I'm very slightly miffed right now. I've been looking over my finances tonight and hoping that I could see myself moving out into a nice apartment in the near future. But it's not looking too well right now. I've seen that with the subtraction of my current bills, I will be coming up ~$110 short per month on the rent. And then if that's the case, I wouldn't be able to afford any furniture, or amenities, or much of anything for that matter. So, needless to say, this is fucking depressing! It leaves me very disturbed that I'm working two jobs and still can't seem to be able to provide a suitable place to live for my family. I 'm not really sure what I should be doing, I can't make my bills any lower, and it doesn't seem that I'll be much more able to bring more money in with my current jobs. But at Mike's I have great benefits that we will need desperately when the baby is born, But Moe's just doesn't pay enough to help me out too much. It's a definite help, but it's not getting me where I need to be. It makes me wonder how so many worse off people are able to pull it off. And it really makes me wish I was one of those lucky people who get whatever they want from mommy/daddy.
I have to be able to do this on my own, I cannot / will not rely on having a room mate. My lady and my baby are the only ones I want living there. I've seen many times that room mates will ALWAYS screw you over eventually. Even if they don't think of it that way. Besides, there's very few people I would trust living in my home with my family. And even fewer still that would be able to endure living with us. Just as well then, I value our privacy. I need to have my one day off a week, so maybe I can pick up some more hours when I find out my school schedule. And I know things will get more loose when the summer hits at Mike's. But I can't rely on that. I need to have something totally stable, then if I'm able to work more/make more at special times, then I'll be able to bank that as extra. I think so many people make bad decisions by thinking they're always gonna make that higher dollar amount. But that's not always the case. We have to be prepared to make things work in the rough. I should try and look into working in other departments at Mikes when the spring/summer rolls around so that I will have opportunities to make more money in the height of the riding season. hat would be awesome. I think the best way to make yourself more valued is to learn everything you can, while you can. Maybe I can talk to Sonya and see who I can talk to about this. I would rather not leave myself resigned to being a "misfit" in the grill. I feel as though I can be so much more. And when the times slow down, if they want me to, I can move back to the grill. It's basically what Stephanie will be doing. Maybe I can work in parts or service. That would be great. I know a lot more than people think I do, maybe it's because I don't let everyone know how much I know. I know that I'm not a mechanic or anything, but there's so much more I can do besides flipping burgers and getting pissed off at the lazy people I work with. I have to try. I owe it to my family to do the absolute best that I can.
Most times I see people thinking more of themselves that of their families, and that's just disturbing. I don't see how people can be so selfish to think that their decisions only affect them. Or that their random decisions to chase this ideal or that ideal can be done without consequence. Things must be better thought out so that it will benefit everyone. Some of the things that I've seen others do just make me see all the things that I should not be doing. And that's good, but since I wasn't gonna be doing them anyway, I just see a lot of stupid infighting and incompetence going around. They just need to realize that it's the children who suffer, and that they are the ones who are the problem. And on the other hand, I see someone like one of my best friends doing everything he can to provide for his family, and he takes it all like a champ. Of course he's not perfect, but he really deserves to be praised for his efforts. I think Paul is the best young father that I have ever seen, so he has set the bar pretty high for me to surpass, but I'm up to the challenge. I always wanted to be the perfect everything, so I guess I should start on those wishes. I promise in this year that I'll do everything I can to be the perfect husband and the perfect father. I know that no one / nothing is perfect, but if you don't strive for that higher level, you can't ever be the best. Obviously. Like I quoted earlier "You don't want girls to think you suck dick at fucking pussy..."
I've been thinking a lot lately about growth. I think that I've matured a lot as a person since graduating high school. I still remember when a certain someone tried to tell me (without actually telling me) that I was too immature and geeky to really be right. But I guess she also thought that I was a little dumb too. Obviously someone wearing an anime shirt and having a visible iPod is super immature. That used to prey on my mind. I couldn't figure out what was so wrong with me and how could I fix it. But I got over that real fast. I realized that I don't care, I am me. I choose to dress however suits me at the time, just as she, and I feign ignorance to things just to make everyone else feel better, but I just needed to stop that. People should have thoughts of superiority over me. Ever since getting with Susan I've learned a lot about be more about pleasing myself and the people who matter most. I'm never gonna say tat I've gotten mean, but I definitely give less of a fuck about what others think. I work have, dress nice, treat people nicely and try to be a good person. So if me-being-me offends you, then I suggest that you start fucking yourself. And you can tell everyone that I said that. I've shed almost all of my emotional insecurities away and I can truly express how I feel. Of course I won't be able to fully just blurt shit out without thinking about it, but I do know that I won't have times where I'm left without things to say for fear of how they will be taken.
I've seen that many things that I didn't like years ago are things that really appeal to me now. Just the same, things I used to think were great are things I don't really like as much. Has that happened to you lately. Kinda interesting to think about each thing. I think a good example would be that I used to have Outkast's "Speakerboxxx/The Love Below". I didn't really like "Speakerboxxx", and really loved "The Love Below". But now that I have it again, I find that the complete opposite is true. Funny how that happens, isn't it? You really should think about it. You may have grown/ changed more than you think you have. If not, then maybe it's about time you did. I know I have, I know Susan has, and that's what matters. So if you haven't grown up over the years, please go somewhere with that before coming near us. Because we're not the same people we were like seven years ago. Literally and figuratively.
I am so glad that we had this chance to dialog.
post script...
"We are the music makers, and we are the dreamers of dreams..."
p.s.s.
"Candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker"
I have to be able to do this on my own, I cannot / will not rely on having a room mate. My lady and my baby are the only ones I want living there. I've seen many times that room mates will ALWAYS screw you over eventually. Even if they don't think of it that way. Besides, there's very few people I would trust living in my home with my family. And even fewer still that would be able to endure living with us. Just as well then, I value our privacy. I need to have my one day off a week, so maybe I can pick up some more hours when I find out my school schedule. And I know things will get more loose when the summer hits at Mike's. But I can't rely on that. I need to have something totally stable, then if I'm able to work more/make more at special times, then I'll be able to bank that as extra. I think so many people make bad decisions by thinking they're always gonna make that higher dollar amount. But that's not always the case. We have to be prepared to make things work in the rough. I should try and look into working in other departments at Mikes when the spring/summer rolls around so that I will have opportunities to make more money in the height of the riding season. hat would be awesome. I think the best way to make yourself more valued is to learn everything you can, while you can. Maybe I can talk to Sonya and see who I can talk to about this. I would rather not leave myself resigned to being a "misfit" in the grill. I feel as though I can be so much more. And when the times slow down, if they want me to, I can move back to the grill. It's basically what Stephanie will be doing. Maybe I can work in parts or service. That would be great. I know a lot more than people think I do, maybe it's because I don't let everyone know how much I know. I know that I'm not a mechanic or anything, but there's so much more I can do besides flipping burgers and getting pissed off at the lazy people I work with. I have to try. I owe it to my family to do the absolute best that I can.
Most times I see people thinking more of themselves that of their families, and that's just disturbing. I don't see how people can be so selfish to think that their decisions only affect them. Or that their random decisions to chase this ideal or that ideal can be done without consequence. Things must be better thought out so that it will benefit everyone. Some of the things that I've seen others do just make me see all the things that I should not be doing. And that's good, but since I wasn't gonna be doing them anyway, I just see a lot of stupid infighting and incompetence going around. They just need to realize that it's the children who suffer, and that they are the ones who are the problem. And on the other hand, I see someone like one of my best friends doing everything he can to provide for his family, and he takes it all like a champ. Of course he's not perfect, but he really deserves to be praised for his efforts. I think Paul is the best young father that I have ever seen, so he has set the bar pretty high for me to surpass, but I'm up to the challenge. I always wanted to be the perfect everything, so I guess I should start on those wishes. I promise in this year that I'll do everything I can to be the perfect husband and the perfect father. I know that no one / nothing is perfect, but if you don't strive for that higher level, you can't ever be the best. Obviously. Like I quoted earlier "You don't want girls to think you suck dick at fucking pussy..."
I've been thinking a lot lately about growth. I think that I've matured a lot as a person since graduating high school. I still remember when a certain someone tried to tell me (without actually telling me) that I was too immature and geeky to really be right. But I guess she also thought that I was a little dumb too. Obviously someone wearing an anime shirt and having a visible iPod is super immature. That used to prey on my mind. I couldn't figure out what was so wrong with me and how could I fix it. But I got over that real fast. I realized that I don't care, I am me. I choose to dress however suits me at the time, just as she, and I feign ignorance to things just to make everyone else feel better, but I just needed to stop that. People should have thoughts of superiority over me. Ever since getting with Susan I've learned a lot about be more about pleasing myself and the people who matter most. I'm never gonna say tat I've gotten mean, but I definitely give less of a fuck about what others think. I work have, dress nice, treat people nicely and try to be a good person. So if me-being-me offends you, then I suggest that you start fucking yourself. And you can tell everyone that I said that. I've shed almost all of my emotional insecurities away and I can truly express how I feel. Of course I won't be able to fully just blurt shit out without thinking about it, but I do know that I won't have times where I'm left without things to say for fear of how they will be taken.
I've seen that many things that I didn't like years ago are things that really appeal to me now. Just the same, things I used to think were great are things I don't really like as much. Has that happened to you lately. Kinda interesting to think about each thing. I think a good example would be that I used to have Outkast's "Speakerboxxx/The Love Below". I didn't really like "Speakerboxxx", and really loved "The Love Below". But now that I have it again, I find that the complete opposite is true. Funny how that happens, isn't it? You really should think about it. You may have grown/ changed more than you think you have. If not, then maybe it's about time you did. I know I have, I know Susan has, and that's what matters. So if you haven't grown up over the years, please go somewhere with that before coming near us. Because we're not the same people we were like seven years ago. Literally and figuratively.
I am so glad that we had this chance to dialog.
post script...
"We are the music makers, and we are the dreamers of dreams..."
p.s.s.
"Candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker"
Could you look into a different apartment complex possibly? I know that there are several places in the area that are cheaper. Can Susan contribute anything to that? I know that she'll be out of work for like three months but that might be helpful as well before and after. Also I don't know what kind of school you're going to, or if this is an option for any of your courses, but what about trying to do online classes? That would free up more work hours and you could just do the work in your down time instead of actually having to have the physical time off to go to class? Just some thoughts. ^.^
BTW Never let anyone tell you that you are immature. You aren't immature you're just still fun. They are old people.