Today appears to be the end of "Strange and Crappy Short Story Bonanza." It's time for the big move, so I probably won't get online for the next few days. To make up, I've prepared a not-so-short story for today's entry. (Be warned, though: I'm not good at juggling a large cast and probably mixed a few of the characters up. If you get confused, just relax, think of something you like, and remember that it'll all be over in a few hours.)
One day, the children of Spunning Street gathered and had a race. There were eight children in all. Listed in order of oldest to youngest: There were the Violent twins, Live and Letlive, who had organized the event. There was Bobert Freng and his little brother Crass. There was Snowball Trevor Trevors. There was Polly McPirate and her cousin Hilda Reflecks, who lived with Polly after the death of her own parents. And, finally, there was pretty, quiet, little Annie Olympic, the youngest of them all.
The Violent twins both stood upon a crumbling wooden box to address the children. The box was too small for them both, so they softly pushed each other and waved their arms frantically for balance as they talked. They alternated during the speech, switching after each completed sentence.
The rules, they declared, are as follows: the first one of us to have a mid-life crisis wins. A mid-life crisis is defined in our dictionary as a mental breakdown where the middle of the persons life makes him go insane. At this mid-point you must buy a large sports car, have hanky panky with your secretary, drink lots of that grownup soda every night, wear a hairpiece to a funeral, always talk to your wife in an outside voice, and make sure your children know that bedtime stories should only be read to retards that wet the bed. Whoever wins becomes the new master of the entire neighborhood. You get anyones toys and we all have to buy you ice cream once a week. Any questions?
How do we know what the middle is? asked Snowball.
After you die, well divide your age by half, Letlive explained.
But were dead," stated Snowball. How will we get the ice cream?
When God lets you into Heaven, just tell Him you want to live here instead, Live said. Im going to.
Me, too, chimed Polly.
Because you looOOOooove him, Bobert taunted. Live and Polly sittin inna tree
Polly punched him in the nose to silence him. Youre a rude jerk, she spat.
Heeey, Hilda suddenly realized. Addressing the twins, Isnt all that what your dad does? You didnt read the dictionary!
Sure, we did, Letlive indignantly sniffed. We read the dictionary all the time. I bet you didnt know that ironic means to do something in a way you didnt want to. But we do, cause we are smarter than every girl ever.
Even Einsteins mom? Annie inquired.
Sure am, Live boasted. My dad met Einstein once and brought him over for dinner. He said himself that we were both smarter his own mother. And then we told him our theory about relatives and he stole it, were so smart.
What theory of relatives? asked Hilda.
Our theory is that relatives dont understand time and space, Letlive explained. Thats why my aunt and grandma always visit for weeks. They dont know how to tell time so they always stay longer than we want them to. And since they dont know WHEN to leave, they dont have the time to go anywhere. So they dont know thats theres a lot of land and outer space around them.
Everyone knows about outer space, Bobert moaned through his almost broken nose. Even my stupid older brother makes jokes about Venus and hes never watched an episode of Science Journeys In Space his whole life. The Violent twins, who had gone through puberty and knew all the current, hip locker room slang, laughed at Bobert. Letlive called him stupid and Live called him gay. Shut up, Bobert almost cried. Just cause Im younger doesnt make me gay.
Sure it does, Letlive said. Science has proved that youre gay until you turn twelve. I read that in the dictionary.
In the dictionary? Hilda challenged. They dont teach science in the dictionary.
They do, too, Live said. Its under S, Miss Im So Smart.
And so is stupid, Letlive continued. The definition is just a picture of you. He and Letlive laughed so Hilda shoved them. Letlive fell off the box and landed on the sidewalk, which bruised his wrist. Live, however, managed to catch his footing, saving his wrists any more undo strain.
After helping his brother up, Live said, Okay, okay, thats enough. Is everyone in? Everyone, even a reluctant Hilda, agreed to the race. Good. Now were going home to start a secret club that none of you can be in. See you dorks later, alligators!
Even me? Polly whimpered.
Well, okay, you can join, Live said. Letlive then pushed him a bit, wincing at his wrist afterwards. But Hilda cant.
Pleeeaaassse? Polly whimpered and batted her eyelashes.
No, Letlive asserted.
Come on, man, Live said to his brother. She can be the scullery maid or something. And well ban her from talking or make her take an oath of silence.
Fine, Letlive surrendered. But we REALLY have to cut out her tongue, just to be safe.
No way, Hilda protested. How will I eat my ice cream when I win the race if I dont have a tongue?
Well, Letlive thought. Okay, fine, you can keep your tongue. Secretly, Letlive had a small crush on Hilda. No one knew, not ever Live. So everyone was surprised when Letlive said, And you can talk. Noting their surprise he quickly tried to cover with, But you have to call us sir and you have to wear your bathing suit all the time. Hilda agreed as long as no one called her wench, servant girl, or Polliana (which was her Christian name).
The secret club members all left together without saying goodbye to the others. They went to Hilda and Pollys house first, so Hilda could change. Bobert mumbled about the twins being gay, even though he wasnt sure what gay meant. He made a mental note to start reading the dictionary as he slowly headed home. Snowball told Annie he had to go do homework, but promised to play Ninja House Tea Party with her later. As he left, Annie sat on the edge of the sidewalk and wondered if she should begin her mid-life crisis now.
After all, she thought. I dont know when Im going to die. I hope its not soon, though. Then my mid-life would have been a few years ago. Then she panicked a little as she realized, Oh Oh, dear. Oh, my. Where am I going to find a secretary?
And so the race was on. Years went by and no one died. Well, none of the kids, anyway. Snowballs dad passed away five years later and the inheritance made Snowball the first to buy a sports car. The twins got jealous, got jobs, and got a used, German minivan they shared. Snowball used the rest of the inheritance to buy a house when he came of age. His dad had saved a considerable amount thanks to a college buddy whom he often drank with. Turns out the college buddy had insider knowledge about stocks and bonds and all that other Wall Street stuff, which Snowballs dad managed to pry from him in the mens room of their favorite bar. Best not to elaborate. But Snowball would live the rest of his life on easy street. He quickly became overweight, which embarrassed him. So he rarely left the house. Slowly, all his friends abandoned him. For the last thirty years of his life, he would interact with only his mother and Bobert over e-mail. When he drowned himself in the bathtub, it took a few months for anyone to discover him. He often stopped talking to his mom and Bobert; once he went eight months without even going online. But it was his local pizza parlor that got concerned when he stopped ordering pizzas. They sent a delivery boy to deliver some coupons to him. The delivery boy found the door broken off and the place had been looted. Strange thing was that this particular delivery boy was very enthusiastic about old gangster movies. Seeing the disarray and destruction, he immediately figured Snowball had owed money to the mob but was unable to pay, so they kidnapped him, yeah, thats probably it, and hes in the back of someones trunk and probably being fit for cement shoes and the FBI should be informed so they can have a rescue, but even better a tommy gun fight like in the old days! Oh, yeah, bullets flying everywhere and guys in nice suits falling off of balconies and those cool fedoras everyone wears. When the police arrived to investigate, they were assailed by the stench of months of decay and filth having been moistened. Then they all made fun of the delivery boy for not having found the body, even with the smell which didnt literally strip the wallpaper and I cant rightly explain why. It shoulda. Shoulda turned this whole block into a sewage yard.
Live and Polly dated for a while and everyone assumed they would get married eventually. But then Pollys heart was unintentionally stolen by Letlive and his new tattoo. At first, Live was mad and dated Hilda in response. His feelings were healed when Hilda hit a growth spurt two months later and walked away with a new set of boobs. Polly would be a late bloomer and even then didnt blossom much, but by then Letlive had moved on to a redhead across town. Polly swore off men and went celibate for twelve years. Then, at thirty-two, she met a twenty-one year-old college student, whom she loved but never wed. He would become a famous software baron and shower her in riches for the next forty-three years. Oddly, they never fell out of love. So when Polly died of cancer, the autopsy concluded that her heart intact and seemingly of a strange, glowing nature.
Letlives redhead would turn him on to speed. On his twenty-fourth birthday, she bought him two forty bags and they snorted it all in a week. Letlive died of heart failure and the redhead is in prison for all sorts of charges.
Live and Hilda got married soon after, he was twenty-two and she was eighteen. They had five children and raised them all on welfare paychecks. Live ran out on Hilda after the birth of the fifth child and hitchhiked his way to Mexico. A local gang hired him to run drugs across the border, which he enjoyed and excelled at. They eventually trusted him enough to run people for them, which was even easier. But this ended when he was told to take an eleven-year-old girl to a notoriously seedy part of a disgustingly soulless city. Instead, he took her to Louisiana, where they lived together until they were both taken away by child services and the police. It isnt hard to figure out whom went with which organization and why. Least not to the local folk, who gossiped about the scandal for years. Live eventually returned to Hilda after an intensely scary prison term. He found her remarried to a welder and pregnant with a seventh baby, all counted. Live wanted Hilda back and Hilda was reluctant to go, though she secretly wanted to. So Live beat up the welder, which helped her decide in favor of leaving. They left the sixth kid with the welder and Hilda got an abortion since Live didnt want to raise kids that werent his. They moved to Texas, where she worked in a bar and he robbed houses. Live taught his children everything he knew about how to pick locks, mug people, and other such fatherly activities. Most of them would enter in his field, but there was one who became a policeman in defiance. The last time they spoke to each other was when Live disowned the dissenter. When the dissenter arrested two of his siblings, Live flew into a rage, drove down to the sheriffs station, and shot out as many windows as he could before being gunned down (but not by his son; the son was sleeping at home and didnt find out until the morning). Hilda attempted suicide when she found out, but only succeeded in tearing the ligaments in her knee. Her lameness cost her her job and she had to rely on the financial support of her children for the rest of her life. She died at sixty-eight when four gang members botched a convenience store robbery. They had needed a hostage and she fought against going with them. And who wouldve known El Papito had been molested by his grandma and was bitter about it?
Crass grew up in his bigger brothers shadow. Bobert excelled in learning and breezed through his classes, so Crass was expected to mirror Boberts scholastic achievements. He carried a lot of pressure from his parents and teachers to be more than average, to project accomplishment with his appearance and to be almost godlike in reputation. Halfway through his first day of high school, a history teacher made a passing remark about Crass being the key to the future. He had what some would describe as a nervous breakdown. He screamed briefly but loud enough to alarm the adjoining classrooms. Then he just stared at his desk, an eerie, unblinking glaze in his eyes. He wet himself, too, but thats only important if you want to make fun of the kids who share his seat over the course of the day. For three years afterwards, Crass barely moved and didnt talk. He just stared at anyone who was near him. After two months of cleaning and feeding him, Crass parents put him in the cheapest mental institution they could find. As stated earlier he didnt talk for three years. His next words came when another inmate was drawing pictures of happy families and showing them to Crass, which was a daily routine for the two. Out of nowhere, Crass walked over to the guard and said politely, Can I have some food? Something chocolate? After being given a dish of ice cream, he just sat down to eat it as if it were the most common thing in the world. After spending three more years proving he was sane, Crass was released. Since he was now a legal adult, his parents werent contacted and told about his release. They actually didnt find out until they went to visit him three months later. Meantime, he had gotten a job as a janitor and lived by himself in a small apartment. His only possessions were a mattress, a library card, and whatever food he kept in his pantry. His parents were convinced that he wasnt sane, so they stayed away and swept all memory of him into the closet. For a time, Bobert made weekly visits, always armed with a bag full of Chinese food and a few hours worth of homework he made Crass do. Then, with no warning, Bobert stopped coming over. Crass waited patiently for him, but knew that Bobert was not coming back. Crass figured Bobert simply got tired of babysitting. For the remainder of his life, Crass lived alone and quietly in that apartment. He worked alone and quietly at the office building he cleaned every night. He died alone and quietly on his mattress. He was found when the landlord kicked down the door to collect his rent. But the landlord, who was in league with some shady fellows who had to avoid even the tiniest bit of police snooping, got a few of said shady fellows to secretly bury Crass out in the desert. They did such a good job of hiding Crass body that even they couldnt find their way back. It might be nice to know that, while wandering home, they stopped at a diner for breakfast and were killed when a faulty gas pipe under the floor exploded.
Through middle and high school, Bobert attempted to date little Annie. He constantly vied for her affection, sending her gifts and writing bad poetry about her. (He never sent the poems to her. But he shouldve, as she had very bad taste and wouldve enjoyed them.) She, however, was a dreamer while growing up. She dreamt about lots of things: becoming famous, traveling the world, discovering supernatural worlds full of elves and dragon crap, that sort of stuff. Her head was too high up in the clouds to notice Bobert. Why, he was practically underground compared to her. Bobert went to college a year before Annie graduated high school. During his year abroad, Bobert discovered the wonders of alcohol and, even better, alcohol combined with young women. Previously subdued and introverted, Bobert flung himself into this new world of adventure and fun called college. He soon forgot all about Annie and her flowing blonde hair. And her eyes, pure oceans of uh, opticality. And her lips, so red and luscious that the angels hmmm what do angels do that rhymes with beauty? Not duty. Sooty? No, no. Mutiny? Bah. Anyway, her lips were great and her eyes were great and her hair was great and she was just so beautiful that he remembered why he loved her again. So he kept drinking and sleeping around to drown her out. Of course there were consequences. He contracted AIDS and died of a flu shortly after getting his Masters in biology.
During the year Bobert was away, Annie realized she missed being chased by him. They had danced around their sexualities ever since she began taking an interest in kissing and holding hands. While he was away, she began flirting with the other boys. It wasnt long before she amassed a veritable army of suitors, all of whom obeyed her every whim and satisfied her every desire. It was a very pleasing year for her and she didnt want it to end. So she moved to a big city with a melodic name (thanks to the helpful wallets of three of her richest thirteen boyfriends). She found the city boys were even easier to play than she expected. In less than seven months she lived in an apartment on the fancy side of town with enough jewelry and cash lying around to buy three more. She spent the better part of her life as what she would later describe to be a con artist painting too many works at once. The boys soon became men and the men would discover or realize they were being made fools of. But for every one that would leave her (after a sound telling off), she easily replaced with two or three others (with golden tongues [which, yes, had two meanings]). When she woke up on her thirty-eighth birthday and gave all her furs, her jewels, her riches to charity, the gossip sent her social circles into a furious marathon of rumors and attacks. The most persistent of the rumors was that one jilted lover had spilled her beans to the IRS and that she rid herself of her possessions to avoid being investigated. She would have to deny this for many years; the last denial an impressive forty-nine years after the fact. In truth, she had become unhappy with herself. She was tired of flirting, lying, stealing, and hurting others. Her childhood dreams had been filled with castles in the sky and romantic knights and extraordinary adventures. But she found herself surrounded by smiling liars and bankers that close orphanages and a sky so black sometimes that it appeared to be nighttime. Most depressing of all, though, was that she was planted. She wasnt moving backward but she certainly was not going forward. So, at the age of thirty-eight, so rid herself of her material possessions, abandoned her apartment, and forced her favorite boy toy to accompany her on many travels. Together, they went around, over, and through the world, leaving an aftermath of empty champagne bottles and soiled reputations as proof of their glorious existences. An Elvis impersonator at a drive-thru chapel in Vegas married Annie and her traveling companion. They did so because they loved each other, true, but neither believed in the ceremony. They felt it was more a courtesy to the writing hands of file clerks round the world and Annies long-departed parents, who never stopped annoying her about settling down (but she would never bear them grandchildren; she liked her figure too much). They lived happily as vagabonds, wanderers, or gypsies, whichever term suits you most.
Annie was the last to be born, so it was a little fitting that she was the last to pass on. She went in her sleep to a stroke on a sailboat to Italy.
When she awoke in the morning after her death, she was in her old bedroom in the house on Spunning Street. There was an alarming lack of surprise when she saw herself in the mirror. She was young again. She couldnt determine the exact age but it was very young, apparently, given that her chest was flat and the rest of her didnt require a cup of coffee.
No, she felt like she would explode from the surplus of energy she felt. She dressed in about a minute and made it outside in half that time. She knew all the other kids would be there, sitting on the sidewalk and waiting for her. Tears were shed and hugs were exchanged between them all.
I got here first, Bobert told Annie. Everyone else arrived in the last few minutes. Youd think we wouldve had to wait longer, huh?
This is Heaven, Annie smiled. This is it, the final reward. Waiting would only imply that something is going to happen next. Eternity doesnt have credits at the end, silly.
Yeah, well, that means theres also no sunset to ride into, Crass frowned. No shootout at the Purgatory Corral, no final embrace in the rain, and definitely no karate battle with the big boss.
And no sequel to ruin the original, Bobert joked.
After the initial excitement died down a bit, they updated each other on the events of their lives. As would be expected of old friends they all embellished quite a bit in their tales, sometimes changing events into completely new episodes and sometimes missing the truth by a shallow breath. Oddly, it was Live who told the most truths. He tried reconciling with Hilda, apologizing for the path he led her down, but she was too busy snuggling with Letlive to listen.
It took eleven hours for everyone to tell his or her story. They were aware of the passing time, but found that the sun never moved from slightly-left-to-center. No tummies rumbled and no mouth could remember how to yawn even if they wanted to. This pleased them because now they could vote on the winner of their race. (Since no one had accomplished all the goals, they were voting on who had accomplished the most.) The tales were fresh in their minds and their decisions were guided by the pure instinct they had lost over the years, now freshly fueled by their years of experience. The vote was taken on credit card bills that Bobert had found lying around his kitchen.
The tally gave Snowball one vote because he had voted for himself; Bobert got one, which came from Annie; Letlive got three: his, Hildas, and Lives; and little Annie Olympic got three from Bobert, Polly, and Crass.
So they had a dilemma: they couldnt have two masters of the neighborhood. Which master would outrank the other in case of dispute? They decided to have another vote between Annie and Letlive, but Annie decided to withdraw from the race. She didnt want to lord over her friends, even in make believe. So Letlive was undisputed master of the neighborhood. This lasted all of ten seconds before he followed Annies lead and relinquished the title. Polly suggested that Snowball and Bobert have a runoff, but they both refused to run.
Crass jumped to the highest piece of lawn he could find and, standing on his toes, officially decreed the race had ended in an eight-way tie. They all agreed to this and heartily congratulated each other. Leaving the neighborhood without a ruler just felt right to them.
Now all they needed to do was find their parents.
Or anyone else, actually.
Anybody at all.
They searched for a while but found the surrounding streets as empty as the houses.
Theyll probably find another person after a while. They have to. After all, theyre in the afterlife, not a Sartre play.
One day, the children of Spunning Street gathered and had a race. There were eight children in all. Listed in order of oldest to youngest: There were the Violent twins, Live and Letlive, who had organized the event. There was Bobert Freng and his little brother Crass. There was Snowball Trevor Trevors. There was Polly McPirate and her cousin Hilda Reflecks, who lived with Polly after the death of her own parents. And, finally, there was pretty, quiet, little Annie Olympic, the youngest of them all.
The Violent twins both stood upon a crumbling wooden box to address the children. The box was too small for them both, so they softly pushed each other and waved their arms frantically for balance as they talked. They alternated during the speech, switching after each completed sentence.
The rules, they declared, are as follows: the first one of us to have a mid-life crisis wins. A mid-life crisis is defined in our dictionary as a mental breakdown where the middle of the persons life makes him go insane. At this mid-point you must buy a large sports car, have hanky panky with your secretary, drink lots of that grownup soda every night, wear a hairpiece to a funeral, always talk to your wife in an outside voice, and make sure your children know that bedtime stories should only be read to retards that wet the bed. Whoever wins becomes the new master of the entire neighborhood. You get anyones toys and we all have to buy you ice cream once a week. Any questions?
How do we know what the middle is? asked Snowball.
After you die, well divide your age by half, Letlive explained.
But were dead," stated Snowball. How will we get the ice cream?
When God lets you into Heaven, just tell Him you want to live here instead, Live said. Im going to.
Me, too, chimed Polly.
Because you looOOOooove him, Bobert taunted. Live and Polly sittin inna tree
Polly punched him in the nose to silence him. Youre a rude jerk, she spat.
Heeey, Hilda suddenly realized. Addressing the twins, Isnt all that what your dad does? You didnt read the dictionary!
Sure, we did, Letlive indignantly sniffed. We read the dictionary all the time. I bet you didnt know that ironic means to do something in a way you didnt want to. But we do, cause we are smarter than every girl ever.
Even Einsteins mom? Annie inquired.
Sure am, Live boasted. My dad met Einstein once and brought him over for dinner. He said himself that we were both smarter his own mother. And then we told him our theory about relatives and he stole it, were so smart.
What theory of relatives? asked Hilda.
Our theory is that relatives dont understand time and space, Letlive explained. Thats why my aunt and grandma always visit for weeks. They dont know how to tell time so they always stay longer than we want them to. And since they dont know WHEN to leave, they dont have the time to go anywhere. So they dont know thats theres a lot of land and outer space around them.
Everyone knows about outer space, Bobert moaned through his almost broken nose. Even my stupid older brother makes jokes about Venus and hes never watched an episode of Science Journeys In Space his whole life. The Violent twins, who had gone through puberty and knew all the current, hip locker room slang, laughed at Bobert. Letlive called him stupid and Live called him gay. Shut up, Bobert almost cried. Just cause Im younger doesnt make me gay.
Sure it does, Letlive said. Science has proved that youre gay until you turn twelve. I read that in the dictionary.
In the dictionary? Hilda challenged. They dont teach science in the dictionary.
They do, too, Live said. Its under S, Miss Im So Smart.
And so is stupid, Letlive continued. The definition is just a picture of you. He and Letlive laughed so Hilda shoved them. Letlive fell off the box and landed on the sidewalk, which bruised his wrist. Live, however, managed to catch his footing, saving his wrists any more undo strain.
After helping his brother up, Live said, Okay, okay, thats enough. Is everyone in? Everyone, even a reluctant Hilda, agreed to the race. Good. Now were going home to start a secret club that none of you can be in. See you dorks later, alligators!
Even me? Polly whimpered.
Well, okay, you can join, Live said. Letlive then pushed him a bit, wincing at his wrist afterwards. But Hilda cant.
Pleeeaaassse? Polly whimpered and batted her eyelashes.
No, Letlive asserted.
Come on, man, Live said to his brother. She can be the scullery maid or something. And well ban her from talking or make her take an oath of silence.
Fine, Letlive surrendered. But we REALLY have to cut out her tongue, just to be safe.
No way, Hilda protested. How will I eat my ice cream when I win the race if I dont have a tongue?
Well, Letlive thought. Okay, fine, you can keep your tongue. Secretly, Letlive had a small crush on Hilda. No one knew, not ever Live. So everyone was surprised when Letlive said, And you can talk. Noting their surprise he quickly tried to cover with, But you have to call us sir and you have to wear your bathing suit all the time. Hilda agreed as long as no one called her wench, servant girl, or Polliana (which was her Christian name).
The secret club members all left together without saying goodbye to the others. They went to Hilda and Pollys house first, so Hilda could change. Bobert mumbled about the twins being gay, even though he wasnt sure what gay meant. He made a mental note to start reading the dictionary as he slowly headed home. Snowball told Annie he had to go do homework, but promised to play Ninja House Tea Party with her later. As he left, Annie sat on the edge of the sidewalk and wondered if she should begin her mid-life crisis now.
After all, she thought. I dont know when Im going to die. I hope its not soon, though. Then my mid-life would have been a few years ago. Then she panicked a little as she realized, Oh Oh, dear. Oh, my. Where am I going to find a secretary?
And so the race was on. Years went by and no one died. Well, none of the kids, anyway. Snowballs dad passed away five years later and the inheritance made Snowball the first to buy a sports car. The twins got jealous, got jobs, and got a used, German minivan they shared. Snowball used the rest of the inheritance to buy a house when he came of age. His dad had saved a considerable amount thanks to a college buddy whom he often drank with. Turns out the college buddy had insider knowledge about stocks and bonds and all that other Wall Street stuff, which Snowballs dad managed to pry from him in the mens room of their favorite bar. Best not to elaborate. But Snowball would live the rest of his life on easy street. He quickly became overweight, which embarrassed him. So he rarely left the house. Slowly, all his friends abandoned him. For the last thirty years of his life, he would interact with only his mother and Bobert over e-mail. When he drowned himself in the bathtub, it took a few months for anyone to discover him. He often stopped talking to his mom and Bobert; once he went eight months without even going online. But it was his local pizza parlor that got concerned when he stopped ordering pizzas. They sent a delivery boy to deliver some coupons to him. The delivery boy found the door broken off and the place had been looted. Strange thing was that this particular delivery boy was very enthusiastic about old gangster movies. Seeing the disarray and destruction, he immediately figured Snowball had owed money to the mob but was unable to pay, so they kidnapped him, yeah, thats probably it, and hes in the back of someones trunk and probably being fit for cement shoes and the FBI should be informed so they can have a rescue, but even better a tommy gun fight like in the old days! Oh, yeah, bullets flying everywhere and guys in nice suits falling off of balconies and those cool fedoras everyone wears. When the police arrived to investigate, they were assailed by the stench of months of decay and filth having been moistened. Then they all made fun of the delivery boy for not having found the body, even with the smell which didnt literally strip the wallpaper and I cant rightly explain why. It shoulda. Shoulda turned this whole block into a sewage yard.
Live and Polly dated for a while and everyone assumed they would get married eventually. But then Pollys heart was unintentionally stolen by Letlive and his new tattoo. At first, Live was mad and dated Hilda in response. His feelings were healed when Hilda hit a growth spurt two months later and walked away with a new set of boobs. Polly would be a late bloomer and even then didnt blossom much, but by then Letlive had moved on to a redhead across town. Polly swore off men and went celibate for twelve years. Then, at thirty-two, she met a twenty-one year-old college student, whom she loved but never wed. He would become a famous software baron and shower her in riches for the next forty-three years. Oddly, they never fell out of love. So when Polly died of cancer, the autopsy concluded that her heart intact and seemingly of a strange, glowing nature.
Letlives redhead would turn him on to speed. On his twenty-fourth birthday, she bought him two forty bags and they snorted it all in a week. Letlive died of heart failure and the redhead is in prison for all sorts of charges.
Live and Hilda got married soon after, he was twenty-two and she was eighteen. They had five children and raised them all on welfare paychecks. Live ran out on Hilda after the birth of the fifth child and hitchhiked his way to Mexico. A local gang hired him to run drugs across the border, which he enjoyed and excelled at. They eventually trusted him enough to run people for them, which was even easier. But this ended when he was told to take an eleven-year-old girl to a notoriously seedy part of a disgustingly soulless city. Instead, he took her to Louisiana, where they lived together until they were both taken away by child services and the police. It isnt hard to figure out whom went with which organization and why. Least not to the local folk, who gossiped about the scandal for years. Live eventually returned to Hilda after an intensely scary prison term. He found her remarried to a welder and pregnant with a seventh baby, all counted. Live wanted Hilda back and Hilda was reluctant to go, though she secretly wanted to. So Live beat up the welder, which helped her decide in favor of leaving. They left the sixth kid with the welder and Hilda got an abortion since Live didnt want to raise kids that werent his. They moved to Texas, where she worked in a bar and he robbed houses. Live taught his children everything he knew about how to pick locks, mug people, and other such fatherly activities. Most of them would enter in his field, but there was one who became a policeman in defiance. The last time they spoke to each other was when Live disowned the dissenter. When the dissenter arrested two of his siblings, Live flew into a rage, drove down to the sheriffs station, and shot out as many windows as he could before being gunned down (but not by his son; the son was sleeping at home and didnt find out until the morning). Hilda attempted suicide when she found out, but only succeeded in tearing the ligaments in her knee. Her lameness cost her her job and she had to rely on the financial support of her children for the rest of her life. She died at sixty-eight when four gang members botched a convenience store robbery. They had needed a hostage and she fought against going with them. And who wouldve known El Papito had been molested by his grandma and was bitter about it?
Crass grew up in his bigger brothers shadow. Bobert excelled in learning and breezed through his classes, so Crass was expected to mirror Boberts scholastic achievements. He carried a lot of pressure from his parents and teachers to be more than average, to project accomplishment with his appearance and to be almost godlike in reputation. Halfway through his first day of high school, a history teacher made a passing remark about Crass being the key to the future. He had what some would describe as a nervous breakdown. He screamed briefly but loud enough to alarm the adjoining classrooms. Then he just stared at his desk, an eerie, unblinking glaze in his eyes. He wet himself, too, but thats only important if you want to make fun of the kids who share his seat over the course of the day. For three years afterwards, Crass barely moved and didnt talk. He just stared at anyone who was near him. After two months of cleaning and feeding him, Crass parents put him in the cheapest mental institution they could find. As stated earlier he didnt talk for three years. His next words came when another inmate was drawing pictures of happy families and showing them to Crass, which was a daily routine for the two. Out of nowhere, Crass walked over to the guard and said politely, Can I have some food? Something chocolate? After being given a dish of ice cream, he just sat down to eat it as if it were the most common thing in the world. After spending three more years proving he was sane, Crass was released. Since he was now a legal adult, his parents werent contacted and told about his release. They actually didnt find out until they went to visit him three months later. Meantime, he had gotten a job as a janitor and lived by himself in a small apartment. His only possessions were a mattress, a library card, and whatever food he kept in his pantry. His parents were convinced that he wasnt sane, so they stayed away and swept all memory of him into the closet. For a time, Bobert made weekly visits, always armed with a bag full of Chinese food and a few hours worth of homework he made Crass do. Then, with no warning, Bobert stopped coming over. Crass waited patiently for him, but knew that Bobert was not coming back. Crass figured Bobert simply got tired of babysitting. For the remainder of his life, Crass lived alone and quietly in that apartment. He worked alone and quietly at the office building he cleaned every night. He died alone and quietly on his mattress. He was found when the landlord kicked down the door to collect his rent. But the landlord, who was in league with some shady fellows who had to avoid even the tiniest bit of police snooping, got a few of said shady fellows to secretly bury Crass out in the desert. They did such a good job of hiding Crass body that even they couldnt find their way back. It might be nice to know that, while wandering home, they stopped at a diner for breakfast and were killed when a faulty gas pipe under the floor exploded.
Through middle and high school, Bobert attempted to date little Annie. He constantly vied for her affection, sending her gifts and writing bad poetry about her. (He never sent the poems to her. But he shouldve, as she had very bad taste and wouldve enjoyed them.) She, however, was a dreamer while growing up. She dreamt about lots of things: becoming famous, traveling the world, discovering supernatural worlds full of elves and dragon crap, that sort of stuff. Her head was too high up in the clouds to notice Bobert. Why, he was practically underground compared to her. Bobert went to college a year before Annie graduated high school. During his year abroad, Bobert discovered the wonders of alcohol and, even better, alcohol combined with young women. Previously subdued and introverted, Bobert flung himself into this new world of adventure and fun called college. He soon forgot all about Annie and her flowing blonde hair. And her eyes, pure oceans of uh, opticality. And her lips, so red and luscious that the angels hmmm what do angels do that rhymes with beauty? Not duty. Sooty? No, no. Mutiny? Bah. Anyway, her lips were great and her eyes were great and her hair was great and she was just so beautiful that he remembered why he loved her again. So he kept drinking and sleeping around to drown her out. Of course there were consequences. He contracted AIDS and died of a flu shortly after getting his Masters in biology.
During the year Bobert was away, Annie realized she missed being chased by him. They had danced around their sexualities ever since she began taking an interest in kissing and holding hands. While he was away, she began flirting with the other boys. It wasnt long before she amassed a veritable army of suitors, all of whom obeyed her every whim and satisfied her every desire. It was a very pleasing year for her and she didnt want it to end. So she moved to a big city with a melodic name (thanks to the helpful wallets of three of her richest thirteen boyfriends). She found the city boys were even easier to play than she expected. In less than seven months she lived in an apartment on the fancy side of town with enough jewelry and cash lying around to buy three more. She spent the better part of her life as what she would later describe to be a con artist painting too many works at once. The boys soon became men and the men would discover or realize they were being made fools of. But for every one that would leave her (after a sound telling off), she easily replaced with two or three others (with golden tongues [which, yes, had two meanings]). When she woke up on her thirty-eighth birthday and gave all her furs, her jewels, her riches to charity, the gossip sent her social circles into a furious marathon of rumors and attacks. The most persistent of the rumors was that one jilted lover had spilled her beans to the IRS and that she rid herself of her possessions to avoid being investigated. She would have to deny this for many years; the last denial an impressive forty-nine years after the fact. In truth, she had become unhappy with herself. She was tired of flirting, lying, stealing, and hurting others. Her childhood dreams had been filled with castles in the sky and romantic knights and extraordinary adventures. But she found herself surrounded by smiling liars and bankers that close orphanages and a sky so black sometimes that it appeared to be nighttime. Most depressing of all, though, was that she was planted. She wasnt moving backward but she certainly was not going forward. So, at the age of thirty-eight, so rid herself of her material possessions, abandoned her apartment, and forced her favorite boy toy to accompany her on many travels. Together, they went around, over, and through the world, leaving an aftermath of empty champagne bottles and soiled reputations as proof of their glorious existences. An Elvis impersonator at a drive-thru chapel in Vegas married Annie and her traveling companion. They did so because they loved each other, true, but neither believed in the ceremony. They felt it was more a courtesy to the writing hands of file clerks round the world and Annies long-departed parents, who never stopped annoying her about settling down (but she would never bear them grandchildren; she liked her figure too much). They lived happily as vagabonds, wanderers, or gypsies, whichever term suits you most.
Annie was the last to be born, so it was a little fitting that she was the last to pass on. She went in her sleep to a stroke on a sailboat to Italy.
When she awoke in the morning after her death, she was in her old bedroom in the house on Spunning Street. There was an alarming lack of surprise when she saw herself in the mirror. She was young again. She couldnt determine the exact age but it was very young, apparently, given that her chest was flat and the rest of her didnt require a cup of coffee.
No, she felt like she would explode from the surplus of energy she felt. She dressed in about a minute and made it outside in half that time. She knew all the other kids would be there, sitting on the sidewalk and waiting for her. Tears were shed and hugs were exchanged between them all.
I got here first, Bobert told Annie. Everyone else arrived in the last few minutes. Youd think we wouldve had to wait longer, huh?
This is Heaven, Annie smiled. This is it, the final reward. Waiting would only imply that something is going to happen next. Eternity doesnt have credits at the end, silly.
Yeah, well, that means theres also no sunset to ride into, Crass frowned. No shootout at the Purgatory Corral, no final embrace in the rain, and definitely no karate battle with the big boss.
And no sequel to ruin the original, Bobert joked.
After the initial excitement died down a bit, they updated each other on the events of their lives. As would be expected of old friends they all embellished quite a bit in their tales, sometimes changing events into completely new episodes and sometimes missing the truth by a shallow breath. Oddly, it was Live who told the most truths. He tried reconciling with Hilda, apologizing for the path he led her down, but she was too busy snuggling with Letlive to listen.
It took eleven hours for everyone to tell his or her story. They were aware of the passing time, but found that the sun never moved from slightly-left-to-center. No tummies rumbled and no mouth could remember how to yawn even if they wanted to. This pleased them because now they could vote on the winner of their race. (Since no one had accomplished all the goals, they were voting on who had accomplished the most.) The tales were fresh in their minds and their decisions were guided by the pure instinct they had lost over the years, now freshly fueled by their years of experience. The vote was taken on credit card bills that Bobert had found lying around his kitchen.
The tally gave Snowball one vote because he had voted for himself; Bobert got one, which came from Annie; Letlive got three: his, Hildas, and Lives; and little Annie Olympic got three from Bobert, Polly, and Crass.
So they had a dilemma: they couldnt have two masters of the neighborhood. Which master would outrank the other in case of dispute? They decided to have another vote between Annie and Letlive, but Annie decided to withdraw from the race. She didnt want to lord over her friends, even in make believe. So Letlive was undisputed master of the neighborhood. This lasted all of ten seconds before he followed Annies lead and relinquished the title. Polly suggested that Snowball and Bobert have a runoff, but they both refused to run.
Crass jumped to the highest piece of lawn he could find and, standing on his toes, officially decreed the race had ended in an eight-way tie. They all agreed to this and heartily congratulated each other. Leaving the neighborhood without a ruler just felt right to them.
Now all they needed to do was find their parents.
Or anyone else, actually.
Anybody at all.
They searched for a while but found the surrounding streets as empty as the houses.
Theyll probably find another person after a while. They have to. After all, theyre in the afterlife, not a Sartre play.
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I'll have to read it when I'm less exhausted .
And yes... I did read the whole thing.