"Behind this mask there is more than just flesh, there is an idea, and ideas are bulletproof"
"Lately I've been thinking, and thinking always gets me into trouble. But since I have a double personality, it wasn't me, you see." I've been thinking lately about myself. I've been looking at who I am as a person, looking at the core of what I truly believe I am. I've been thinking that there are a lot of things that I want to be, and there are a lot of things that I do not want to be. There a many things that I should have become over the last few years, and then there are the things that I did become. I wish that I could say that I have made more of myself than i have, but I can say that I have not made myself into someone I hate. That may seem rediculous to some of you, but I realized tonight that, at one point in my life, I had a weakened mind, and a crushed soul. Basically, I let myself get taken advantage of repeatedly. I may still be letting that happen, I don't know, but I doubt it very much. It is a shame, but to protect myself I have come to really disturst 90% of the people that I know. I have very few people that I can really believe in (Mark, Maria, Paul, Nicole, etc.... you know who you are...). I know that they are people who I can trust, whether they trust me is a story all in itself. All I know is that I see myself, and I'm not completely satisfied. I don't know if that is good or bad. I think it is good because I can see my faults for what they are, but I think it's bad because I'm not sure if I'm actually gonna change them, or just complain about them. There have been so many times that i've seen problems with myself and set out to change them, and a couple of days later, they were out of my head. I hate that about myself, recently, the only thing I've been able to keep in my head is Mandy. Just like tomorrow, I need to at least change my oil and rotate my tires... will I do it? Probably not... why? I'll be too tired to wake up in the morning and sleep till almost time to work. WHY THE FUCK DO I DO THIS!?!? Why do I stick to a routine that I've hated for years? Well, at least I know that I have goals. Some people don't even have those. I need help, I need help badly. I've been stuck in a rut for years, and I can't get out.... I need.... a bullentin board! That probably would solve all of my problems, that awesome board of cork! Organizational skills are a must!!! Yeah! It's amazing how switching music can focus me and make me feel better. That, and the caffiene in this Coca Cola Classic I happen to have started drinking.
I"m sorry, i had my 10 minutes of depression that i get every like 10 months. Now I just wish I would either go to sleep, or the clock would change the time to 3pm. That would be nice, then I'd be ok.
MUSIC = GOD
What's wierd, is right now, I am listening to Slipknot's second album. I have not listened to this CD since 2002. Not even looked at it. I remember that I was so much into this shit that I would listen to it non-stop. But I hear it, and I know that it's not who i am anymore, I used to want the slipknot uniform, and me and Shawn used to share his Slipknot hoodie. But that not who i am anymore, that would be really wierd now. I'm glad that'sover with, I'm a lot more laid-back now. Not to mention, I actually have hair now. :-) But, it's nice to reminice on this past, especially with the springtime air. I get sentimental when it's warm and sunny. I'm actually starting to like this damn CD again. I doubt I'll listen to it too much more after tonight, but hey, that's cool.
Where the hell was I going with this????????????????????????????????
Oh!
I was originally supposed to write about how I have been slowly changing my appearance. (anyone notice) (of course not) I've been doing this for years, but it wasn't supposed to take this long (thank you, you asshole). I got held up, but no longer. After a couple of debts are paid, and can start to do all this fun things I've wanted to do, like buy new clothes! I can get back to those earthtones I love so much. (I should have been a fashion designer) "Nobody wears dungarees anymore, so I did what any sensible farmer would do, I switched crops!" "What?! Soybeans..." But i don't want to spend a lot of money. Hell, you may even see me wearing green, I always wanted to wear green... and more metal (wink wink, nudge nudge). Ink is always good. Mark said he'll go with me when I get my next tatt. I just need to find a good picture.
Speaking of which, I got Lilly to say tattoo sort of. She actually said "attoo" but that's close enough, she's like 4 months old, and starting to learn how to talk. That's bad-ass!!! That's because Mark is a GENETIC JACKHAMMER!!!!
I think that this post has went all over the place, but it makes sense to me, since I've been writing it for the last hour. But I'll probably stop now, I'm probably gonna sleep now. I want to go to the gym in the morning. And change my oil. Will i do it?...
STAY TUNED FOR MORE.... TALES OF INTEREST!!!
"Lately I've been thinking, and thinking always gets me into trouble. But since I have a double personality, it wasn't me, you see." I've been thinking lately about myself. I've been looking at who I am as a person, looking at the core of what I truly believe I am. I've been thinking that there are a lot of things that I want to be, and there are a lot of things that I do not want to be. There a many things that I should have become over the last few years, and then there are the things that I did become. I wish that I could say that I have made more of myself than i have, but I can say that I have not made myself into someone I hate. That may seem rediculous to some of you, but I realized tonight that, at one point in my life, I had a weakened mind, and a crushed soul. Basically, I let myself get taken advantage of repeatedly. I may still be letting that happen, I don't know, but I doubt it very much. It is a shame, but to protect myself I have come to really disturst 90% of the people that I know. I have very few people that I can really believe in (Mark, Maria, Paul, Nicole, etc.... you know who you are...). I know that they are people who I can trust, whether they trust me is a story all in itself. All I know is that I see myself, and I'm not completely satisfied. I don't know if that is good or bad. I think it is good because I can see my faults for what they are, but I think it's bad because I'm not sure if I'm actually gonna change them, or just complain about them. There have been so many times that i've seen problems with myself and set out to change them, and a couple of days later, they were out of my head. I hate that about myself, recently, the only thing I've been able to keep in my head is Mandy. Just like tomorrow, I need to at least change my oil and rotate my tires... will I do it? Probably not... why? I'll be too tired to wake up in the morning and sleep till almost time to work. WHY THE FUCK DO I DO THIS!?!? Why do I stick to a routine that I've hated for years? Well, at least I know that I have goals. Some people don't even have those. I need help, I need help badly. I've been stuck in a rut for years, and I can't get out.... I need.... a bullentin board! That probably would solve all of my problems, that awesome board of cork! Organizational skills are a must!!! Yeah! It's amazing how switching music can focus me and make me feel better. That, and the caffiene in this Coca Cola Classic I happen to have started drinking.
I"m sorry, i had my 10 minutes of depression that i get every like 10 months. Now I just wish I would either go to sleep, or the clock would change the time to 3pm. That would be nice, then I'd be ok.
MUSIC = GOD
What's wierd, is right now, I am listening to Slipknot's second album. I have not listened to this CD since 2002. Not even looked at it. I remember that I was so much into this shit that I would listen to it non-stop. But I hear it, and I know that it's not who i am anymore, I used to want the slipknot uniform, and me and Shawn used to share his Slipknot hoodie. But that not who i am anymore, that would be really wierd now. I'm glad that'sover with, I'm a lot more laid-back now. Not to mention, I actually have hair now. :-) But, it's nice to reminice on this past, especially with the springtime air. I get sentimental when it's warm and sunny. I'm actually starting to like this damn CD again. I doubt I'll listen to it too much more after tonight, but hey, that's cool.
Where the hell was I going with this????????????????????????????????
Oh!
I was originally supposed to write about how I have been slowly changing my appearance. (anyone notice) (of course not) I've been doing this for years, but it wasn't supposed to take this long (thank you, you asshole). I got held up, but no longer. After a couple of debts are paid, and can start to do all this fun things I've wanted to do, like buy new clothes! I can get back to those earthtones I love so much. (I should have been a fashion designer) "Nobody wears dungarees anymore, so I did what any sensible farmer would do, I switched crops!" "What?! Soybeans..." But i don't want to spend a lot of money. Hell, you may even see me wearing green, I always wanted to wear green... and more metal (wink wink, nudge nudge). Ink is always good. Mark said he'll go with me when I get my next tatt. I just need to find a good picture.
Speaking of which, I got Lilly to say tattoo sort of. She actually said "attoo" but that's close enough, she's like 4 months old, and starting to learn how to talk. That's bad-ass!!! That's because Mark is a GENETIC JACKHAMMER!!!!
I think that this post has went all over the place, but it makes sense to me, since I've been writing it for the last hour. But I'll probably stop now, I'm probably gonna sleep now. I want to go to the gym in the morning. And change my oil. Will i do it?...
STAY TUNED FOR MORE.... TALES OF INTEREST!!!
onesandzeros:
I do the same thing, find a cd I used to listen to non-stop a few years back, and realize it's just not appealing to who I am anymore.