grenade

I just need to heal.


I think I have been in this place for too long.
I think I have sunk too far into this hole.

Can I admit it without feeling fear?
I spend so much time dieting, dwelling on my flaws, spending so much time in the mirror angry with myself.

I am so tired sometimes and so sick. I have continuously focused on being a certain weight that I have ignored my nutrition.
Why does this always happen to me? I remember running just because I could, I remember when I could lift weights and work hard because it was fun, I remember being healthy and physically fit.
I hate dieting, It only makes me feel happy because my brain pumps endorphins to ease the suffering of starving.

What the fuck? My body is cannibalising itself.

Ah. I just want to feel happy, I just want to feel good again. No more being tired, no more malnutrition.

This is the summer of healing and nurturing.


I think this summer instead of concentrating on body image, Im going to really try to heal, I think Im going to get real help.
I believe the source of these ill habits are from a lack of self esteem.

Childhood pains and teenage hood has left a sense of disruption in my emotional and mental well being.
Being abandoned and being neglected so much as a small child has no doubt left some scars, my first love was also very toxic and destructive to my physical, mental and emotional being.

I find that I can be more so self destructive, I instead hate myself rather than hate others.
I have to get out of this habit of hurting myself, I need to focus on more important things.
I understand that beauty isn't everything, it's not about being beautiful in the end, it's just about me trying to accept myself, I'm trying to love myself as much as I love other people.
I feel like it doesn't matter if Im beautiful or not at all, i just want to be happy being in my skin, I just want to have happy and healthy thoughts.

Sunshine, you are my sunshine.

I have decided to go back to school.
I really want to get into nutrition, herbs and healing the human body.
Some day it would be nice to be able to help people like myself, Maybe I could help ease they're suffering too

Promoting a healthy balance of the mind and body would be a wonderful thing to do.
When you are in a healthy and happy state of mind it makes it easier to live and learn and grow.
This summer will be a time for me to heal and when the fall comes I will be ready to continue my education and hopefully continue with my goals.

Wish me luck dears! <3