hapworth

For the most part, I think I come off as a very open guy. I'll tell you a secret though... I'm very private. There are things I'll talk about, but I don't share the truth. I think comedy is in my life, because I can hide thing behind it. I've learned to avoid whole subjects, by presenting a wall of stories.

Now, one thing I joke about... sex... is something I'm VERY private about. I joke about this, that, and the other... but in all actuality, I don't share any actual details. To me it's a private subject, and it still blows my mind how frankly some people can approach the issue. How some people can just sit there and rattle off detail after detail of their 'sexcapades' is beyond me. What makes it even odder, is if you knew some of my friends. They are very open about themselves in this regard, but never seem to weasel one bit of truth out of me.

Now that we are through that part though, I want to discuss two things.

First of all, what the hell is everyone's obsession with masturbation?! I've lived alone now for several years. I don't know if this happens to other single people, but everytime I mention I was alone in the house, people assume I had to have been jerking off. What's up with that?!

A friend will ask me, "What did you do last night?" I'll reply, "Well, I didn't want to go out, so I made myself some dinner and then I watched a movie." To which they reply, "Huh .. huh.. Where you jerking off?!" I start to wonder, is something wrong with me? I'm not dying to 'whack-it' everytime I lock the front door. I have a feeling if some of you had your own place, you'd be hopping through the front door with your pants around your ankles, as to not waste a precious moment on lowering them.

"What did you do last night?"

"Nothing. I had a terrible headache. Stayed in."

"Oh. That's too, bad. Was it a migraine?"

"You know? Could be. I never had one before."

"Did you whack-it?"

"Um... pardon me?"

Ok, the second subject is sex. The actual deed. Why do you care if I did, or didn't have sex? I've dated several girls this year. Everytime (I don't care if it was a 2 hour lunch date) I get asked by someone, "Did you fuck her?".

It's so odd. I'm seeing someone now, and that's one of the first things asked of me. And not just by men... by women too. What's it to you? I hate talking about actual details of YOU doing it, why would I want to share stories of me? Why don't you go get a hobby? Might I suggest masturbating? Apparently, there is quite an underground scene going on. You should join it.

So, I don't know. I just had to get this stuff off my chest. I just want to keep certain things in my life private. What's wrong with that?