Friday, 12 May, 2006
11:06:04 AM
it's probably the rain - i'm sure it is the rain. whenever it rains, i get that dreary feeling. a foreboding, uneasy feeling. it's strange - i love the rain; and i especially love storms - but lately, and for the past several months, every time it rains, i have felt strange. out of body, as it were - as if i don't belong. i feel depressed. yeah, that must be it. you see, only when it rains do i truly think. now, i think all the time - i hardly stop thinking. but when i /truly/ think... think about things i've done. i don't know why. that's just the way it has happened, maybe out of coincidence. i was talking yesterday with a friend of mine; someone i've known since i was a child. we got to talking about sex - and how many people we've slept with. (it's a guy thing, ya know?) and he told me, six. he's slept with six women. that's a round number, not bad. but after he said that, i knew something was wrong. something was wrong /with me/. i told him - 22. just thinking about that now makes me sick. it honestly does. i don't like that number...i'd be happy with six. i'd be happy with one. but /twenty two/?! this has got to change. well, it can't change- but the number has to stay the same. until i'm married. twenty two is enough. but resolutions aside, the question still remains - why? why have i slept with 22 people? i wasn't sexually abused as a child. i did, however, have my first brush with sex at age six... but didn't actually have sex until eleven years later. (yeah, 22 girls in 4 years. i know, it's disgusting.) i have no idea why i have this desire...this... need. after having sex, i'll be fine for a couple of weeks. a few weeks afterward, i start to get an itch. if i let it be, and don't have sex, after a couple of months i'm completely out of my mind. perhaps it's just an addiction. like any other - cigarettes, drugs, alcohol - sex is my addiction; and having this much is unhealthy. from now on, and i know i'm contradicting myself here, but i'm just trying to be reasonable... from now on, i will be much, much more picky with whom i sleep with. just the other day, i slept with my neighbor, who is /mildly/ cute, and quite overweight. (and let's not forget 27.) i just feel gross. i feel like i need a soul shower. anyone have a bar of soul soap?
Tuesday, 02 May, 2006
5:34:44 PM
sarah is still pissed at me for telling her off the other day. she's trying to get me to feel bad about it. i dated her too long - i know what she's thinking. she brought devon up to me and had that "you're an asshole for making me do this" look on her face. so it prompted me to ask, "everything alright?" of course, she snapped back, "that /really/ hurt, carrying her up here, you know." i stood my ground. "yeah, you should have called or texted me or something." to which she replied, "you should have been keeping an eye out." i let her know i was cooking dinner, which was true, but inside i was thinking, /you know, if you were on time once in a while, i wouldn't HAVE to keep a lookout./ at this point in time, her and i only exist to one another. we aren't happy to talk to eachother, and definately aren't happy to see one another, and we definately don't like interaction beyond the necessity. it sucks for devon. that's for damn sure.
i can't complain enough about sarah's living accommidations for devon. sleeping in a crib, next to the front door... always in dirty clothes that smell awful... animals are allowed to free roam - it's disgusting. i give her a bath whenever i see her - so she doesn't smell like a sewer. when she gets here, her fingernails are completely black with dirt - dirt from off the floor that she's allowed to crawl around on. i'm sorry for ranting, but it just disgusts me.
ok. end rant. i signed up for my next class. having devon full time now makes it hard to make time for school - but i'm not quitting. i've worked way too fucking hard to quit now. i signed up for linux administration - and even managed to talk my brother in to taking it with me; which, if you know him, you would know that he spent 5 years in 5 different highschools, and has been against going to college due to god knows what reason. so those are both good news.
my car is kinda fixed. my brakes suck, i have no gas gauge, and my dashboard has no lights. it'll get me going until i get a job... speaking of which, i hope i get the job at the apple store. i put in an application today to be a repair guy. as long as it pays decent, i'll take it. nothing less than $10/hr. that would be a step backwards.
anywho, time to take care of devon. only so long the itunes vis can keep her occupied.
11:06:04 AM
it's probably the rain - i'm sure it is the rain. whenever it rains, i get that dreary feeling. a foreboding, uneasy feeling. it's strange - i love the rain; and i especially love storms - but lately, and for the past several months, every time it rains, i have felt strange. out of body, as it were - as if i don't belong. i feel depressed. yeah, that must be it. you see, only when it rains do i truly think. now, i think all the time - i hardly stop thinking. but when i /truly/ think... think about things i've done. i don't know why. that's just the way it has happened, maybe out of coincidence. i was talking yesterday with a friend of mine; someone i've known since i was a child. we got to talking about sex - and how many people we've slept with. (it's a guy thing, ya know?) and he told me, six. he's slept with six women. that's a round number, not bad. but after he said that, i knew something was wrong. something was wrong /with me/. i told him - 22. just thinking about that now makes me sick. it honestly does. i don't like that number...i'd be happy with six. i'd be happy with one. but /twenty two/?! this has got to change. well, it can't change- but the number has to stay the same. until i'm married. twenty two is enough. but resolutions aside, the question still remains - why? why have i slept with 22 people? i wasn't sexually abused as a child. i did, however, have my first brush with sex at age six... but didn't actually have sex until eleven years later. (yeah, 22 girls in 4 years. i know, it's disgusting.) i have no idea why i have this desire...this... need. after having sex, i'll be fine for a couple of weeks. a few weeks afterward, i start to get an itch. if i let it be, and don't have sex, after a couple of months i'm completely out of my mind. perhaps it's just an addiction. like any other - cigarettes, drugs, alcohol - sex is my addiction; and having this much is unhealthy. from now on, and i know i'm contradicting myself here, but i'm just trying to be reasonable... from now on, i will be much, much more picky with whom i sleep with. just the other day, i slept with my neighbor, who is /mildly/ cute, and quite overweight. (and let's not forget 27.) i just feel gross. i feel like i need a soul shower. anyone have a bar of soul soap?
Tuesday, 02 May, 2006
5:34:44 PM
sarah is still pissed at me for telling her off the other day. she's trying to get me to feel bad about it. i dated her too long - i know what she's thinking. she brought devon up to me and had that "you're an asshole for making me do this" look on her face. so it prompted me to ask, "everything alright?" of course, she snapped back, "that /really/ hurt, carrying her up here, you know." i stood my ground. "yeah, you should have called or texted me or something." to which she replied, "you should have been keeping an eye out." i let her know i was cooking dinner, which was true, but inside i was thinking, /you know, if you were on time once in a while, i wouldn't HAVE to keep a lookout./ at this point in time, her and i only exist to one another. we aren't happy to talk to eachother, and definately aren't happy to see one another, and we definately don't like interaction beyond the necessity. it sucks for devon. that's for damn sure.
i can't complain enough about sarah's living accommidations for devon. sleeping in a crib, next to the front door... always in dirty clothes that smell awful... animals are allowed to free roam - it's disgusting. i give her a bath whenever i see her - so she doesn't smell like a sewer. when she gets here, her fingernails are completely black with dirt - dirt from off the floor that she's allowed to crawl around on. i'm sorry for ranting, but it just disgusts me.
ok. end rant. i signed up for my next class. having devon full time now makes it hard to make time for school - but i'm not quitting. i've worked way too fucking hard to quit now. i signed up for linux administration - and even managed to talk my brother in to taking it with me; which, if you know him, you would know that he spent 5 years in 5 different highschools, and has been against going to college due to god knows what reason. so those are both good news.
my car is kinda fixed. my brakes suck, i have no gas gauge, and my dashboard has no lights. it'll get me going until i get a job... speaking of which, i hope i get the job at the apple store. i put in an application today to be a repair guy. as long as it pays decent, i'll take it. nothing less than $10/hr. that would be a step backwards.
anywho, time to take care of devon. only so long the itunes vis can keep her occupied.