Today I am not happy. Or should I say this evening.
You see an opportunity opened up to me this afternoon, one I think I subconciously meticulously avoid... A moment of nothing to do. Of total non stimulation. And then it hit me. All the things that patiently wait to pounce on Me should a moment like this crop up.
You see, when I have My PC and My TV and My DVDs and My magazines and My fridge to raid, I dont need to think. I think about what Im creating online, or what Im watching or reading or eating. And sleep is my blissful rest in between where the greatest escape is experienced.
So today, when I managed to bust the DVD player AND the satelitte at the same time and My PC DVD drive wouldnt read the DVDs either, I was PISSED.
Why? Not because I couldnt play with My toys, that is only part of it. Not being able to play with My toys means thoughts like "What the HELL are you doing with your life Lisa!?" begin to beat on my brain like a squash ball in an Olympic tournament.
So I decide to watch downloaded episodes of J-Lo's DanceLife. Probably not a great idea either... You see, Dancelife is all about a handful of professional dancers who train, do auditions and dance for celebrities. This was my dream. This was what I wanted to do with my life. And now I sit here at 28 years old, fat and unfit. I scrape what I can together as a lapdancer 3 nights a week and try and get submissive men to pay tribute to "My Perfect Beauty" through a home made website which is just another gamble. I share a double room with My mom and we sleep in the same bed. I have no belongings and no money. Even if I wanted to go back to dancing, it is way too late. And yet, I get so lost in the music while I walk with my iPod in my ears. As I listen I can literally see me dancing the moves to the song thats playing. Any song. From Justin Timberlake to Gaelle. Its like its in me to dance. I was born with it. I have a natural talent to understand the music and create the movements to express it. I have seen myself dance to music in the dance room in my head since I was a little girl.
I dont even like who I am right now. I am boring. I bore myself. I am bored! I am bland and uninteresting. I mean what am I doing with myself? A lapdancer by night and an online money mistress by day? And what do they do for me? Nothing. I pay my bills just about and I get some gifts bought for me. This is not what I want!
I want to go to America. I want to go to Southern California. I want to be a skateboarding, surfing, dancing DJ with tattoos and tri-tone hair. I just know I will fall instantly in love with America when I get there. People BELIEVE in themselves, they PROMOTE themselves, they talk themselves up and are CONFIDENT. They MAKE THEMSELVES. And what am I? A nothing. A shell of a person with an embittered concious that doesnt create anymore. The extent of My creativeness is my website.
I feel like ive closed up shop. Ive lost all motivation to create myself. What for? I dont live anywhere it would be appreciated. I dont know anyone interesting. Everything around me is bland and grey. There is no life, no positivity, no art and expression. Im so over it all.
I want to go to America and find a place I can create from. I hate this country. I hate England with a passion. I hate its people and everything about it. It is so fucking boring and fucked up. It makes me sad living here. So many people so self absorbed and so delusioned. So wanna be American but never quite cutting it. Pimp My Ride UK, please, do me a favour! Britian's Next Top Model? AMERICA WILL ALWAYS DO IT THE BEST!
I just want to go somewhere I feel at home. Somewhere people are cool and happy and doing something with their lives and not all fucking office workers. I need to be somewhere creative and forward thinking. I need to be inspired.
And how am I going to get there? Am I going to be stuck sharing a room & a bed with my mother for the next 5yrs, trying to get by on what little money I can make?
Get a real job then Lisa. Yeah right, Im happy with the better of two evils thanks.
You see an opportunity opened up to me this afternoon, one I think I subconciously meticulously avoid... A moment of nothing to do. Of total non stimulation. And then it hit me. All the things that patiently wait to pounce on Me should a moment like this crop up.
You see, when I have My PC and My TV and My DVDs and My magazines and My fridge to raid, I dont need to think. I think about what Im creating online, or what Im watching or reading or eating. And sleep is my blissful rest in between where the greatest escape is experienced.
So today, when I managed to bust the DVD player AND the satelitte at the same time and My PC DVD drive wouldnt read the DVDs either, I was PISSED.
Why? Not because I couldnt play with My toys, that is only part of it. Not being able to play with My toys means thoughts like "What the HELL are you doing with your life Lisa!?" begin to beat on my brain like a squash ball in an Olympic tournament.
So I decide to watch downloaded episodes of J-Lo's DanceLife. Probably not a great idea either... You see, Dancelife is all about a handful of professional dancers who train, do auditions and dance for celebrities. This was my dream. This was what I wanted to do with my life. And now I sit here at 28 years old, fat and unfit. I scrape what I can together as a lapdancer 3 nights a week and try and get submissive men to pay tribute to "My Perfect Beauty" through a home made website which is just another gamble. I share a double room with My mom and we sleep in the same bed. I have no belongings and no money. Even if I wanted to go back to dancing, it is way too late. And yet, I get so lost in the music while I walk with my iPod in my ears. As I listen I can literally see me dancing the moves to the song thats playing. Any song. From Justin Timberlake to Gaelle. Its like its in me to dance. I was born with it. I have a natural talent to understand the music and create the movements to express it. I have seen myself dance to music in the dance room in my head since I was a little girl.
I dont even like who I am right now. I am boring. I bore myself. I am bored! I am bland and uninteresting. I mean what am I doing with myself? A lapdancer by night and an online money mistress by day? And what do they do for me? Nothing. I pay my bills just about and I get some gifts bought for me. This is not what I want!
I want to go to America. I want to go to Southern California. I want to be a skateboarding, surfing, dancing DJ with tattoos and tri-tone hair. I just know I will fall instantly in love with America when I get there. People BELIEVE in themselves, they PROMOTE themselves, they talk themselves up and are CONFIDENT. They MAKE THEMSELVES. And what am I? A nothing. A shell of a person with an embittered concious that doesnt create anymore. The extent of My creativeness is my website.
I feel like ive closed up shop. Ive lost all motivation to create myself. What for? I dont live anywhere it would be appreciated. I dont know anyone interesting. Everything around me is bland and grey. There is no life, no positivity, no art and expression. Im so over it all.
I want to go to America and find a place I can create from. I hate this country. I hate England with a passion. I hate its people and everything about it. It is so fucking boring and fucked up. It makes me sad living here. So many people so self absorbed and so delusioned. So wanna be American but never quite cutting it. Pimp My Ride UK, please, do me a favour! Britian's Next Top Model? AMERICA WILL ALWAYS DO IT THE BEST!
I just want to go somewhere I feel at home. Somewhere people are cool and happy and doing something with their lives and not all fucking office workers. I need to be somewhere creative and forward thinking. I need to be inspired.
And how am I going to get there? Am I going to be stuck sharing a room & a bed with my mother for the next 5yrs, trying to get by on what little money I can make?
Get a real job then Lisa. Yeah right, Im happy with the better of two evils thanks.