harlow

its been a long ass time since i updated this blog. ive just been too busy and well, life has been pretty uneventful for a while.

im not dancing anymore, ive gone back to waitressing. i like it cos i work at a great restaurant and we just won awards for best service and so on. the food is awesome and i like all the staff. its a family run and owned business. the money does not compare in the slightest to dancing money, but at least i feel sane.

ive been doing a lot of feminist research and relaunched my website which has brought in a bit of business with the help of my thigh high boot video on youtube ha! still a few teething problems with the whole findom thing but im getting there. at the end of the day, what matters is what i desire and if losers cant realise that their purpose is to fulfill those desires then sorry for them.

i went on a 40 days and 40 nights rehab from boys and booze. managed to stay away from the boys but still had a few drinks, but GREATLY reduced. met an aussie guy along the way who taught me a lot about what attracts me to males. i.e. humour, creativity, respect and honour. we didnt hook up altho we got on really well and there was a tension there but i loved him for being such an awesome person and captivating me so much. its not often that someone is interesting enough to make me shut up and listen.

anyway, he is in italy with the family at the moment.

this summer i learned to surf and got pretty good at it quite fast but i havent surfed since i started waitressing which has been a couple months now. maybe i will go tomorrow. i cant wait to be in sydney and live in a city where i can also surf. i plan on living in manly beach, renting an attic flat if i can help it. i also had the brilliant idea of being a femdom escort in that insted of servicing the men for money, they pay to service me however i please. there are thousands of men in the world who would pay for that. i already have men paying me just because i am dominant and desire it. i never meet them and they never see me naked and i still get money!

i am really growing into my dominant nature and taking more control of myself. still doing ALOT of reading! its hard tho, i feel very alone in who i am. but then when have i not? we still live in an incredibly patriarchal society and it sickens me at how slow women are to waking up to their power and how much they let men get away with.

i want to leave for sydney by the 15th december. it doesnt leave a lot of time to get the money and apply for a visa and so on, but i hav faith that i am going. blind faith. i am already there in my head. almost everyday i imagine gong for a surf in my bikini, exploring sydney, running the website and doing my femdom escort experience idea. i originally thought about working as a dominatrix, but im not that big on it. sure, i like to slap and kick and bite guys, i am definately sadistic and i love it wen guys allow me to hurt them, but i dont think i want to do it for a living. i know however, that i definately DO want to take daily dance and kick boxing classes. i want to get ripped. and i want my long hair back.

i fucked this guy i met at the strip club i worked at during the summer. he is so in love with me. he lost his bottom leg in the army and is now a rich guy with nothing much to do. he wants me to be his girl, but i am no ones girl. not even for money. he just bought a 2007 ford mustang, i nearly creamed myself wen he showed it to me! we ended up fucking in it. and i ended up spending the next couple days feeling shit about it. fucking alcohol. i really just dont want to drink cos i always end up doing stupid things i regret. but i DO enjoy my jack and coke and my red wine...

mom and i hav a sweet little one bedroom maisonette flat now. both of us sleeping on couch beds which sucks. i miss a proper mattress, but at least it is our own home and we dont have to share it with other people or be disrupted by other peoples noise. its so cool to hav our own place and to hav all of our stuff around us again, even from south africa. and we got rid of so much stuff! i wish i owned a home i could keep it all in...

i just want to get to australia and experience living in a warm country again where there are proper waves in warm water. i love the idea that i can get both a city life and a beach life at the same time. i really cant wait to go! i am just waiting for my british passport to get sorted out but the home office sent my citizenship to london so i am waiting for them to send it down here so i can do the ceremony and then apply for my british passport - eight years after i got here dammit! but as soon as i hav it, then i can apply for an aussie visa.

so i saw a pink video today, just like a pill and the way she looks in that video is how i feel right now. and carey hart, oh man, i would KILL to marry a guy like that. hot, tattooed and a daredevil but still a good guy who honours her. and it got me thinking, to attract a guy like that, i gotta be the kinda girl guys like that go for. now dont get me wrong, i dont mean i want to become something im not, just more of what i am. i still feel so trapped in this mediocre life in this mediocre country where everyone goes around trying not to step on peoples toes and constantly seeking approval but never willing to giv it.

one of the chefs at work is the kind of guy i would love to be with but i respect his girlfriend who i work with too much and besides, im not a home wrecker. theyve been together like 8 months or something, not that long but they seem to hav a solid relationship. tyne is such a great girl, very together but very controlled. mike is totally funny and weird and he was raised right and he has tattoos all over him. hes my kind of weird. but i would never make an advance and funnily enough, i dont hav any feeling towards him except for admiration and respect. i also keep my distance a lot because i know how girls get real jealous of me.

um, so i think thats everything