graveshow

This is the last time Ill write about Gemini. To paraphrase RogueX30, shes lost her name.

Gemini accused me of playing the victim. I dont see it that way, however, I see myself more as confused. To play the victim, you have to feel you were wronged in some way. I dont feel wronged.

I feel.just.well. stupid.

I drank the Kool-Aid, I bought the words, I believed that she cared. Hey, thats my fault. Not hers. I should have known better, no? I mean, youd think after everything Ive experienced, the klaxons would have sounded and the flashing dome lights would have spun red-white-red-white while a disembodied female voice overused in far too many sci-fi flicks would repeat Warning! Warning! Warning! at a decibel to make the ears bleed.

Right? Im sure they did. I know that friends said to me, Shes got to feel something, no? and Youve got to have some position in her life, whether you give it a name or not, right?, in that way friends dothat way where friends dont want to come out and hurt you, so they try and get you to see the carrot dangling in front of your face. And even though the magic 8-Ball said Signs point to no, I stood there and defended it all by saying, Yes.

Because she made me feel good. Because I was happy when I was with her. Because that smile, that smile could make you forget all the ills of the world and just fall right into it like a warm pool on a chilly day.

Butin the end, that was all me too.

She didnt make me feel good. I did. And I associated it with her, attributed to her, gave ownership of it to her. Title and deed. Lien free.

But I realized today, that was all me. Never her. She was just she. Just herself. And it all meant far more to me than to her. In my world she was the moon. In her world I was just one star in the sky. Neither brighter nor dimmer than any other. I just allowed myself to believe I was in an orbit, even when I knew better.

I was smitten. As usual. With one who did not, didnt ever, would not, wouldnt ever share the sentiment.

She once said:

Maybe she now knows whats wrong with me.

I wish I did.

Because after months, she would say Cant we JUST be friends? and Why do you want a title, I dont like them. She would say boyfriends arent a good thing, because they come with rules and expectations and she didnt want any of that. She just wanted a friend. This was the reasoning I was given for not being more. This was why I would never know her friends. Never be deeper in her life. Never really feel like part of her life. And I accepted it. I had heard about bits of her past, saw why she might be a bit gun shy, pushed the square peg into the round hole and told myself, it all makes sense.

Yet, now, a month later? She has a boyfriend. Her word, not mine. Her title, not mine. She calls him the boyfriend.

Clearly it wasnt the idea of a boyfriend, it was the idea of ME in that role.

Cest la vie?

So I wish her well. I wish him well. Apparently, she found what she needed. And now shes feeling that happy I thought I was feeling. He makes her happy. Id imagine she makes him happy. No Kool-Aid. No illusions.

And I imagine she discovered the answer to her question of what was wrong with me. Or at least in her eyes what was wrong.

As for me? Im a grown up. Its all good. Yes. Cest la vie.

I dont think theres anything wrong with me.

And Im not a victim.

Im just sometimes pretty damn stupid.