Saturday Aug 07, 2004

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I walked inside today and was overcome by this feeling of loneliness.
I hate that.
I had dreams again last night...about the happy couple. I woke up annoyed and feeling a little angry.

The rest of the day seemed to follow in this same pattern.
Spilled coffee on my hand.
Got stuck behind slow drivers.
Dropped a bunch of junk at work.

The shop was slow today so I was sent on my way...back home to save the budget!
I ate Chef Boyardee Pasta for lunch.

White wine is dinner along with a massive urge to clean my house of memories that hurt too bad to talk about.

Ive started small places.
The junk drawer - hidden sentiments of times now lost. Baggies of oversized safety pins, used film which has been avoiding development, cat treats that were Necro's favorite kind.. I wish I could shake that can outside and he would come rub against my heels and cry to be held.

The blue drawers - business plans gone wrong, props for sets that I never shot, card I received on past birthdays.

The pictures - memories, love, fading feelings, notes, cards from their hearts, emotions that flood every cell in my body, find feelings that havent been thought of in months and zap them back into being like Frankenstein after being lit up...


I guess the point is Im trying to simplify.
Downsize,
Minimize,
.......

Everything holds sentimental emotion, attachment, feeling, thoughts, motives, questions, inaccuracies, the pictures which captured a moment in time, a feeling, emotion......which just reminds me of everything all at once.

In any event, I'm trying.


::later:: I thought i heard the ice cream man outside... i heard the song... i ran out there with the change i have laying around and there was no ice cream man.....
paradogmatic:
frown Well - all of that is a double edged sword - its good to hold onto some things as a reminder of good things and also perhaps mistakes one should avoid again. When I moved I found many things I'd forgotten about, some of which I just got rid of but a few I still couldn't bring myself to be rid of.

The strangest item I have is basically one of those signs they put on top of a for-sale sign to say its 'Sold' .. there's a long story behind this and I think I'll inflict it upon you wink

On the night of my high-school graduation dance / dinner ( a 'couple' years ago ), I ended up meeting for the first time this girl, who was the 'date' of a friend of mine. As the night progressed, her and I gravitated towards talking the most and the others were less and less involved.

Upon being tossed out of the house where we were having the after party party, the plan became that the majority of the senior class was to walk all the way to the top of the Mountain here in Montreal and meet up there.

So Siobhan, myself and her date Brendon and another friend of mine Sasha all head off. This was an early spring night, about 2 am, so things had gotten somewhat chilly - we stopped off at my house which was in walking distance for some extra sweaters etc and then started making our way through our neighbourhood. As we wandered up one street, Siobhan and I got the idea that it would be particularly fun to steal Vendu ( Sold ) signs because then people would start getting calls about their houses again - admittedly sort of funny even now, and relatively harmless.

We never made it to the Mountain that night, instead ending up on the forested lawn of Siobhan's school - a private school along the way to the mountain. And here's the funny part - that point is the first time in my life I really ever fell in love with someone. We were both sitting in the misty night, leaning up against the trees. The others were there ( At this point it had been discovered that Brendon and her were simply friends and not dating ).

And so the tragedy of this all strikes - looking back on it now a bit more wise, I realise that we both felt similarly - in at least that there was attraction. We were sitting there, in the quiet night ( the other two had just disappeared ) and it was the time to kiss her - but me being so unaware, I didn't quite catch on .. and soon enough that 'moment' was gone. But wait - it gets worse wink

I was so paranoid later that week that Brendon would freak out, that it took me nearly the whole week to simply get the courage to get her number from him. And even then, I couldn't pick up the phone ..

And the poignant reminder ? Well here's the thing.. I didn't keep a sign that night - so its not a sign from that night that I have .. its the sign she left on my porch one day with a note written to me in lip-liner stick saying to the effect, "Hi - was in the neigbourhood and I thought I'd let you know I was here.."

Afterwards, I tried to get into contact with her ( much later ) -- but I never actually saw her again ..

So - what does the sign remind me to do? To not be so afraid of things, as you may very well let something good just slip away through inaction ...


Anyhow - now I've spammed you enough wink Guess I'm just trying to say don't be rid of everything simply because there may be some pain attached.. reminders are good for you in moderation.
paradogmatic:
smile Well ... then we each are on the other side of the coin ..

Heh - man I hope I didn't get you down that much with my story .. just felt like an apt time to let it out

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