warning, angst
SPOILERS! (Click to view)
I don't know what to do, which way I should turn.
I feel as if there is a savage beast rampaging around in my head, making my thoughts shrink against the jail wall quivering with shame and terror. They cower in a corner. There is no way to express what is so terrifying about this situation, my captor has never taught me to speak or communicate.
I'm caught in a juxtaposition of feelings, I both want to be entire and all perceiving and simultaneously hidden and subversive. The pressure of existence is becoming a little too much. I'm not as strong as I thought I was, the things that I once thought of as positive aspects of my personality have decayed and spoiled. I have learnt that they were transitionary things. What is left is a malformed, limping soul. It begs for emotional money and then squanders it on opium.
Slowly, the body of my feelings starts to waste, it carefully disguises how malnourished it is purely to get it's next fix of kindness or human contact. Self love or acceptance is a foreign concept. Pain is the only medium for communication.
When I address my feelings, they appear as obscenely gaudy clowns, abstract and frightening. They smell fetid and rotten. They elude me with smoke and mirrors, it is impossible to see outside the bonds of my box.
I'm saying this to try and be honest to myself, right now I am considering suicide. I am tired of hiding my feelings from the people I'm close to, I just can't stand my life at the moment. Every one of my hopes just turns into something sour. I'm not sure if I can carry on if this keeps on happening. The only thing I can be sure of is my own existence and perceptions. If they continue to be crushed and distorted, what's the point?
An argument against this is that I am only 18 years old, theoretically I have my whole life ahead of me. I'm just not sure that I want to keep finding out what comes next. The things that kept me going are fading and failing. I'm despreately trying to salvage them, but what once felt like a breath of fresh air, now stifles me. I can't rely on any kind of innner strength because it just waxes and wanes, it's never there when I need it. I end up descending into some hedonistic act, which only hurts the people around me.
None of this is said light-heartedly. At this very moment in time, I genuinely hate life. I do not want to exist, I feel twisted, wrong and ridiculous.
I can't actually believe I'm writing this, but, whatever.
I feel as if there is a savage beast rampaging around in my head, making my thoughts shrink against the jail wall quivering with shame and terror. They cower in a corner. There is no way to express what is so terrifying about this situation, my captor has never taught me to speak or communicate.
I'm caught in a juxtaposition of feelings, I both want to be entire and all perceiving and simultaneously hidden and subversive. The pressure of existence is becoming a little too much. I'm not as strong as I thought I was, the things that I once thought of as positive aspects of my personality have decayed and spoiled. I have learnt that they were transitionary things. What is left is a malformed, limping soul. It begs for emotional money and then squanders it on opium.
Slowly, the body of my feelings starts to waste, it carefully disguises how malnourished it is purely to get it's next fix of kindness or human contact. Self love or acceptance is a foreign concept. Pain is the only medium for communication.
When I address my feelings, they appear as obscenely gaudy clowns, abstract and frightening. They smell fetid and rotten. They elude me with smoke and mirrors, it is impossible to see outside the bonds of my box.
I'm saying this to try and be honest to myself, right now I am considering suicide. I am tired of hiding my feelings from the people I'm close to, I just can't stand my life at the moment. Every one of my hopes just turns into something sour. I'm not sure if I can carry on if this keeps on happening. The only thing I can be sure of is my own existence and perceptions. If they continue to be crushed and distorted, what's the point?
An argument against this is that I am only 18 years old, theoretically I have my whole life ahead of me. I'm just not sure that I want to keep finding out what comes next. The things that kept me going are fading and failing. I'm despreately trying to salvage them, but what once felt like a breath of fresh air, now stifles me. I can't rely on any kind of innner strength because it just waxes and wanes, it's never there when I need it. I end up descending into some hedonistic act, which only hurts the people around me.
None of this is said light-heartedly. At this very moment in time, I genuinely hate life. I do not want to exist, I feel twisted, wrong and ridiculous.
I can't actually believe I'm writing this, but, whatever.
EDIT
ok, enough of this moping, time to act.
VIEW 3 of 3 COMMENTS
Anyway, I do a lot of writing and thinking as well. I have places I go where there is no one else or if there is they can't see me. Like hiding in plain sight- in a tree in the bed of my truck etc.
Sometimes I surf the internet looking for new projects to do new ways to distroy things. I very rarely go to theme parks, but when I do, I find it to be a refreshing and exciting adveture. Like being a kid again except you see things in a different light. You also get to watch people. I do a lot of that as well. When I think I am the "only one" I go somewhere, with my music listening device and watch the people be natural...or completely unnatural. It's fun analyzing what they do and why they do it.
Again, these are very small adventures but it's a start. I am also in the military and am in Iraq right now so I've had a hell of alot of time to do some soul searching. I have a totally new perspective on the things I do and the people I love.
And then... it gets better. Okay, and it gets worse again. But the good is so good it's worth waiting for. So please don't do anything stupid. I promise you, it will get better.
That picture you posted intreguies me. If you get a moment, I'd love to hear a bit about it.