hallandoatbran

People used to tell me that I reminded them of Lloyd Daubler. For those of you who don't know, that's the character played by John Cusack in the movie "Say Anything". I believed them. I mean, I was the guy in high school who went pretty well unnoticed by the ladies, the sensitive geeky sort. The hopeless romantic who wasn't afraid of putting his heart out there, even if that meant it might get stomped on. That was me.

My ex wife called me her Lloyd Daubler. Her favorite movie was Say Anything, and I knew that to be Lloyd was something huge. I did the crazy romatic gestures; when I proposed, I rented a movie theater and got an original copy of.... Say Anything. I didn't TRY to do that kind of stuff, I just did it. Just in my blood.

But when the marriage ended, I threw away my copy of Say Anything, and with it, Lloyd. I hated that I had been hurt so badly, that my heart had been stomped on. I vowed that I wasn't going to be that guy anymore. I was going to guard myself, restrain myself, protect myself, because I didn't think I'd survive another stomping like that.

And that's how it's been for the last year and a half. But tonight I saw Say Anything on tv, and watched it for the first time in years. And you know what? As much as I'd like to pretend that I'm not that guy anymore, as much as I'd like to be safe and unbroken, I realized that by denying the Lloyd in my life, I was denying myself.

It's who I am. I'm a giant hopelessly romantic sensitive geek. And I think I can embrace that again. Yeah, I may (and probably will) get hurt again. But you can't have elation without hurt. Lao Tse said "For a man to feel punctured he must first have been a bubble." I feel hurt, but that means that at one time, I was full of joy. And if I remained the pretend me, the guarded me, the protected me, I'm never going to feel full again.

I'm standing in the yard with a boombox over my head. Bring it on world.