gypsygrrrl

again, the rotting from the inside out is happening in my head.
I am evil, pure evil and the worst of it is that I am conscious enough to actually see it.
what kind of horrible torture it is to not only be completely fucked in the head, but to have just enough sanity on the peripherals of your own mind machine to see your own lunacy unfold? but too moon-drenched to do anything about it...
fuck! i feel like hitting and kicking and screaming and taring my hair out.
I'm stuck in the fucking labyrinth with no compass or shoes. some wings would do me some good right now.

forgive my crassness, but I need a fuck. to clear my head and disconnect my body from my heart. and I need to stop fucking myself. seriously. it's just further driving me into lunacy. I look over to my left and I realize what a wickid manouver I have made. what was I thinking? what part of me have I been putting out there? am I really this scared of being unseen and unheard? I hate the attention but I love it too.but i hate it more. i really do need to disconnect. I fear I've delved way too deep under my own skin.

crawl beneath the surface of thine own skin
and surround self with self

and then what? let nobody in?
I was 16 when my mind barfed up that gem.
I think its time to grow up.

noemi, you need some sleep.

no sleep
too much blood loss
too much work
feminine chemical imbalance
turning 30
being horny
feeling young
being old
having desires that are much too grand for this circumstance that life has delt me.
I'm not a mother.
I just have no choice but to be one.
because I love this little guy too much to acknowledge that there is a choice. there's always a choice. but I choose to have none.

this week i think I need to step away from this wine-colored land of SG and work. and focus. and clear my head.