Strange and Crappy Short Story Bonanza brings you story nine, which is either a second-person narrative or a glimpse into the future. I still haven't decided.
You have two eyes, a nose, and a mouth, most likely. Right now, youre staring at some letters. Alphabet letters, not mail letters. There IS a difference.
When you stop reading this, youre going to walk over to the nearest grocery store and buy eight pounds of various vegetables. See, the employee reloading the carrot bins is going to be very attractive to you. So youre going to hover around the carrot bins, grabbing the vegetables that surround them. The employee will acknowledge your presence with a nod, smile a bit, and ask if you need assistance. Youll want to say something clever about a rare vegetable called a porking me (which will be funny, as it doesnt sound as obvious as it reads), but instead politely decline the offer.
Then youll wander around the supermarket for a while, debating on whether you should put the vegetables back or just grin, bear it, and purchase them. If you put them back, the employee will realize what game youre playing. This appeals to you at first because that would mean youd get to make out or possibly talk on the phone with your new crush. You dont want to be in an embarrassing situation, though, and decide the risk is not worth having to avoid this particular market in order to avoid the clerk in the future.
So you buy your vegetables, most of which you dont even like. The cashier will tell you the total and youll wince, knowing you should be spending this money on paying your car insurance. But, hey, eating is kinda important, too, so you grin, you bear it, and you buy the vegetables.
On the way home, you see (what you assume to be) a homeless man waiting for a bus. You approach him on foot and offer him some celery. Hell tell you that Nixon went to Jupiter and built the Great Dam of China and that he watched it all happen in a NASA base where he was supposed to be monitoring his moon landing. Despite your better judgment, you ask him how he was supposed to be watching himself land on the moon. Hell look around suspiciously and then lean closer to you, allowing you to savor the pleasant aromatic mixture of his sweat, his/other peoples urine, and the pus leaking from his facial wounds (you dont know how or why, but you can smell each one).
The govverment made clones of me, hell whisper. I was involved in the revolution, served unner Washing hisself. Good man, that Washing. Father o the country. I was there when he met his wife, the Virgin Mary, on board the U.S.S. Titanic. She was the mother o this country, ya know. Delivered it in a New York hospital about same time you were born. Dunno why they still call her the Virgin, though. She and Washing had ten commandments and twenty grand-commandments. Happiest damn famly I ever seen. They dont teach you that no more in your schools. They also dont teach bomb drills. Poor kids. Wont know ta duck and cover when the missiles finally arrive. Alla those lil kiddies blown up to hell. Makes ya wonder why that gravity scientist invented that second world war in the first place.
You cant hold your tongue, He did it to protect all the artwork. Museums need nuclear defense systems, too, after all.
Well, sure, sure, hell agree. But when did Leonard Picasso ever fight for America? Never, thats when. But I did and you dont see me in a museum.
You tell him he belongs in one before taking your leave. He waves the celery at you as you disappear from sight.
When you arrive back home, youll find all your forks had been broken. The police wont care and the neighborhood superheroes are all on the moon, fighting robot Nazis. So now youre stuck with a lot of pointy-edged spoons.
You have two eyes, a nose, and a mouth, most likely. Right now, youre staring at some letters. Alphabet letters, not mail letters. There IS a difference.
When you stop reading this, youre going to walk over to the nearest grocery store and buy eight pounds of various vegetables. See, the employee reloading the carrot bins is going to be very attractive to you. So youre going to hover around the carrot bins, grabbing the vegetables that surround them. The employee will acknowledge your presence with a nod, smile a bit, and ask if you need assistance. Youll want to say something clever about a rare vegetable called a porking me (which will be funny, as it doesnt sound as obvious as it reads), but instead politely decline the offer.
Then youll wander around the supermarket for a while, debating on whether you should put the vegetables back or just grin, bear it, and purchase them. If you put them back, the employee will realize what game youre playing. This appeals to you at first because that would mean youd get to make out or possibly talk on the phone with your new crush. You dont want to be in an embarrassing situation, though, and decide the risk is not worth having to avoid this particular market in order to avoid the clerk in the future.
So you buy your vegetables, most of which you dont even like. The cashier will tell you the total and youll wince, knowing you should be spending this money on paying your car insurance. But, hey, eating is kinda important, too, so you grin, you bear it, and you buy the vegetables.
On the way home, you see (what you assume to be) a homeless man waiting for a bus. You approach him on foot and offer him some celery. Hell tell you that Nixon went to Jupiter and built the Great Dam of China and that he watched it all happen in a NASA base where he was supposed to be monitoring his moon landing. Despite your better judgment, you ask him how he was supposed to be watching himself land on the moon. Hell look around suspiciously and then lean closer to you, allowing you to savor the pleasant aromatic mixture of his sweat, his/other peoples urine, and the pus leaking from his facial wounds (you dont know how or why, but you can smell each one).
The govverment made clones of me, hell whisper. I was involved in the revolution, served unner Washing hisself. Good man, that Washing. Father o the country. I was there when he met his wife, the Virgin Mary, on board the U.S.S. Titanic. She was the mother o this country, ya know. Delivered it in a New York hospital about same time you were born. Dunno why they still call her the Virgin, though. She and Washing had ten commandments and twenty grand-commandments. Happiest damn famly I ever seen. They dont teach you that no more in your schools. They also dont teach bomb drills. Poor kids. Wont know ta duck and cover when the missiles finally arrive. Alla those lil kiddies blown up to hell. Makes ya wonder why that gravity scientist invented that second world war in the first place.
You cant hold your tongue, He did it to protect all the artwork. Museums need nuclear defense systems, too, after all.
Well, sure, sure, hell agree. But when did Leonard Picasso ever fight for America? Never, thats when. But I did and you dont see me in a museum.
You tell him he belongs in one before taking your leave. He waves the celery at you as you disappear from sight.
When you arrive back home, youll find all your forks had been broken. The police wont care and the neighborhood superheroes are all on the moon, fighting robot Nazis. So now youre stuck with a lot of pointy-edged spoons.
tinfoilhalo:
I think I've met that homeless guy before . He told me Abe Lincoln was from the planet Wurgon 5 , and he wore that big-ass hat to cover his antenna . 