halstingdon

first of all, i just want to thank everyone who commented on my last journal entry for being so nice. it really really made my day. and DOBERMANN, you are my hero. thanks for looking out for me. and now on to the long rambling journal entry i promised. like any story worth telling, it's about a girl.

so, i met this girl amy during my junior year of high school. i was instantly smitten with her, cause she was beautiful, but she didn't look like anyone i had seen before. went to the same high school, and it turned out we had some mutual friends from another high school. she started dating my best friend, which was fine at the time, cause it was only a crush. they broke up after about two months of dating, and i didn't see her for a while. we still talked in school, but not too much. eventually, we ended up having the same free and lunch periods, so we started spending time together. we found out that we had some stuff in common and enjoyed each other's company. then came spring break. me, her, and two of our friends spent pretty much every waking hour of spring break together our senior year. it was pretty great, and i think that's the point where i started to realize it was a little more than a crush. so i'm working up the nerve to ask her out, but turns out, she ends up going out with another one of my friends. i'm a little crushed, but i see that she's happy, so i deal with it and figure it's what she wants. me and a group of friends, amy included, go to prom together, and fun is had. we then head to my friend's place in michigan for the weekend to just hang out. and i can't help but notice her boyfriend is ignoring her a lot.

we get home, and before you know it, it's summer. and before you know it, her boyfriend starts ignoring her even more. leaving spontaneaously for michigan without giving her so much as a day's notice, not paying attention to what she has to say, and they fight pretty frequently. she's pretty upset about the whole thing, which isn't surprising. and the whole time i'm thinking, "you deserve so much better. he doesn't even see you." and then, after one of the boyfriend's trips to michigan, he comes home and the three of us have the most awkward night of my life. we're all at amy's, sitting around. she's very pissed, he's clueless, and i'm stuck in the middle. then the argueing begins. i try not to take sides cause they're both good friends, but it's kind of obvious i'm on her side. then she pulls out his little black book, and inside the cover she finds a picture of his ex. at this point, i figured the relationship was over, but no. they continue going out into freshman year of college. freshman year, amy and i called each other all the time, what with the homesickness and the lack of new friends thing. i start to get over her, and things are looking better for me. but that didn't work out. and amy was there for me when i was sad. i think that over the course of the year i realised how much i really love her. during this year, they both see other people, but towards the end they decide to be a couple again. although, when amy gets home from school, you could see things aren't really the same. the two of them don't get along as much, and it's more and more awkward. there were so many times when i just wanted to tell her how much i loved her and what i would do to be with her, but she was going out with someone else, and i couldn't bring myself to tell her. towards the end of the summer, they break up. now's my chance, i figure. unfortunately, one night while we're talking, she says, "i can't wait to go back to school and not be attached to someone". so there went my plans. i decide to wait a while and see if she changes her mind. she goes off to school and i become more and more resolved. i'm going to tell her, but i have to do it in person. it's gotta be in person, cause it's a pretty huge deal. then about a week ago, before coming home for thanksgiving, i find out that she's seeing someone at school. we hung out together a couple times while she was home, and it's fairly obvious she really likes this guy. she talks about him a lot, and she seems really happy. and i know i should be happy for her, but it's really hard when i'm so miserable. and there you have it. two years. two years i've been in love with this girl, and i've never had the right opportunity to tell her. she has no idea how much i love her and what i'd do for her.

but now i can tell she doesn't feel the same. i doubt she ever will. and it really fucking hurts.


and as if that wasn't enough, my car died on me today. twice. so i'm without a car for god knows how long.


and oh yeah, my parents just told me that my mom is going in for tests tomorrow cause, guess what, she might have breast cancer.


fuck