I used to work at GameStop for a few holiday seasons. We had this one customer that'd come in. Middle-aged lady that loved to trash talk. We all loved her and joked around. One day, two days after we had a brand new manager on the floor, completely new to the area, she came in.
Her: Okay, I'm pissed off. This game sucks. And you...
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With my one and only baby niece, at my bro and SIL's apt...
Me: (normal voice) Sarah Mae! Hi pretty girl! Uncie Doug loves you so much!
Sarah: (squeeeeee)
SIL: Hey if you speak to her higher pitched, that makes her happier. Your lower voice isn't so great.
Me: Oh okay. So wait... if higher that's good, but lower, that's bad?
Mom: Well yea, I...
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Dad in car, we roll up back to house
Him: you gonna come inside for any reason before you take off for your job interview?
This is what I'm wearing
Me: .....no, I think I'm ready to go meet my new bosses
Who says I can't be over 30 and still add "and a half" to my age when it's time appropriate? Rules are for nerds!
How many Freudians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two. One to hold the ladder, and one to screw your mother. No! Father! OMG. LIGHT BULB
I'm so embarassed...
Him: My utilization of complex locution is more a reflection of my own superincumbent mental acuity than an aspersion on your circumscribed lexicon.
Me: k, bro
To all girls out here wearing Jean shorts and a bikini top: I appreciate it!
And I would appreciate it more if while typing I didn't realize most of you are actually over-developed 15 y/o's. My life rarely occurs in appropriate bounds.
YOUTHS!!
"I like being single. I have Tinder. I love Tinder. It's an application for the phone which gives you pictures of the opposite sex in the nearby area. If you don't like each other swipe left and if you do like each other swipe right. If you both like eachother open up a conversation then maybe you can meet up and get down to it....
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1. Lists
2. The number two
3. Endings
Harry Potter, summarized
Everyone: Harry, no
Harry: HARRY, YES
That moment when you start a song over because you forgot TO LISTEN TO THE SONG