well i'm in trouble with my family again. my extended family is very close. they're also extremely conservative, and mormon for the most part. this gets funny trust me. every year they all send out letters around christmas telling you about their little honor roll kids and how much they all love church and blah blah blah. it's annoying with no real substance. i've already been fighting with most of them this year about the election. amazing how many bigoted, homophobic, maniacs i'm related to. well i sent out my own version of a holiday update letter as a joke. you see if you're not married with kids and willing to bare testimony to the mormon church you're not supposed to send out a letter. i figured the one thing we all have in common is a love of sarcasm so this would be a joke. well i was wrong. here's my family update holiday email:
Well it's been a good year. i was kicked out of my house this summer and have been living on the streets. it was a blessing in disguise. i've met some people i would of never met if i wasn't a street person. people such as jesus ramirez another street guy who taught me that the chinese place throws their left over fried rice, and egg rolls out at midnight. it's not bad eating once you fight the rats away. i also met vicki, she's a sister of mercy. she let's me help on her jobs. her johns often will pay me $10 to act as a look out incase the cops come creeping by. it's not bad work and i get paid almost as much as her. vicki's also a street psychic. she carries around a ouija board and offer's readings to people where she tells them that they'll be robbed in the near future. she always right cause she robs their purses while the get their readings. she's a riot and she loves soup. then there's schlomo f packerman. he pay's me $100 to sit in a room with him while he sits behind a sheet calling me his pudgy little treat. it's weird. all i can see is his face and a lot of odd fidgeting but he pays cash and buys me dinner. these people have helped me adjust to my new freedom. i'd like to thank all of them from the bottom of my heart. i'm hard to pin down but if you'd like to find me i'll sleeping by the 24 hour laundromat. they have the vents for the dryers that blow out the sweet smell of fabric softener and hot air. it keeps me warm and masks my repulsive odor. this picture of me with my "all purpose" cup was taken by schlomo last week. he emailed it to me. i sneak into the library every week to try and keep up with friends and family, though i only have so long before some one complains about the smell and they kick me out. well i'd better run. dunkin donuts is about to throw out the 5 o'clock donuts. i like to get there before joey federico. he just goes in his pants. i don't know why he won't use an "all purpose" cup like the rest of us. it's hard to eat around his smell. blech. anyway i have to run. i see them coming to toss me out. i knew that lady was crinkling her nose at me. well happy holidays and happy new year.
jason spittle
now some people got it and thought it was funny or at least amusing. most were offended. i don't get it. anyhow i thought it was funny....
Well it's been a good year. i was kicked out of my house this summer and have been living on the streets. it was a blessing in disguise. i've met some people i would of never met if i wasn't a street person. people such as jesus ramirez another street guy who taught me that the chinese place throws their left over fried rice, and egg rolls out at midnight. it's not bad eating once you fight the rats away. i also met vicki, she's a sister of mercy. she let's me help on her jobs. her johns often will pay me $10 to act as a look out incase the cops come creeping by. it's not bad work and i get paid almost as much as her. vicki's also a street psychic. she carries around a ouija board and offer's readings to people where she tells them that they'll be robbed in the near future. she always right cause she robs their purses while the get their readings. she's a riot and she loves soup. then there's schlomo f packerman. he pay's me $100 to sit in a room with him while he sits behind a sheet calling me his pudgy little treat. it's weird. all i can see is his face and a lot of odd fidgeting but he pays cash and buys me dinner. these people have helped me adjust to my new freedom. i'd like to thank all of them from the bottom of my heart. i'm hard to pin down but if you'd like to find me i'll sleeping by the 24 hour laundromat. they have the vents for the dryers that blow out the sweet smell of fabric softener and hot air. it keeps me warm and masks my repulsive odor. this picture of me with my "all purpose" cup was taken by schlomo last week. he emailed it to me. i sneak into the library every week to try and keep up with friends and family, though i only have so long before some one complains about the smell and they kick me out. well i'd better run. dunkin donuts is about to throw out the 5 o'clock donuts. i like to get there before joey federico. he just goes in his pants. i don't know why he won't use an "all purpose" cup like the rest of us. it's hard to eat around his smell. blech. anyway i have to run. i see them coming to toss me out. i knew that lady was crinkling her nose at me. well happy holidays and happy new year.
jason spittle
now some people got it and thought it was funny or at least amusing. most were offended. i don't get it. anyhow i thought it was funny....
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Happy New Year