Warning very long journal entry ahead.
Roughly two months ago I was in a very dire place emotionally. I had such huge dreams for my return to California. I figured I would return to my old job, make some huge money and prosper. I never dreamed that after 3 months, I would still be jobless, living on couches, have my truck get repoed and be arrested.
To be honest it felt as if my world had caved in. I felt like such a failure. I put in over 100 applications and had one interview. That one job offer was nixed when I talked of the details of my arrest.
My self esteem was at an all time low and the stress of court and rising bills along with facing jail time.....was too much to bear.
For many weeks I seriously thought of ending my life. It consumed my daily thoughts. I was tired both emotionally and physically. I even at one point thought it would be safer to just admit my self to the mental hospital. I feared that if I didn't, I wouldn't live much longer.
One night, while sleeping in my truck, I was pretty sure I was going to end it. It was about 1 am, I stopped and grabbed some cheap but strong booze and I had a handfull of pills that I took from my mom. The plan was to get wasted and leap from an overpass.
As I sat there with tears in my eyes at the parking lot adjacent to the bridge, I gazed at my phone. I had an AIM message and tho I didn't feel much like talking, I did.
Without saying what was actually going on , I told them I was at my wits end. They of course, told me I was loved and awesome and should keep fighting. To be honest...it didn't really change my mind....but, it made me think. It made me think of those I would be leaving behind. How cruel it would be to do to friends whose only fault was loving me.
They say that right before you die, your life flashes before your eyes. It is true, because every hug, kiss, laugh and tear played out like a movie in my head. I saw the first time I played on stage and saw people in the crowd singing my song. I saw my first lil league home run. I saw the first time I saw Tues at the airport in Chicago. I saw all the good times in Wisconsin. And then, I saw the pain. The pain on the faces of my friends as they learned of my death. I felt the guilt of "if only I'd have known" and then I thought of two friends battling cancer and I felt like an asshole. My problems seem so meek in comparison and yet here I am, ready to end it all. I opened the bottle and took a drink, then turned on my ipod to drown out my tears.. The first song to play was a song that Tues used to sing at Karoke called "Stay". I remebered how proud I was when she got up to sing it for the first time. At that moment, the song took on a whole new meaning and lyric. As I heard Tues singin
"Baby why don't you stay
I'm so tired of being lonely
Don't I give you what you need
When life tells you to go
There is one thing you should know
It don't have to end this way
Why don't you stay"
I got on my knees and cried out to God " I CAN'T FUCKING DO THIS ALONE!!!"
Now those that know me, also know that I am not very religious. But at that moment I knew everything was going to be ok. I knew that no matter what happens my friends will be there to lean on. And in my darkest hour, there they were telling me to stay. I got back in my truck and cried myself to sleep. But this time I was crying from the overwhelming feeling of love that my friends provide me. Even when they are not physically there to pick me up, there they are in spirit.
I never spoke to anyone of this until now.
I just wanted you to know, that I owe you guys my life.
My Sacto friends have been amazing and I love you for it.
My SG friends far and wide as well have been intrumental in getting me through this.
And while I still have quite the struggle ahead of me. I have a new sense of determination to climb out of this dark hole and get my life back.
To you, my friends....I thank you, from the bottom of my heart for ALL you do for me. Be it, money, drinks, an awesome weekend, place to sleep or an ear to listen. I thank you. Words will never fully express my gratitude.
Roughly two months ago I was in a very dire place emotionally. I had such huge dreams for my return to California. I figured I would return to my old job, make some huge money and prosper. I never dreamed that after 3 months, I would still be jobless, living on couches, have my truck get repoed and be arrested.
To be honest it felt as if my world had caved in. I felt like such a failure. I put in over 100 applications and had one interview. That one job offer was nixed when I talked of the details of my arrest.
My self esteem was at an all time low and the stress of court and rising bills along with facing jail time.....was too much to bear.
For many weeks I seriously thought of ending my life. It consumed my daily thoughts. I was tired both emotionally and physically. I even at one point thought it would be safer to just admit my self to the mental hospital. I feared that if I didn't, I wouldn't live much longer.
One night, while sleeping in my truck, I was pretty sure I was going to end it. It was about 1 am, I stopped and grabbed some cheap but strong booze and I had a handfull of pills that I took from my mom. The plan was to get wasted and leap from an overpass.
As I sat there with tears in my eyes at the parking lot adjacent to the bridge, I gazed at my phone. I had an AIM message and tho I didn't feel much like talking, I did.
Without saying what was actually going on , I told them I was at my wits end. They of course, told me I was loved and awesome and should keep fighting. To be honest...it didn't really change my mind....but, it made me think. It made me think of those I would be leaving behind. How cruel it would be to do to friends whose only fault was loving me.
They say that right before you die, your life flashes before your eyes. It is true, because every hug, kiss, laugh and tear played out like a movie in my head. I saw the first time I played on stage and saw people in the crowd singing my song. I saw my first lil league home run. I saw the first time I saw Tues at the airport in Chicago. I saw all the good times in Wisconsin. And then, I saw the pain. The pain on the faces of my friends as they learned of my death. I felt the guilt of "if only I'd have known" and then I thought of two friends battling cancer and I felt like an asshole. My problems seem so meek in comparison and yet here I am, ready to end it all. I opened the bottle and took a drink, then turned on my ipod to drown out my tears.. The first song to play was a song that Tues used to sing at Karoke called "Stay". I remebered how proud I was when she got up to sing it for the first time. At that moment, the song took on a whole new meaning and lyric. As I heard Tues singin
"Baby why don't you stay
I'm so tired of being lonely
Don't I give you what you need
When life tells you to go
There is one thing you should know
It don't have to end this way
Why don't you stay"
I got on my knees and cried out to God " I CAN'T FUCKING DO THIS ALONE!!!"
Now those that know me, also know that I am not very religious. But at that moment I knew everything was going to be ok. I knew that no matter what happens my friends will be there to lean on. And in my darkest hour, there they were telling me to stay. I got back in my truck and cried myself to sleep. But this time I was crying from the overwhelming feeling of love that my friends provide me. Even when they are not physically there to pick me up, there they are in spirit.
I never spoke to anyone of this until now.
I just wanted you to know, that I owe you guys my life.
My Sacto friends have been amazing and I love you for it.
My SG friends far and wide as well have been intrumental in getting me through this.
And while I still have quite the struggle ahead of me. I have a new sense of determination to climb out of this dark hole and get my life back.
To you, my friends....I thank you, from the bottom of my heart for ALL you do for me. Be it, money, drinks, an awesome weekend, place to sleep or an ear to listen. I thank you. Words will never fully express my gratitude.
VIEW 17 of 17 COMMENTS
...but with bacon.
i'm sorry for the pain and struggle you are going through, but i want you to know, that im going through the same.
if you ever need someone who knows exactly what youre going through, please call me. i love you and will always answer your calls.
and yea, i feel like my problems pale in comparision to others, but you know what..theyre huge to me and theyre huge to you and frankly thats all that matters.
i love you and always will, no matter what. you are my friend and you mean the world to me <5
and even though i cried while reading this and while responding i somehow feel better....i hope you do to
p.s.
pick one
So, it's sad this doesn't suit you now.
And me fresh out of rope...
Please ignore the lisp, I never meant to sound like this.
So take me and break me and make me strong like you.
I'll be forever grateful to this and you.
It's only you, beautiful.
Or I don't want anyone.
If I can choose it's only you.
Fix me to a chain around your neck and wear me like a nickel.
Even new wine served in old skins cheapens the taste.
I shot the pilot, now I'm begging you to fly this for me.
I'm here for you to use, broken and bruised.
Do you understand?
It's only you, beautiful.
Or I don't want anyone.
If I can choose, it's only you.
But how could I miscalculate...
perfect eyes will have perfect aim.
If I can choose, it's only you.
"we're wrecking" and I'm dry like a drum, when you scream so fine I'll leave.
We're stranded, we've got time and trials, measured in miles. We slave for days (and weeks).
It's only you, beautiful.
Or I don't want anyone.
If I can choose.
It's only you.
But how could I miscalculate...
perfect lies from a perfect dame.
If I can choose... it's only you
well i talk
Too much
To myself
And i turn my back on my faith
It's like glass
When we Break
I wish no one in my place
and i've seen
you don't need their seeds
when the cut goes in deep
and i'm lost in sleep
i can't stay
in this place
i can't stand
when the room turns round
on my fate
you give no guarantees
there's no promise
i can keep
i can't stand
i can't see my way
i feel blind
on my feet
i can't stay too long
am i wrong?
goodbye, lay the blame on luck
goodbye, lay the blame on luck
goodbye, lay the blame on luck
goodbye, lay the blame on luck
i'm so tired
of my mood
and sleep comes
with a knife, fork and a spoon
you're so pale
in your face
you let life
get in your way
and i've seen
you don't need their seeds
when the cut goes in deep
and i'm lost in sleep
am i wrong?
goodbye, lay the blame on luck
goodbye, lay the blame on luck
goodbye, lay the blame on luck
goodbye, lay the blame on luck