So youre probably wondering why I havent spoken to you since.
To be honest, I didnt know what to say to you. I guess I needed time to get my head round what happened, figure out how I feel about it and what to do/say in the after math.
My first reaction was of anger. Im pretty mad at you. And then I hate that I dont want to show you that because Im scared it might make you feel worse about yourself but you know what? This isnt just about you Brent. I mean, what the hell were you thinking!? You are a brother, a son and a best friend. Your life is not only about you and how you feel about you, its about all of us who are so closely connected to you. Yeah, ok, maybe Im being selfish in my reaction but I am pretty damn sure I never want to have to go through that again. Especially living so far away. Did it not even occur to you that I cant afford to fly home to attend your funeral? Can you imagine your funeral without me being there!? How could you have a fabulous funeral without me there to say all the wonderful things only I could say? And how could you expect me to be honest about all those wonderful things when you just took your own life?
I know you werent really thinking tho. I hope you realise how fucking lucky you are to still be alive. I saved your fucking life Brent (with help from some friends) but I dont want to have to be in that position ever again. I dont want to have to be so angry at you ever again. You are a part of me, what gives you the right to take that part of me away, without even consulting me first? I mean, who the hell do you think you are!? Yeah, Im fucking angry, so hear me out. And yeah, it fucking scares me to show you how angry I am at you because Im scared it will send you back there - how sick is that?
I guess what Im trying to say is that I love you. Yeah, actually, I really do. And I really care about what happens to you, about your happiness AND your sadness. Brent you and I are connected because we have the kind of bond that the majority of humanity wishes they had with someone else. We may not use it, but its there and that bond means we are there for eachother no matter what. NO MATTER WHAT. I would drop everything for you Brent. I love you unconditionaly. No matter where I am in the world, or what responsibilities I have, I would be there for you as much as I could be.
So my point is Brent, your life is not your own. Its not yours for the taking. You come to me first. I dont want you to ever get so far again. And I had no idea. This will not happen again Brent. Im actually hurt that you felt you had no one there for you, no one who truly understood you, or heard you, or believed you were hurting so much. Maybe if youd fucking told me I couldve been more help! So its up to you to let your guard down with me, because otherwise, what is the fucking point of our friendship? I do not consider myself just a best friend. Just a labelled friend but not an actual used friend. I am here to hear you, no matter how fucked up you think you are. Give me some damn credit.
I care so deeply about you Brent but there is only so much I can do if you dont let me in, or use my friendship.
I love you.
