This last year has been so full of growth for me to be completely honest, I had to learn to start loving Me.
I always thought I loved myself, I truly did. I turn every negative into a positive as fast as I can, I bust ass working multiple jobs, I reach almost ever goal I have set for myself, but I didn't love me. I loved the idea of what others viewed me as, strong, hardworking, pretty, skinny, smart, jill of all trades if you will.
In 2018 I hated myself all the way down to 105 lbs.. I was skin and bones, full-time momma working 12-14 hour stripper doubles 3 days per week, camming 9 hours per day 4 days a week, hardly eating, drinking 3-6 redbulls per day just to keep myself awake and at the peak energy to give all of my precious energy to others. I thought I had it figured out. Work so much that there is no such thing as free time. No snack times or moments to slow down, no missing the gym or not keeping myself up to the image of perfection I had thought was what made me beautiful or myself. This continued without fault, hardly sleeping, barely eating, pushing myself and anytime I felt like wavering I reminded myself how much I would hate me if I wasn't perfect. If I showed even the smallest bit of my struggle, if I gained that 5 lbs, if I chose to give in to that nasty cranky glutinous monster in my belly screaming at me "JUST EAT ALREADY".
It wasn't until I met @cygnet a year later that I finally started to see myself. She let me see myself through her lens, with her eyes. We shot my set Symmetree in the forest some where out on the edge of Seattle. After, we grabbed lunch together and this is where it all hit me. @cygnet is giving me small peaks at the photos we've just taken and all she can do for the better part of 5 minutes is tell me how much she loves the set we shot, and showers me with the most loving and empowering comments and compliments about more than just my body. She tells me about modeling tutorials she has made and how she has grown herself and improved, how she has loved herself and how she struggled. @cygnet made me feel so loved, accepted and safe, and I had only just met this inconceivably kind human, and she let me see myself.
I don't know what it was exactly or how it happened but I started eating more. All I did was meet this insanely kind human. All we did was talk and have lunch together. I to this day will never understand what happened or why @cygnet was the one who finally got through to me and in such an everyday kind of way.
Fast forward to a few months later and I'm post breast augmentation, healthier, eating, and guess what, I have another shoot with @cygnet only this time I also get to shoot with her best friend @zen as well , as if I wasn't already over the moon. I fly to Las Vegas, meet some rad ass women, have a kick ass time, get my sets shot and it's not until I am back home and I get my photo set from @zen that I am completely crushed. I hated every single picture. I wasn't as small as I had previously been. I had eaten, taken care of myself more, even made sure to hit the gym on my week days, but I did not know this woman staring back at me in these photos. She looked strong, healthy, happy, confident, so why did I hate these pictures so much?. I confided in @zen about the feelings and thoughts I was wrestling and again I was met with kindness and understanding. She suggested we put the set to the side and I give myself sometime, she supported what ever decision I made.
I was at such a loss for words. Why did I hate this set, why couldn't I see what @zen and even @cygnet saw in me?
I spent weeks, looking at this set every few days. Why couldn't I love the woman in the pictures. This was tearing me apart at the seams and the only solution I could fathom was posting one or two of the photos. I REFUSED to hate myself. I REFUSED to hide myself. I REFUSED to let my learned societal programming override this part of me, my being itself because mother fucker I was beautiful, I was finally healthy, I was finally happy, and if the rest of the world couldn't see that, well fuck them.
To my complete and shutter shock the few photos I posted took off in lovely comments and more likes than any previously posted photo. I had pushed passed all of my self hate and fear, I was proud of myself and finally, finally I could look at that confident, healthy, beautiful woman in the photos and see me. I wasn't scared anymore. I didn't need to be afraid of the world seeing a different me, as long as I could learn to love me so would others. I am still growing and learning to love myself each and everyday, through every trial and tribulation, its going to take time and patience, but i got this.
This community of not only strong but kind women has been so impactful and empowering in my life. It has helped me learn and grow, introduced me to some of my closest friends and most loved moments. Suicide Girls will forever be my family.
Thank you so very much @missy , @rambo , and @eirenne for all the hard work you do to keep this community running.
@cygnet and @zen words will never ever express how much you two mean to me and the impact you have had on my life.
I CANNOT wait for my latest set "Blue You A Kiss" to hit Member Review in a little over a month.
Thank you to each and everyone of you amazing humans who support and love me, you all mean the world to me.
xoxo , Hachi
P.S. Go see this amazingly happy and healthy body on my new sets Her Ass Meant shot by @cygnet & Snow Place Like Home shot by @darryldarko
