DinoJesus (sometimes called Raptor Jesus, and known as Lizard Jesus to the Orthodox Church) roamed the Earth circa 90,000,000,000-65,000,000,000 BC, long before the days of the actual Jesus. He lived back in the day when God Himself was still only a teenager.
During the Mezozoic Era, God was going through kind of a lizard phase. Rather than making beings in his own image, he populated entirely with lizard. Not the lame, uncool lizards of our time, but super awesome, super cool dinosaurs! Known to themselves as the LiZords, Dinosaurs kept no written record, so we didn't learn their real name until modern technology made it possible for us to read their fossilized minds. At first, the LiZords rampaged around at will, eating each other, stepping on shit, and generally wrecking up the place. God was forced to intervene when His mother, Godzilla, found out about the world He had created, and orderd him to "clean up this mess before your father gets home."
Unwilling to enter his world and change things himself, God created DinoJesus. DinoJesus's primary role on Earth was to convert the LiZords from the paganistic theory of Evolution, and foster a new belief in Intelligent Design. Opponents of his theory viciously attacked him, condemning him and his followers to extinction. God had originally intended DinoJesus to simply preach to his fellow LiZords, but it soon became apparent that more persuasive methods would need to be applied. In order to impress the LiZords, God granted DinoJesus the ability to perform miracles.
Soon an angry mob of Saadom citizens attacked DinoJesus and pulled off his tail. DinoJesus impressed them all as he regrew another one, then proceeded to heal any others who had lost a tail. DinoJesus then broke up the mob by picking out individuals and mentioning ways he knew them until every member of the mob became too ashamed to do any more to harm him.
Soon everyone grew to love DinoJesus and he became a star athlete. He won every competition he entered. Most impressive was his swimming performances. DinoJesus used his ability to walk on water to his advantage, running across the surface of the water rather than actually swimming.
By his early twenties, God became bored with lizards. He had found a new passion: mammals. He wiped out the dinosaurs with a breed of super mammals he had created, smashed the earth with a giant asteroid, and started over. That's how the world came to be as we know it today.
A film depicting the last days of DinoJesus was produced on May 19, 2005. It was a critical and financial failure, due in part to its negative depiction of dramatic climate change.
copied from uncyclopedia.org
During the Mezozoic Era, God was going through kind of a lizard phase. Rather than making beings in his own image, he populated entirely with lizard. Not the lame, uncool lizards of our time, but super awesome, super cool dinosaurs! Known to themselves as the LiZords, Dinosaurs kept no written record, so we didn't learn their real name until modern technology made it possible for us to read their fossilized minds. At first, the LiZords rampaged around at will, eating each other, stepping on shit, and generally wrecking up the place. God was forced to intervene when His mother, Godzilla, found out about the world He had created, and orderd him to "clean up this mess before your father gets home."
Unwilling to enter his world and change things himself, God created DinoJesus. DinoJesus's primary role on Earth was to convert the LiZords from the paganistic theory of Evolution, and foster a new belief in Intelligent Design. Opponents of his theory viciously attacked him, condemning him and his followers to extinction. God had originally intended DinoJesus to simply preach to his fellow LiZords, but it soon became apparent that more persuasive methods would need to be applied. In order to impress the LiZords, God granted DinoJesus the ability to perform miracles.
Soon an angry mob of Saadom citizens attacked DinoJesus and pulled off his tail. DinoJesus impressed them all as he regrew another one, then proceeded to heal any others who had lost a tail. DinoJesus then broke up the mob by picking out individuals and mentioning ways he knew them until every member of the mob became too ashamed to do any more to harm him.
Soon everyone grew to love DinoJesus and he became a star athlete. He won every competition he entered. Most impressive was his swimming performances. DinoJesus used his ability to walk on water to his advantage, running across the surface of the water rather than actually swimming.
By his early twenties, God became bored with lizards. He had found a new passion: mammals. He wiped out the dinosaurs with a breed of super mammals he had created, smashed the earth with a giant asteroid, and started over. That's how the world came to be as we know it today.
A film depicting the last days of DinoJesus was produced on May 19, 2005. It was a critical and financial failure, due in part to its negative depiction of dramatic climate change.
copied from uncyclopedia.org
jacquesdemolay:
that.....that's a hell of a thing
jacquesdemolay:
You heard about the new girl, I think. Alex, she works at Legacy. I swear I had started lightweight seeing her while you were in town.