So of course I'm in conflict at the moment, or I wouldn't be writing.
Lately, I've been spending more time at my old church, because people keep getting arrested and other type shit, and you know, there are some people there that I really care about and it'd be cold not to swing by and support them while they grieve.
Well, it gets me thinking. See, there are these people there that are really sincerely cool, like they're really totally together, and they care about people...like I know you can fake that shit and just front like you're happy or concerned or whatever...but these are the sort of people that think about me enough to know I was working at x Print Shop in 1980+y for two months when ~I~ don't even really know their names.
Granted, this is a vast minority. But, really cool people, right.
And it gets me thinking. These people are kind of everything I want to be; they're self-actualized and they're responsible and genteel, and they do nice things for people and know what to say and when to say it...and I get to thinking, how do they do it. Well, I know how ~they~ do it. They're christians, of course, and it's all they ever think about.
I used to be into that scene, and really I was kind of an asshole radicalist and it's done all kinds of horrible shit to my brain, and furthermore I've concluded that, even going through the motions of being a christian and reading the bible and praying for people, I've never really believed any of it is true. I don't think I ever will.
Even if I managed to convince myself that somehow christianity is right, I know I'd resent the deception. But damn, I want to be that man. :-/
Lately, I've been spending more time at my old church, because people keep getting arrested and other type shit, and you know, there are some people there that I really care about and it'd be cold not to swing by and support them while they grieve.
Well, it gets me thinking. See, there are these people there that are really sincerely cool, like they're really totally together, and they care about people...like I know you can fake that shit and just front like you're happy or concerned or whatever...but these are the sort of people that think about me enough to know I was working at x Print Shop in 1980+y for two months when ~I~ don't even really know their names.
Granted, this is a vast minority. But, really cool people, right.
And it gets me thinking. These people are kind of everything I want to be; they're self-actualized and they're responsible and genteel, and they do nice things for people and know what to say and when to say it...and I get to thinking, how do they do it. Well, I know how ~they~ do it. They're christians, of course, and it's all they ever think about.
I used to be into that scene, and really I was kind of an asshole radicalist and it's done all kinds of horrible shit to my brain, and furthermore I've concluded that, even going through the motions of being a christian and reading the bible and praying for people, I've never really believed any of it is true. I don't think I ever will.
Even if I managed to convince myself that somehow christianity is right, I know I'd resent the deception. But damn, I want to be that man. :-/
If you know what kind of person you want to be, do you really need a reason to be who you think you can be? Why not just go for it?
Its not like theres a twelve step program for happiness, not even for Christians.