The United Stations of Amerall Medicated would be destroyed. One impromptu nuclear strike ten minutes later and the world was now owned by the senior citizens.
Many decades and probably a few centuries later, historians would credit Handerjob with predicting the preceding description of events. Everything, down to the word-for-word recitation of the senior citizens initial Welcome Aboard Your New Government speech, was reenacted from his third novella Old People Should Burn Their Dentures in Protest of My Million-Dollar Estate Built With Money My Governor Friend Embezzled From Medicare. It turns out that six of the eight lead seniors, one of whom was a the first and three-term Figurehead of Congress, four of whom wrote the new constitutional document during that now-famous brunch, all of whom kept diaries, admitted to using the book as a referential guide because Johnny Handsome, the math class heartthrob they all crushed on, had said the movie adaptation wasnt very good.
It might also be interesting to note that the nuclear fallout reacted strangely to a comic book super heros origin, causing the radiation to bestow superpowers to most everyone still living. Unfortunately for them, the comic book was The Perilous Acts of Punch Man, who had the powers to aim his arms in the right direction as he hurled his fists at things (along with the added bonus of being able to hold his breath underwater for exactly three minutes). So, while future society wont be quite the same as the current one, it also wont be all that different, much in part to the Restaurant Menus and Genetic Systems Must Remain Constant To Avoid Confusing Them With Any Possible Invaders From The Future or Death-Fearing Sissies in Stasis From The Past Act of Matlock Day 13. In fact, most people in the future believe the present (which, to them, is the past) is (or was) superior because of its greater quantity of entertainment forms and unparalleled quality of babe hotness.