harlot

5 years ago today...

FIVE years ago. From time to time, that morning plays over and over again in my head like the worst movie I've ever seen.

5 years ago I lost the most beautiful woman I've ever seen. My mother. My beautiful, wonderful mother. It's taken a long time, but the goriest of details from that morning are finally done haunting me. You went peacefully and didn't feel a thing. That's what the medical examiner told us when she so graciously called to let us know how you passed. We all thought it was a heart attack. Guilt overcoming us, feeling as if maybe we could have helped you prevent it. We could have stressed you out less. We could have helped you eat better. But we were told this was unpreventable. The blood clot would have been undetectable. And luckily for all of us, you went peacefully even though the aftermath, was anything but.

I know that I wasn't the best teenager. I've visited you at the cemetery on a number of occasions and spilled my heart out to you. Trying my best to reassure you that I didn't EVER for one second hate you. I'm sorry for all the times I'd lied. I'm sorry that for a moment in time, I made your life miserable. I was angsty. I didn't realize it at the time, but losing daddy was a lot harder on me then I had ever thought. But you never acted like I was the horrible teenager that I was. You stuck by, and believed in me. And because of that, I stopped being so horrible. I focused more on my school work. I graduated high school with amazing grades. I did it for you. For myself, too. But mainly for you and daddy. I wanted to be the first one in the family to wear a cap and gown. I look at the pictures from graduation day. You were so happy. Your beautiful smile as big as I'd ever seen it. I remember finding you after graduation. You were all bleary eyed from crying, but smiling that big smile.

Even though we didn't have one of those super close mother-daughter relationships in which I could tell you anything and everything, you were still my best friend and I didn't realize it. You were funny and kind and we just got each other. I often find myself finding out some REALLY juicy gossip and thinking to myself "holy shit I can't wait to tell momma". It breaks my heart, but I know that you're up there, laughing that fabulous laugh that I every so often am blessed to hear in my dreams. Every time Tracey calls me with some juicy gossip, I can't help but think of you. I think about all the times we'd fight and hate each other. Tracey and I would be practically clawing each others eyes out. We'd both get punished and after things calmed down, you'd always tell us that someday we'd love each other. Someday we'd be best friends. And like always, you were right. Unfortunately it took your leaving us for that to happen. She was only 10 days away from being 18 when you passed. She still had a whole year of school to complete. So we banded together. Me, Paul, Tina and Tracey and we all helped her though school. And she kicked so much ass at school. She hated school like I did, but she graduated with honors. And now I'm 26 and she's on the brink of 23. We're adults now. It's crazy. She has an apartment, I live in California. I hope that you and daddy are proud of our accomplishments. It's been a long road getting here. I know that I personally have made some poor decisions along the way, but those things made me stronger and better.

And here I sit, right now at 26 years old, possibly and hopefully pregnant with my first child and your first full blood grandchild. I'm only a year younger then you were when you had me, your first child. I often wonder if you thought the same things I'm thinking. Were you scared? Were you ready ? I know daddy was ready because he already had 5 children before you two married. You were an amazing mother. I had an amazing childhood filled with so SO many fantastic memories. I have already made a promise to myself that I will make my childrens lives as amazing as you and daddy made ours. I want to be the mother you were. You were a good combination of mother and friend. I sometimes wish we had been able to talk more. But I realize now that I could have talked to you, if I had just opened myself up to you a bit more. I can remember occasions in which we talked, in depth, about certain subjects. You were, in my eyes, perfect.

And here we are five years later. Five years older. Five years wiser. All of the anger of your passing has subsided. Someone very close to me, very special to me told me that sometimes things happen for a reason. Sometimes God or whoever we may believe in, has something planned for the bigger picture. I used to feel like you were taken from us as some sort of punishment, to teach us some sort of lesson. I've felt for a very very long time like that wasn't fair. Taking the parents of 2 young girls away just to show us something. I'm really not sure if I can fully commit to believing that, but I do know that there were definitely lessons learned. You always said "you learn something new everyday." And I do. I can understand now why you wanted us to go to church with you. You had unwavering faith in things. While I'm not 100% sure who or what I believe I do know that there is a rosary hanging from the rear view mirror of my Mustang for a reason.