Yesterday, my Easter set was released and I absolutely love it*
*I love that I'm on a site that encourages themed sets (I will take any excuse to dress up)
*I love both spending time with and shooting with @diamant
*I love the photos - the brightness of the set and sharing them with you all
*I love the community and using any opportunity to interact with all the amazing people here
...What I don't love is the anxiety I get when I upload content where I don't feel that I look like "me". The delay on set times coming out is (neccesary but also) a strange mental challenge. I am someone who has struggled long term with weight and body image.
Like so many people, that has absolutely been amplified by ~the virus~.
My first ever set for SG*, although not long ago for you guys, was a long time ago for me. I was feeling very myself. I was feeling confident. My hair was freshly done, my makeup was simple, I felt cute in my outfit, but most importantly (for this post atleast) my body looked the way it usually looks. The way I'm used to it looking, and the way I feel most confident and healthy in my body.
For the Easter set I was struggling with my health, body weight and image at the time of shooting (honestly, I still am a little bit) and I knew that. I knew that I was a bit uncomfortable shooting, that I would be uncomfortable editing the set and that I would be uncomfortable now on release.
Noone ever needs to justify feeling this way but, for the sake of being an positive voice, I'll say - I am someone who struggles with mental health and am proudly medicated. I'm also medicated for physical reasons. At the time of shooting, new medication mixed with life things ended with me putting on weight very quickly.
Mentally, I know this is completely okay. This is normal. It is important to celebrate bodies at all times of life, when you're feeling amazing and when you're feeling less than. I absolutely believe this through and through. I, myself, am a pansexual person who loves and celebrates people of all body types... but, like most people, when it's me? Sometimes emotionally those ideals and reality checks fall away.
Seeing this set now has been a huge mix of emotions for me - seeing my body in a way that I feel uncomfortable with is really difficult. Especially in a place that rewards the "perfect" or "best" sets.**
I guess my point here is to say two things:
THANK YOU - to everyone has commented or messaged me something lovely. To the people who have sent me tips with kind words (this means the world to me and makes me feel so special). To anyone who has enjoyed my new set for what it is, despite the fact that it might not align with how you are used to me looking.
IT'S OKAY - to anyone here who recognises this feeling in any context (yes, I'm also speaking to myself here). It's okay.
It's okay to be the person that you are today or that you were yesterday, and to not feel like it's completely "you". To still celebrate it for what it is and do the things that you love without letting it hold you back. It's okay to keep living your life the way you want to live it at these times - in fact, it might even be neccesary to get back to "you".
I know it can be scary, but losing any amount of days doing what you love because you are afraid is so much more terrifying.
Tofu x
*photo credit for my first SG set "Lemonade" - @sookysins
**"Especially in a place that rewards the "perfect" or "best" sets." - I want to make it clear that this isn't a criticism of how the site works. I think rewarding hard work and paying models and photographers is amazing, and it's just not possible to do that for everyone who posts a set every day. This is an expression of my own intrusive thoughts and the pressure I put on myself and the way I look, and I think it was important to include because I know a lot of models on this site can resonate with this feeling.
