hannelore

So, I've been having a rather rough time of it lately.

My depression is becoming harder and harder I manage, and I started cutting myself again. It's not that I do it to kill myself or end it or whatever. I'm honestly not that sort of person, but the physical pain is the only thing that makes sense to me. This agony that I feel throughout the day, this emptiness, it's not real. I wouldn't feel like this if there wasn't something fucked up with my head, you know? But the other pain, the sharpness of each cut, that's real, that makes sense. I need something to make sense otherwise I'll go crazy. No one understands that, they think it's me trying to kill myself, to go away. But it's not. Maybe I sometimes feel like it would be better if I wasn't here, but I don't actually want to die.

And to top off this frequent feeling of worthlessness, I just broke up with my boyfriend and he's turned into this giant fucking cunt about it. Calling me names, saying I'm manipulative and a whore when I know for a fact I'm not. And maybe I shouldn't listen to what he says, but it's hard to not listen to someone you loved about yourself. I know he's hurting and just trying to get back at me, but I can't just accept that that's all it is. What if it is true, all the things he's saying to me? What if?

So I don't know what to do. I don't know how to be happy again. To be single. It's been so long since I was single, I'm a serial monogamist, how do people like me become happy with themselves? How?

Apparently by partying the Labor Day weekend away in a drunken stupor. Forgetting every harmful, toxic male and moving on with it. But once that weekend is over, once you're left alone with your own thoughts, you're empty again.

I want this emptiness to go away.