So Im still not working but I got work at the concerts starting this weekend.
Hung out with Hot Brazillian on Saturday at Camden Market. We're like one of those couples who are always kissing and touching that make you wanna puke. Its funny, Im like that with him but as soon as we're apart, Im not bothered. I dont think about him, but he obviously thinks about me cos he's always texting me and trying to get me to go see him. Im really not that bothered. Its nice tho, to have someone into me. He's even invited me and my mom to join him and his friends for Christmas lunch! Thats like, a month away! Its funny, at first I thought, why would a hot guy like him wanna be with me. yeah i know, what was i thinking!? but he thinks im gorgeous and very sexy and so on, and yeah, i am. I really need to get rid of this little self-doubt demon in my head. Im getting better at shutting him up, and lately ive been drowning him out with my own positive affirmations:
I AM FILTHY RICH
I AM SUCCESSFUL
I AM DESERVING
I AM HAPPY
I AM GORGEOUS
I AM A GODDDESS
I repeat these to myself under my breath as often as I can. I know its important for me to actually believe these things and some moments I really do. But I come from a lifetime of never feeling good enough so its not going to be easy and I remind myself of that when I get frustrated. Im just glad Im on the right road!
I am going to audition at the local strip club tomorrow. Its just up the road and the first place i auditioned at when i first started a couple years ago. ive not danced for at least a year, but, I am still trying to skirt real responsibility and not get a bar job. And even that seems like a cop out to me since im gonna be 28 in a couple months and Im like fuck, Im nearly 30, shouldnt I be like working real hard at becoming financially independent and cementing my future??? I mean, I dont really have anything to say for myself apart from the fact that all the hard work on my character is starting to pay off I think. I am feeling really proud of the person I am. Except when I get drunk and pick fights with random guys, throw up and chastise myself all of the next day.
You know, I think I just realised why it has to be all or nothing with me. Because I have no self control. No discipline. So its either GO or NO. Cos living in the grey area might make more sense, but it means a hell of a lot of self control of which I dont have the faintest idea of accomplishing.
Its lke asking an elephant to do ballet.
Today I finally admitted to myself that I am really fucking lazy. Like REALLY lazy. So lazy in fact that it affects my life and the people around me. Gosh, just wen I think ive got me all figured out... Anyway, so now im wondering if you can buy self-help books on how to stop being lazy. But its a lifetime habit. Like give me and option of doing something or not - I would rather not. Id rather sleep. Or watch a movie, or read, or sit on the internet.
There are all these things that I want to do to feel better about myself and my life, like exercise everyday and get a real job and become financially stable but I just end up doing everything but. I know how successful I can be, I know how dynamite I could be, I know that if I wasnt lazy, Id be a force to be reckoned with. I know that if I focused on and put into action the things I want in my life, I wouldnt be fucking up so much. I wouldnt get drunk and get into fights with boys. I wouldnt be wasting my life sleeping and chasing shadows.
Still, at least Im not depressed anymore! Phew! Was that not a fun time of my life... And at least Im learning you know? At least Im reading all these inspiring books like Why Men Love Bitches and Venus On Top and Mae West's biography.
I think really, I am trying to find the girl I used to be. I was precocious and demanding and had to be the center of attention. I was fearless and extroverted. I loved to tease, still do, but now that every ounce of innocence in me has been lost I can be hugely shy.
Like men love me, they fall over themselves for me. Not a day goes by that Im not noticed if I leave the house. And I dont dress provocatively and I dont smile at stangers. But they all slow down their cars, whistle, holler, wave and smile or make some comment. There's just something about me apparently. The thing is, I dont know how to control this something in my favour and I wish I did. Cos sometimes, when I notice guys are going guggah for me, i really shrink! i pretend like i dont know what theyre doing, i play it real quiet. Im afraid to bask in the attention because i know how powerful this thing is that theyre attracted to and im scared of what might happen if i worked it because im not quite sure how to control it.
God, i could have such an amazin life if i just let myself go. So if I know this, then why am I holding on so tight?
Hung out with Hot Brazillian on Saturday at Camden Market. We're like one of those couples who are always kissing and touching that make you wanna puke. Its funny, Im like that with him but as soon as we're apart, Im not bothered. I dont think about him, but he obviously thinks about me cos he's always texting me and trying to get me to go see him. Im really not that bothered. Its nice tho, to have someone into me. He's even invited me and my mom to join him and his friends for Christmas lunch! Thats like, a month away! Its funny, at first I thought, why would a hot guy like him wanna be with me. yeah i know, what was i thinking!? but he thinks im gorgeous and very sexy and so on, and yeah, i am. I really need to get rid of this little self-doubt demon in my head. Im getting better at shutting him up, and lately ive been drowning him out with my own positive affirmations:
I AM FILTHY RICH
I AM SUCCESSFUL
I AM DESERVING
I AM HAPPY
I AM GORGEOUS
I AM A GODDDESS
I repeat these to myself under my breath as often as I can. I know its important for me to actually believe these things and some moments I really do. But I come from a lifetime of never feeling good enough so its not going to be easy and I remind myself of that when I get frustrated. Im just glad Im on the right road!
I am going to audition at the local strip club tomorrow. Its just up the road and the first place i auditioned at when i first started a couple years ago. ive not danced for at least a year, but, I am still trying to skirt real responsibility and not get a bar job. And even that seems like a cop out to me since im gonna be 28 in a couple months and Im like fuck, Im nearly 30, shouldnt I be like working real hard at becoming financially independent and cementing my future??? I mean, I dont really have anything to say for myself apart from the fact that all the hard work on my character is starting to pay off I think. I am feeling really proud of the person I am. Except when I get drunk and pick fights with random guys, throw up and chastise myself all of the next day.
You know, I think I just realised why it has to be all or nothing with me. Because I have no self control. No discipline. So its either GO or NO. Cos living in the grey area might make more sense, but it means a hell of a lot of self control of which I dont have the faintest idea of accomplishing.
Its lke asking an elephant to do ballet.
Today I finally admitted to myself that I am really fucking lazy. Like REALLY lazy. So lazy in fact that it affects my life and the people around me. Gosh, just wen I think ive got me all figured out... Anyway, so now im wondering if you can buy self-help books on how to stop being lazy. But its a lifetime habit. Like give me and option of doing something or not - I would rather not. Id rather sleep. Or watch a movie, or read, or sit on the internet.
There are all these things that I want to do to feel better about myself and my life, like exercise everyday and get a real job and become financially stable but I just end up doing everything but. I know how successful I can be, I know how dynamite I could be, I know that if I wasnt lazy, Id be a force to be reckoned with. I know that if I focused on and put into action the things I want in my life, I wouldnt be fucking up so much. I wouldnt get drunk and get into fights with boys. I wouldnt be wasting my life sleeping and chasing shadows.
Still, at least Im not depressed anymore! Phew! Was that not a fun time of my life... And at least Im learning you know? At least Im reading all these inspiring books like Why Men Love Bitches and Venus On Top and Mae West's biography.
I think really, I am trying to find the girl I used to be. I was precocious and demanding and had to be the center of attention. I was fearless and extroverted. I loved to tease, still do, but now that every ounce of innocence in me has been lost I can be hugely shy.
Like men love me, they fall over themselves for me. Not a day goes by that Im not noticed if I leave the house. And I dont dress provocatively and I dont smile at stangers. But they all slow down their cars, whistle, holler, wave and smile or make some comment. There's just something about me apparently. The thing is, I dont know how to control this something in my favour and I wish I did. Cos sometimes, when I notice guys are going guggah for me, i really shrink! i pretend like i dont know what theyre doing, i play it real quiet. Im afraid to bask in the attention because i know how powerful this thing is that theyre attracted to and im scared of what might happen if i worked it because im not quite sure how to control it.
God, i could have such an amazin life if i just let myself go. So if I know this, then why am I holding on so tight?
xerxes: