I have survived rehab, and I am now a sober person! As of today, I am 45 days sober, and I feel better than ever. All of my mental faculties have returned, my writer’s block has subsided. I am confident, I am well-versed, I am healthy, and I am BORED OUT OF MY GODDAM MIND. Doug Stanhope said it best recently, “If you can’t drink to have fun, that just means you have to have FUN to have fun.” How the hell does someone do that? I want my money back.
In rehab, they tell you to watch out for triggers. Triggers are everywhere! One of the most prevalent? Liquor commercials! You can’t swing a dead Norwegian without running across an advert for Jack Daniel’s new “Myeeehh” or Smirnoff’s hot new “Bweeehhh”. But you know what commercials you NEVER see? JAGERMEISTER. They don’t have to advertise. When you have a good product, people know it. But it hits you in wild ways. What would Jager commercials even be like? Here’s an idea! Imagine with me…
It’s the middle of the night in the city. 3 AM. A man stumbles out from the bushes. He’s wearing a suit, his face is covered in blood, and he is holding a single clear high heel. “….Did I just eat a stripper?!”
JAGER
Okay, how about another idea! Can you handle one more? Here we go!
In the suburbs, it’s the middle of the day. It’s Halloween season. There’s a guy, let’s say his name is Doug Vice. And the guy is making sweet love to a pumpkin and scaring all the children. “Hey! If it didn’t want it, then why was it smiling at me?!”
JAGER
Speaking of pumpkin rape, there’s one part of rehab I don’t miss. I wish there was some sort of age cutoff. As in a minimum age. Because first off, I wouldn’t be caught dead around these shitheads on the outside. No one wants to party with and get blasted around kids that still have hope in their lives and future. Some of these damn kids got on my nerves. Though, some of them had real problems. Understand, everyone, some of these poor 18-20 year olds were sex-starved for TWO WEEKS! OH MY GOD WHY, WHY!?!?
I spent a solid 10 minutes trying to talk down one kid from his post-rehab dream! He was going to do what he could to have sex with a girl confined to a wheelchair, IN her wheelchair! I had to use specific examples of why that’s a bad, shitawful idea. Because yea, I’ve done it. And it’s horrible. You’re having problems with weird angles, you're sandwiched between her ice-cold legs, she’s probably having problems with bladder control so you're trying not to slip and fall, and there are entirely too many moving metal parts where you need very much for them not to be. The whole thing is a nightmare. And you know the worst part? The worst part is that every one of you reading this is picturing me doing it! And if you weren’t, NOW YOU ARE!
NOW PICTURE YOUR DAD DOING IT! LETS PARTY!
My only substance problem was alcohol. That’s it. No drugs, and I’ve never even smoked. Not only that, but my history of wanton displays of uncontrolled boozery includes some weird dancing at a party and then some withdrawals at work. Bad news, but far from the stories you’ll hear from actual real-life addicts at AA meetings. I can’t do those meetings. I have nothing to contribute. I don’t have those insane stories that start with one shot of Capt Morgan too many, resulting in a “Reefer Madness”-esque downward spiral where I lose my job and my bitch ex takes the kids, and I eventually find myself on the Mexican border smuggling in truckloads of 13-year-old Cambodian hookers with a condom full of heroine shoved up my urethra to pay off a cartel debt. I have NO stories like that at all. So I can’t sit in on these AA meetings where some guy tells about how he did rails of crushed Adderall off of a midget strippers labia majora right before committing armed robbery at a convenience store wearing a Gumby costume. I’ll lean back and yell, “Haha, MY MAN! Someone buy that guy a dri…. Wait, awwww”
I never did drugs. Not for lack of desire, mainly for lack of availability. If I understand right, alcohol isn’t one of the best drugs there are. It’s not even in the top five, but it is a very convenient drug and I’m a fat lazy person of convenience just like everyone else in this country. If I wanted to try Meth, I wouldn’t even know where to start. But what if Meth and Alcohol’s roles were reversed? Before, if I knew I wouldn’t get fired immediately, I would DEFINITELY try Meth! I’d walk right into a Meth bar, go up to the dealer and order…. I don’t know, a large? Sure that sounds right. And I’m sure it’d be a bump of shitty weak FDA-approved government-subsidized bung-Meth, so don’t worry about me blowing dudes in the alley for Glass just yet. But what if drinking meant I would have to wait a few hours after a high school football game and drive/park outside of a Taco Bell nervous out of my mind, sweating my nuts off looking for cop cars in the rearview mirror, getting pissed off at my buddy Rick that’s not answering his voicemail until it’s 2 AM and he swings by long enough to drop off a 6-pack? No way, screw it, I’d never drink again, that’s entirely too much hassle.
Alcohol is convenient, and drugs are not IF you don’t already have a source. Some people have the wherewithal to go to a new location and find dealers in their greater metropolitan area. I sirs, do not. If I suddenly decided one day that I wanted to buy Cocaine, I wouldn’t have much to go on. I have no idea where to start. I’d have to resort to a Google search. I’d type in “ride the white pony Fayetteville NC”, and I would get a half dozen places that are absolutely stings with names like “We Have Free Drugs and TVs Fun Time Now!”, and one location with a name like “Uncle Slippy’s House of Tickles” in Wilmington. Okay yea, that one sounds like what I’m looking for. So now I’m doing a Google Maps search for directions between here and the 3rd creepiest place I’ve ever heard of. “Do you want to know the locations of Denny’s on the way?” Well shit, NOW I want a Denver Omelet also! Getting drugs are hard @#$%
What I’m really trying to say is that I wish I was Gay. I do! Being gay isn’t a choice, but if it was I’d flip that switch in a heartbeat. You mean I could be in a relationship with someone that interprets everything I say exactly how I wanted to say it? Are you kidding me? I mean the whole taking it in the ass part would suck. That’d definitely take some getting used to. But there has got to be something to it. These guys have PARADES! Can you believe that?? They have PARADES to celebrate their sexual preference! There’s no way you’ll ever see a parade for my sexual lifestyle, it’ll never happen. Mainly because you will never find that many lonely masturbators willing to admit their social failings long enough to come craft a series of floats of story-tall paper mache tissues and bottles of lotion large enough to shut down traffic for an afternoon. You’ll never find that many readily available fat nerds or trekkie fan fiction writers or happily married men. Siiiiggghhhh
Hey, last thing. Do you guys remember? Do you remember that one time I got all of you to picture your dad all bent down and hunched over, banging some broad in a wheelchair silly and getting peed on, mad because his ballsack is stuck between the left-wheel spokes and the handbrake, and they’re both covered in barbecue sauce for some reason?
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JAGER