I don’t want to fall asleep or let myself be the person with dark thoughts or let the dark part of my self take over how I am feeling. I am scared to let that side of me take control of how I am thinking and feeling. It is almost as if I am scared of the side of myself that has negative, critical and controlling thoughts. It is why I am currently struggling with sleep as once the dark thoughts and negativity takes over it is hard for me to bring myself back to a good place. Interaction with the outside world seems to bring me back to being a normal functioning person who enjoys life, enjoys being a father and wants to have a happy life. But these wishes and enjoyment disappear once I can feel a darker side come into my thoughts. It doesn’t take long before I keep telling myself how useless, worthless and alienated from the world I really am. These thoughts continue over and over again until it becomes unbearable. I feel like I am in a boxing ring with this side of me where every morning I wake up as the positive version wondering what happened and why am i feeling beaten up internally yet again. I know that person will come back again so I need to try and prepare myself for another onslaught.
