New Rule: The rest of the world can go back to being completely jealous of America.
Our majority-white country just freely elected a black president, something no other democracy has ever done. Take that, Canada! Where's your Nubian warrior president? Your head of state is a boring white dude named Stephen Harper... and mine is a kick ass black ninja named Barack Hussein Obama!
That's right, everybody, I take back every bad thing I ever said about the good old USA! I've gone from "God damn America" to "God damn, America!" I feel like a hockey mom at the state fair getting felt up by Hank Williams, Jr. while fireworks go off and Jesus appears in my cotton candy. It would be stupid not to be stupid about it!
So I'd like to take this moment, when we finally got one right, to bask in a little unwarranted, unapologetic, irrational faux patriotism... or as Fox News calls it, "regular programming".
Now I might regret this, it's kind of like going grocery shopping when you're high, but here goes, world:
We're Americans. We built the Golden Gate Bridge and Hoover Dam and Joan Rivers. We're the only country that can look at a sandwich made of ice cream and chocolate cookies, covered in fudge and think, "Huh, ya think we could fry that?"
And you know what? YES WE CAN!
They may have 72 virgins, but we have 31 flavors! You know what our favorite burger topping is? Another burger!
We invented rock and roll, jazz, funk, r&b, and hip hop. Without our music, your iPods would be filled with ABBA, Menudo and Men At Work! And you wouldn't have iPods! Not only did we create the internet, we're the ones who filled it up with porn!
Jefferson lived here, and Miles Davis, and Mark Twain and Frank Lloyd Wright and a lot of other people Sarah Palin never heard of! In America, strippers and Disney stars have an equal right to be named Hannah Montana, and I was freely able to make a movie saying there's no afterlife and you could watch it while eating crap that'll kill you! But that's okay because our corn-fed high school sophomores are bigger than your soldiers, and they're better armed!
I ask you: In what other nation would they tax young people to make sure old people can afford erections?
What you call "football" we call "soccer", and what you call "war crimes" we call "football".
So let me just say it again: We elected a black guy, and it was because he was the best candidate, not because it was some cheap gimmick (and we should know, because we're also the country that invented cheap gimmicks!)
Yes, America is like Jessica Simpson: Sometimes it's so stupid it embarrasses you... but on the other hand, how about them titties!
Bill Maher
Rough week for Justin, I think I'm gonna have to quit taking this medicine. It's giving me bad headaches, makes my muscles really sore, and it's making me bitchy!! I've blown up on several people now, and for less than good reasons. I can't function like this, I try to work on something and my hands shake so badly that I can barely operate a screwdriver.
While I'm bitching...
I've been do the driver's license office three times now to take the test to finally get the motorcycle endorsement on my license, and each time they've told me that they were either too busy or that they were closing early. That's no way to run a beaurocracy!
This is interesting: Somebody I actually didn't hate in high school got ahold of me on Facebook, and it's finally made me curious as to who else is online that I might know. I haven't been to either my ten or twenty year reunions because if I didn't like those fucking people the first time around, I doubt I'll like them any better now. That said, it's interesting to go back down memory lane, and I even dug out a bunch of old negatives and scanned them.
Behold! It's 1986 and you can see that my tonsils have been removed!
They're actually not very heavy at all. The main body of them is a very thing silver that is just folded over. The heaviest part is the actual hook.