Just turned in my term paper for Bible class. It's all about the book of Nahum.
Oh, man. I'm totally going to fail.
I titled it "Several Bogus Theories About God, Based On an Obscure Book That Still Manages To Rock The Party Like Its 1999 and Consequently Kick the Ass of Every Other Book in the Bible."
Here are some excerpts:
1.) In Nahum, God proclaims to the King of Nineveh, From the house of your gods I will cut off/ the carved image and cast image. (Nah 1.14) What God is saying is that God will actually go to the dwelling of the other gods and render those other gods powerless! To do something that remarkable, God must truly be a top-notch bad ass.
2.) No other sin is named as the reason for Gods wrath. It doesnt say anything like, And the Lord came unto the town and spoke, Lo! I am also speakesting to thee, foul perverts! Thine cavorting with the womenfolk shalt prove thy doom! Behold unto me, thy God. For I am a million feet tall and can breathe fire! Despair, despair, before the eyes of the Lord that shooteth lasers! And there was a great zapping of lasers. Far and wide fell the johns of the city. Behold, said the townsfolk, the Lord is truly awesome.
3.) There is no mention of male slaves anywhere. Its very unlikely that an entire city would have no male slaves. So why only mention the female slaves? Theres only one logical reason: all the men of the city are pirates. Heres the evidence: 1.) Nineveh was situated on the bank of the Tigris River. (2.6 note) Pirates need water to sail their pirate ships. 2.) The men of Nineveh were always attacking other countries. Its common knowledge that pirates attack a lot. 3.) When pirates shanghai men, they turn the men into pirates. The reason there are no male slaves is because all the slaves have been converted to pirates already. 4.) The use of the word plunder (Nah 2.9) and booty (Nah 3.1) is no mistake. Who else plunders besides pirates? Who else has booty? No one, thats who. 5.) There is no end of treasure! (Nah 2.9) Again, who else has treasure? Kings, sure. But do only only kings populate the city of Nineveh? No way. Only pirates have treasure. You never hear about chef treasure or racecar driver treasure. Nineveh has to be an all-pirate city.
4.) Maybe God was running late on the day to chose a new prophet and just kind of said, Lo! I need to pick a new prophet to foretell of a totally sweet battle. But Im late for tae bo class*. Oh, if only I hadnt spent so much time brushing my hair! Um oh, hell, Nahum shall do. And if Nahum dont, mine laser eyes shalt do some serious smiting. No wonder the poetry of this book is so good; Nahum had a LOT of spare time (alone) to write and edit it.
(*Note: God can go to tae bo class in 600 BCE. [HB 1336] because, along with laser eyes, God has time travel powers. Although, why God didnt use those time travel powers in the little story is completely over-shadowed by the comedic value of God in sweat pants and a Too Cool To Sweat t-shirt.)
On a crappy note, though, now that the class is over, I can no longer satisfy my weekly need to stare at the cute girl I've been pining over for the past few months.
So I'm sad.
I really should've asked her out...
Crap.
Oh, man. I'm totally going to fail.
I titled it "Several Bogus Theories About God, Based On an Obscure Book That Still Manages To Rock The Party Like Its 1999 and Consequently Kick the Ass of Every Other Book in the Bible."
Here are some excerpts:
1.) In Nahum, God proclaims to the King of Nineveh, From the house of your gods I will cut off/ the carved image and cast image. (Nah 1.14) What God is saying is that God will actually go to the dwelling of the other gods and render those other gods powerless! To do something that remarkable, God must truly be a top-notch bad ass.
2.) No other sin is named as the reason for Gods wrath. It doesnt say anything like, And the Lord came unto the town and spoke, Lo! I am also speakesting to thee, foul perverts! Thine cavorting with the womenfolk shalt prove thy doom! Behold unto me, thy God. For I am a million feet tall and can breathe fire! Despair, despair, before the eyes of the Lord that shooteth lasers! And there was a great zapping of lasers. Far and wide fell the johns of the city. Behold, said the townsfolk, the Lord is truly awesome.
3.) There is no mention of male slaves anywhere. Its very unlikely that an entire city would have no male slaves. So why only mention the female slaves? Theres only one logical reason: all the men of the city are pirates. Heres the evidence: 1.) Nineveh was situated on the bank of the Tigris River. (2.6 note) Pirates need water to sail their pirate ships. 2.) The men of Nineveh were always attacking other countries. Its common knowledge that pirates attack a lot. 3.) When pirates shanghai men, they turn the men into pirates. The reason there are no male slaves is because all the slaves have been converted to pirates already. 4.) The use of the word plunder (Nah 2.9) and booty (Nah 3.1) is no mistake. Who else plunders besides pirates? Who else has booty? No one, thats who. 5.) There is no end of treasure! (Nah 2.9) Again, who else has treasure? Kings, sure. But do only only kings populate the city of Nineveh? No way. Only pirates have treasure. You never hear about chef treasure or racecar driver treasure. Nineveh has to be an all-pirate city.
4.) Maybe God was running late on the day to chose a new prophet and just kind of said, Lo! I need to pick a new prophet to foretell of a totally sweet battle. But Im late for tae bo class*. Oh, if only I hadnt spent so much time brushing my hair! Um oh, hell, Nahum shall do. And if Nahum dont, mine laser eyes shalt do some serious smiting. No wonder the poetry of this book is so good; Nahum had a LOT of spare time (alone) to write and edit it.
(*Note: God can go to tae bo class in 600 BCE. [HB 1336] because, along with laser eyes, God has time travel powers. Although, why God didnt use those time travel powers in the little story is completely over-shadowed by the comedic value of God in sweat pants and a Too Cool To Sweat t-shirt.)
On a crappy note, though, now that the class is over, I can no longer satisfy my weekly need to stare at the cute girl I've been pining over for the past few months.
So I'm sad.
I really should've asked her out...
Crap.
VIEW 5 of 5 COMMENTS
Your version of God is so much cooler than the stuffy old "fire and brimstone" , smiting version . A sweatpants wearing , laser beam shootin' , hardcore deity !!!! That's who I want to worship .
P.S. Now that you've made God's image cool again , he owes you a favor . Get that whole time travel thing workin' for you and ask cute girl out .