I don't wish ill on others.
Really I don't.
Not because of some moral clause or feeling of superiority or the three-fold law, but simply because it doesn't feel right to wish bad things on people to me.
Last night, for reasons known only to that region I'll never quite understand, I dreamt of HER.
It was shocking a bit...because to be honest, I haven't dreamt of her in a long time. I have my usual weird dreams, forgotten dreams and nightmares...but to the best of my knowledge, none of them have been peopled by HER or any of HER friends and family. Not even after seeing her friends on the train headed to the Phillies parade did her image interrupt my sleep.
So last night, without warning, there SHE was. The contents of the dream don't matter, and I'd never tell you anyway, but for whatever reason, it caused me this morning to look at HER profile on MySpace. And lo and behold, the new profile picture is of HER and him at what is obviously a holiday party.
Whatever. Doesn't matter.
My thought, instantly, was, "Why torture myself? Why did I even go and look so that I could see their smiling faces and have it further hammered home that I am the cast off, the discarded, the refuse?"
I mean, I hadnt looked at her MySpace in so long I could remember the address.
I had to fucking search for it.
Why do I do this?
And I realized that in a sad, masochistic way....
I need this.
I need to see what she is.
I need to have the veneer washed away and have her shown for the lousy human being that she is, shown for the lie that she was.
I need the flood of emotion to wash over me so that I don't miss or want or think....
HER.
Because each time I see it, I miss her less. I make excuses for her less.
Sad. Pathetic. Masochistic.
But cathartic.
Really I don't.
Not because of some moral clause or feeling of superiority or the three-fold law, but simply because it doesn't feel right to wish bad things on people to me.
Last night, for reasons known only to that region I'll never quite understand, I dreamt of HER.
It was shocking a bit...because to be honest, I haven't dreamt of her in a long time. I have my usual weird dreams, forgotten dreams and nightmares...but to the best of my knowledge, none of them have been peopled by HER or any of HER friends and family. Not even after seeing her friends on the train headed to the Phillies parade did her image interrupt my sleep.
So last night, without warning, there SHE was. The contents of the dream don't matter, and I'd never tell you anyway, but for whatever reason, it caused me this morning to look at HER profile on MySpace. And lo and behold, the new profile picture is of HER and him at what is obviously a holiday party.
Whatever. Doesn't matter.
My thought, instantly, was, "Why torture myself? Why did I even go and look so that I could see their smiling faces and have it further hammered home that I am the cast off, the discarded, the refuse?"
I mean, I hadnt looked at her MySpace in so long I could remember the address.
I had to fucking search for it.
Why do I do this?
And I realized that in a sad, masochistic way....
I need this.
I need to see what she is.
I need to have the veneer washed away and have her shown for the lousy human being that she is, shown for the lie that she was.
I need the flood of emotion to wash over me so that I don't miss or want or think....
HER.
Because each time I see it, I miss her less. I make excuses for her less.
Sad. Pathetic. Masochistic.
But cathartic.
Its good to know I am not alone and to hear words from you with such conviction.
My simplest explanation of the recent dream component deals greatly with the time of the year. That's probably why, given it's a time when we reflect on what we have, as much as what differs from seasons past. You will eventually see that time becomes the distance that finds these things beyond the horizon. You've got a full 360 panorama within your reach to interact with. That's where you'll find all the gifts and surprises that are the substance of life.
There's my sage nugget of advice that I hope you take into the new year to implement and benefit from. I hadn't realized you were so close... when things warm up, you should make it over to Millville.
Best wishes, G.