harpys_revenge

So, crazy shit between Agent Black and I. We have spent every single night together since our admission of interest. And these nights are not spent in a more comfortable way, like fucking, no no no. Agent Black and I are talking and cuddling and sharing our inner most thoughts. I have told AB things no one has ever heard. Ever. I told AB everything that Ive been too closed off my whole life to tell. Tonight, AB noticed a big change in my mood, as AB can read my mood like a cereal box, and vocalized it. I told AB about my dead space that I fall into when Im not actively thinking, and in this dead space I dwell on stuff, and went on to tell AB what I dwell about. I told AB about how I dont know what to expect from this relationship. When I met Darling, I knew immediately that we would date for a long period of time and be enmeshed. When I have met others in my life I have known what would happen and could prepare. With Agent Black, I have no clue. And I told this. I told AB how intensely I feel and how, despite being able to do so in the past, I can no longer picture having sex with AB. i care for this person more than Ive ever cared for anyone before, but cannot place this person into a category of life. I told AB that I had no idea if I wanted to date them, be friends with them, or have an intimate relationship with them for the rest of my life, I just know I want them there. Strangley enough, Agent Black feels the same. I have always felt like I was incapable of having a feeling like that directed towards me. Someone who cares about me despite my crazies and my past. Cares about me with expecting something from me...

In a sadder note, 2 weeks ago I told Darling I needed a 'break' to clear my head of him and to see if I could go on dating him. Turns out, that without his heavy heart weighing me down, I have accomplished a ton within myself. I have overcome my fear of having friends and opening up to people (I made 2 whole friends and rekindled 1 older one) and I put myself out there by auditioning to be a stripper, getting accepted, and working as one. Albeit, it was short lived, but I had the courage and the drive to follow it through. Then, he started texting me, telling me he was a mess without me and he's the saddest person in the world. I told him to stop it, because it just made me feel worse and I hadnt even said anything. Then he shows up at my work, looking a wreck and crying. I havent even broken up with him. This is just a trial seperation. Its rpoof to me that this 4 and a half year relationship must come to an end, but I am scared to hurt him. Agent Black is telling me to talk to him, and I am fighting it with all my might. Darling just makes me feel terrible that I dont feel this way about him. Because he needs me this much and I am so much happier and healthier without him, I know that this must end, but I just dont know if there is any way to do it and not break it pretty little heart.

Des