"her hour glass body..."
i felt very lonely yesterday. bumped into some people from the hostel on my way into town and we chatted outside lee's longboard shop until someone got a call about some waves somewhere and everyone jumped in the car to go. jay asked what i was up to and i said nothing and then they left. thanks for the invite mate. but its probably cos ive not been surfing with them or something, i dont know. anyway, felt pretty left out and lonely so i called my mom.
then james called to ask what i was up to and invited me to a saffa braai with his saffa mates. so i went shopping for supplies with them and that was cool, met his buddy dylan from jay bay. it was so good to hang out with just saffas - we all had a good bitch session about the English and this country and felt very patriotic. But then we also just beat the Aussies at the rugby!
Anyway, james was still trying it on as usual and i was giving him such a hard time. We all had a lekker chow and then drank at the pub across the road. I stayed over at james'. We didnt shag because I said I didnt want to but somewhere along the line I got annoyed with him and made to leave and he pretty much said fuck off so i got even more mad until he made up with me and made me stay. He has a small penis, glad I decided against not shagging. I kept my knickers on the whole time and got myself off. Besides, Im on my period and didnt hav a tampon so wanted to be careful not to make a mess on his sheets to save me from embarrassment.
Had a dream filled sleep that involved the whole scenario with james that day in my dream again but more intense which was quite confusing to me everytime i woke up, i thought i was still in the dream and it felt weird. anyway, i got up at 9:30 and made us coffee, when i was saying goodbye he said, dont be in such a rush to leave next time, i said what do you mean, he said last night, i said dont be in such a rush to encourage me to leave and then he goes, well you could either fuck off or stay and have this and showed me his hard on.
what a fucking idiot.
i just kept my mouth shut, said goodbye and left. on my way out he asked if id call him and i said maybe and he made some comment, i just closed the door without looking back at him. he doesnt deserve even my honesty. i mean while i was giving him a hug goodbye he asked me if i came last night, so i sort of huffedlaughed and said yes, i mean, duh! i made myself come, whats it to him? he didnt believe me and said i was lying. i said nothing. i shouldnt hav to explain myself to him.
what he doesnt realise its still always about his cock and his satisfaction. he thinks it isnt, that hes being there for me and whatever cos im fucked up and he can see it but his cock keeps getting in the way and thats why i didnt pay it any attention. i even said to him "your cock was created to please me so it only exists when i want to use it"
i even found myself lying on his back kissing his head and neck and saying "i wish you were a girl". and i honestly did. id rather be with a girl then have to deal with cock mentality - its so fucking tiresome. god i am so over the fucking cock.
i walked home thinking, the next time i fuck a guy it will be purely because i want to fuck a cock and nothing else. i may be turning gay but there is nothing like the feeling of real cock. unfortunately its attached to a male ego but there are ways around that to get what i want.
i am so fucking over being treated and seen like a sex object, like i was created for the pleasure of man. its so fucking untrue. MEN are created for a WOMANS PLEASURE. why do you think they are so concerned with making us come and they automatically respond when you ask them to do something that pleases you. if they dont, theyre not worth your time anyway.
in a way i want to become a raging fucking lesbian just to make the boys suffer even more because they all want me and then they really couldnt have me because id rather have a woman than a man.
its sad that i have become so jaded because of the lack of quality of man i have consistently been introduced to. is my vision blurred? maybe. but i am not so closed off that i have lost all belief that there is still a good guy out there who doesnt lead with his cock.
god 95% of the male population in the western world should be carstrated. there would be a hell of a lot more peace in this world.
jesus christ, i shouldve told james to go fuck himself when he said i couldve left or stayed for his cock. if your greatest achievement and pleasure lies between your legs then i feel sorry for you.
after i closed the door after i said maybe id call him, i said outloud to myself "maybe wen youre less of a cunt ill call you". i dont think he would have heard me but i dont want to be around him anymore. the only fucking reason i went back to him is cos i was lonely and that gets me in trouble everytime. i end up messing with the wrong guys cos im lonely. how fucking sad is that.
grow some fucking balls lisa.
he says to me i just need to be loved. i need to be made love to. i said, you cant make love with someone you dont love or who doesnt love you. ive been there. ive made love. ive been in love. more than once. i know how it feels. i know what love feels like and his love is all a front to his needy self-satisfaction.
i know i need to be loved. how many times hav i lain in bed with some guy and sadly thought to myself in my deep dark personal universe "i just want to be loved". the tinyest voice. such a tiny voice makes such a loud noise in my own head. but then i am an empty container, theres a lot of room for ricocheting "will you love mes?".
in fct i keep seeing this image in my head of this little girl in her nighty holding her teady bear in one arm and with her other hand holding onto the suit tails of a grown man of whom you cannot see and she is looking up with sad, imploring eyes saying, "please sir, will you love me?".
i may be 28 and a lap dancer but that little girl is who i really am. sitting along on the street corner sucking her thumb waiting for another sir to come by and maybe this time... maybe this time he will scoop me up and love me the way i deserve to be loved. love ME. not my sexuality.
maybe this time i wont have to be someone crutch.
im the one in need and yet im the cross bearer. everytime.
hatty was right, i just needed a hug that night.
unconditional love. love without lust. pure unadulterated love for another human being.
i am so unclean and yet so pure. innocence and wisdom my friend.
i am so very very special. like a magnet i draw to me all those who lack something and because i am lonely in my special place, i allow them in for that moment of mutual comfort, that fleeting moment where i gain some affection, only to have it painfully replaced with a cavity caused by the sucking out of my energy, my speciality because someone else used it like a bandaid and i gave it away - an unfair trade off because my wound is so large, no one has a bandage big enough. so i try to patch it up with bits of others but they rip it off each and every time and take a piece of me with them.
like a lost lion, i crawled into the desert, someone told me it wasnt far to the next watering whole, someone who had help, and i fell, and fallen i lie here and watch the buzzards pick away at my flesh just for their company.
why do i keep trying to hold on to sanity? it never did me any good anyway. i watch movies with great fucked up characters and wish i could be so beautifully fucked up too. but im not creative enough.
i guess im holding out for that salvation im hoping will come. a saviour to save me from myself. someone who has the capacity to love me so implicitly that i let go. oh god what amazing bliss it would be to be able to just let go. to become fearless and unguarded. to have such trust in someone that i become defenseless and am able to grow.
i feel like an abused pet that fears anyone's advances even if meant to help and which takes a long time to relax and let someone love me and let myself love back. but it would take someone with the willingness to patiently and persistently love me.
i believe that someone is out there. and each time i meet someone new i wonder if theyre the one.
kings of leon - trunk is the perfect soundtrack to this...
i felt very lonely yesterday. bumped into some people from the hostel on my way into town and we chatted outside lee's longboard shop until someone got a call about some waves somewhere and everyone jumped in the car to go. jay asked what i was up to and i said nothing and then they left. thanks for the invite mate. but its probably cos ive not been surfing with them or something, i dont know. anyway, felt pretty left out and lonely so i called my mom.
then james called to ask what i was up to and invited me to a saffa braai with his saffa mates. so i went shopping for supplies with them and that was cool, met his buddy dylan from jay bay. it was so good to hang out with just saffas - we all had a good bitch session about the English and this country and felt very patriotic. But then we also just beat the Aussies at the rugby!
Anyway, james was still trying it on as usual and i was giving him such a hard time. We all had a lekker chow and then drank at the pub across the road. I stayed over at james'. We didnt shag because I said I didnt want to but somewhere along the line I got annoyed with him and made to leave and he pretty much said fuck off so i got even more mad until he made up with me and made me stay. He has a small penis, glad I decided against not shagging. I kept my knickers on the whole time and got myself off. Besides, Im on my period and didnt hav a tampon so wanted to be careful not to make a mess on his sheets to save me from embarrassment.
Had a dream filled sleep that involved the whole scenario with james that day in my dream again but more intense which was quite confusing to me everytime i woke up, i thought i was still in the dream and it felt weird. anyway, i got up at 9:30 and made us coffee, when i was saying goodbye he said, dont be in such a rush to leave next time, i said what do you mean, he said last night, i said dont be in such a rush to encourage me to leave and then he goes, well you could either fuck off or stay and have this and showed me his hard on.
what a fucking idiot.
i just kept my mouth shut, said goodbye and left. on my way out he asked if id call him and i said maybe and he made some comment, i just closed the door without looking back at him. he doesnt deserve even my honesty. i mean while i was giving him a hug goodbye he asked me if i came last night, so i sort of huffedlaughed and said yes, i mean, duh! i made myself come, whats it to him? he didnt believe me and said i was lying. i said nothing. i shouldnt hav to explain myself to him.
what he doesnt realise its still always about his cock and his satisfaction. he thinks it isnt, that hes being there for me and whatever cos im fucked up and he can see it but his cock keeps getting in the way and thats why i didnt pay it any attention. i even said to him "your cock was created to please me so it only exists when i want to use it"
i even found myself lying on his back kissing his head and neck and saying "i wish you were a girl". and i honestly did. id rather be with a girl then have to deal with cock mentality - its so fucking tiresome. god i am so over the fucking cock.
i walked home thinking, the next time i fuck a guy it will be purely because i want to fuck a cock and nothing else. i may be turning gay but there is nothing like the feeling of real cock. unfortunately its attached to a male ego but there are ways around that to get what i want.
i am so fucking over being treated and seen like a sex object, like i was created for the pleasure of man. its so fucking untrue. MEN are created for a WOMANS PLEASURE. why do you think they are so concerned with making us come and they automatically respond when you ask them to do something that pleases you. if they dont, theyre not worth your time anyway.
in a way i want to become a raging fucking lesbian just to make the boys suffer even more because they all want me and then they really couldnt have me because id rather have a woman than a man.
its sad that i have become so jaded because of the lack of quality of man i have consistently been introduced to. is my vision blurred? maybe. but i am not so closed off that i have lost all belief that there is still a good guy out there who doesnt lead with his cock.
god 95% of the male population in the western world should be carstrated. there would be a hell of a lot more peace in this world.
jesus christ, i shouldve told james to go fuck himself when he said i couldve left or stayed for his cock. if your greatest achievement and pleasure lies between your legs then i feel sorry for you.
after i closed the door after i said maybe id call him, i said outloud to myself "maybe wen youre less of a cunt ill call you". i dont think he would have heard me but i dont want to be around him anymore. the only fucking reason i went back to him is cos i was lonely and that gets me in trouble everytime. i end up messing with the wrong guys cos im lonely. how fucking sad is that.
grow some fucking balls lisa.
he says to me i just need to be loved. i need to be made love to. i said, you cant make love with someone you dont love or who doesnt love you. ive been there. ive made love. ive been in love. more than once. i know how it feels. i know what love feels like and his love is all a front to his needy self-satisfaction.
i know i need to be loved. how many times hav i lain in bed with some guy and sadly thought to myself in my deep dark personal universe "i just want to be loved". the tinyest voice. such a tiny voice makes such a loud noise in my own head. but then i am an empty container, theres a lot of room for ricocheting "will you love mes?".
in fct i keep seeing this image in my head of this little girl in her nighty holding her teady bear in one arm and with her other hand holding onto the suit tails of a grown man of whom you cannot see and she is looking up with sad, imploring eyes saying, "please sir, will you love me?".
i may be 28 and a lap dancer but that little girl is who i really am. sitting along on the street corner sucking her thumb waiting for another sir to come by and maybe this time... maybe this time he will scoop me up and love me the way i deserve to be loved. love ME. not my sexuality.
maybe this time i wont have to be someone crutch.
im the one in need and yet im the cross bearer. everytime.
hatty was right, i just needed a hug that night.
unconditional love. love without lust. pure unadulterated love for another human being.
i am so unclean and yet so pure. innocence and wisdom my friend.
i am so very very special. like a magnet i draw to me all those who lack something and because i am lonely in my special place, i allow them in for that moment of mutual comfort, that fleeting moment where i gain some affection, only to have it painfully replaced with a cavity caused by the sucking out of my energy, my speciality because someone else used it like a bandaid and i gave it away - an unfair trade off because my wound is so large, no one has a bandage big enough. so i try to patch it up with bits of others but they rip it off each and every time and take a piece of me with them.
like a lost lion, i crawled into the desert, someone told me it wasnt far to the next watering whole, someone who had help, and i fell, and fallen i lie here and watch the buzzards pick away at my flesh just for their company.
why do i keep trying to hold on to sanity? it never did me any good anyway. i watch movies with great fucked up characters and wish i could be so beautifully fucked up too. but im not creative enough.
i guess im holding out for that salvation im hoping will come. a saviour to save me from myself. someone who has the capacity to love me so implicitly that i let go. oh god what amazing bliss it would be to be able to just let go. to become fearless and unguarded. to have such trust in someone that i become defenseless and am able to grow.
i feel like an abused pet that fears anyone's advances even if meant to help and which takes a long time to relax and let someone love me and let myself love back. but it would take someone with the willingness to patiently and persistently love me.
i believe that someone is out there. and each time i meet someone new i wonder if theyre the one.
kings of leon - trunk is the perfect soundtrack to this...