i have made this summer IT for me when it comes to finally losing those last stubborn 30 lbs-ish that have lingered for the past two years. last year i almost did it. got depressed and stopped working out, stopped eating right. then i got the job at b-foods and vowed that since i worked at a healthy food store, i was gonna eat healthy food. that's so laughable it makes me pee my pants...i instead indulged in all the yummy chocolate and treats we have. so about 3 months ago i found that i had actually GAINED a few lbs working there, thus vowing that this summer is it for me. last chance. if i can't do it now, i can't do it ever. 
i had to get angry. angry at people around me for offering me junk food, angry at myself for taking it. angry at the fact that people who are more overweight than me giving me advice on how to lose weight...angry at the fact that my thyroid condition is no excuse, because all along, the medication i've been on has been sufficient. then i bawled my eyes out because i have this THING in my life and i can't be normal. i have this weight, and i've had it middle school. i tried to get rid of it on several occasions, always coming so close, but not quite making it due to sabotaging it. it's almost like something deep inside me wants to stay fat, because it's an excuse to fail. being fat is an excuse, in my opinion. it's an excuse to be mediocre at other things. it's something to blame your failures on.
another challenge is overcoming a compulsive eating...thing. i don't know what to call it. it's not a food ADDICTION. it's emotional eating that takes over when i'm really distressed over something. it's a habit that carries over from childhood when i would eat comfort food to escape some of the pain of being a social reject at school, or the pain of my mom developing a drinking problem while my stepdad had to work outrageous hours and be gone a lot, or the pain of my dad being absent so much of the time. it really can carry over into adult life, and it did for me.
but i'm getting better. i think this time it's IT and i'm finally ready to conquer this demon. a scant few months ago, if something traumatic or distressing had happened...for instance, if me and dario had had an argument for example, i would have made it an excuse to have some cheesecake or chocolate. i mean, it had been a shitty day and i deserved a reward for putting up with the shittiness, and i wouldn't have to deal with the feelings, right? now if i have a shitty day, i do something else to cope with it instead of eating. i'll take a hot bath, or go for a walk to clear my head, or talk about it with someone. and i'm discovering that, lo and behold, it WORKS!
i've tried before and failed. it's no one's fault but my own subconsiousness's...is that even a word? i don't care. you know what i mean, dammit. i've been sensitive about my weight since i first started putting it on in junior high, but now i realize, i was putting it on because i wanted to protect myself, make sure i had an excuse for any kind of failure that happened. it's like if i fail to finish something i started, for instance, it's because i'm fat...i have an ultimate failure, my body shape, to blame everything else on. it's cheap insurance, but it's also very destructive. it's horrifying to me that i've succombed for so long. here i am in my early 20's and while all my friends are in their last year of college, i'm still dragging around as a sophomore/junior-ish....shit, i don't know WHAT i am!
it's almost like my subconsious self and my waking self are in constant conflict with each other. my waking self does NOT want to be fat, of course. for one thing, fat people are trivialized and abhored in this society. it is not cool to be fat. for another, it does have costly effects on one's health. especially when one comes from a family where high cholesterol and heart disease tends to be a problem for a lot of people in the family. but my subconscious self is so afraid of failure that it wants a cheap insurance policy. that insurance policy is FAT. fat can form a layer of blubber around my body and protect me from the outside world. if i'm fat, people will excuse me for all else.
of course i know that's not true. it's psychological, people. it's something i've been battling for a long time, and i'm finally winning! i've asserted myself with people, asking them to PLEASE PRETTY PLEASE not offer me shit i don't need to be eating. i even wrote a note in the log book at my work, asking my co-workers to please not offer me treats, as this will only tempt me and hinder my goals. don't get me wrong, i do allow for the occasional treat, but in EXTREME moderation. and by asserting myself and saying no to bad food that will only harm my body, i have felt the most empowered about anything i've felt in my life.
my family is complying as well. when we eat together, i take all healthy, nourishing food and carefully watch how MUCH i eat. it's not just about food either.
i will share my plan for those interested. it has been working thus far, as i've noticed my clothes fitting looser and have been receiving numorous compliments from dario, my family, and my co-workers...
i have starting religiously exercising in at least some fashion everyday. i'm currently working a schedule of four days per week. on those days, i do a myriad of crunches upon waking, take my thyroid pill (and i have to wait an hour after i take it before eating or it doesn't work right), and get ready for work..shower, brushing teeth, preparing food to take to work with me. i leave money at home and take yummy things with me that i know will be nutritional meals that will satisfy me. on days i know work will be more laid back and chill, i walk to work...it takes about 45 minutes. on days i know it will be more physical, i only walk part of the way, but believe me, i get a decent workout from stocking and running up and down those stairs repeatedly. i eat my breakfast before work. i have a light snack which is usually yogurt or fruit at around 4. i eat lunch at about 6. then i eat dinner when i get home around 10. i go to bed around 1 or 2 am each night. so i'm still eating 2-3 hours before bed, giving my body enough time to metabolize the food. i also refrain from eating starches/carbs that close to bedtime since i am going to be sleeping. that has helped immensely. i'll usually eat a very small portion of lean meat or tofu, then a HUGE ASS lot of leafy greens, and a bit of roasted veggies such as asparugus, beets, or squash. on days i don't have to work, i do copious crunches, i swim laps for at least an hour now that it's summertime (there's a pool at my apartment complex), and i usually end up walking in some facility because i do my errands on foot on my days off, having no car and all.
the most significant thing of all this is, i'm now eating to live, instead of living to eat. i live for LIFE now. i eat food because i need to so i can continue to live and enjoy my life. it's my new attitude about eating as a survival instinct. of course i make the food good and enjoyable, but i enjoy it because i need it, not because i am eating it to cover up some pain. now i talk about how i'm feeling, or write it down, and do something to cope with it instead of hiding it under all this fat. the gristle is melting away this summer, one way or another. then i can buy a whole new wardrobe...oh, i cannot fucking WAIT! i'm going to ritualistically burn all my stupid fat people clothes and dance around the fire naked. i might get arrested, but i don't care!
so, i'm thinking, as a reward for myself, i want to do a pinup style photoset of myself after i get down to my goal, and apply to be a suicide girl. i think it would be something fun for me to do. i'm already feeling more confident and sexy..just imagine after i get the rest of the weight off
i don't even care if they reject me...but if i ended up being a suicidegirl, it would be ever-so-fun! and it would be an awesome thing to add to my resume...
i had to get angry. angry at people around me for offering me junk food, angry at myself for taking it. angry at the fact that people who are more overweight than me giving me advice on how to lose weight...angry at the fact that my thyroid condition is no excuse, because all along, the medication i've been on has been sufficient. then i bawled my eyes out because i have this THING in my life and i can't be normal. i have this weight, and i've had it middle school. i tried to get rid of it on several occasions, always coming so close, but not quite making it due to sabotaging it. it's almost like something deep inside me wants to stay fat, because it's an excuse to fail. being fat is an excuse, in my opinion. it's an excuse to be mediocre at other things. it's something to blame your failures on.
another challenge is overcoming a compulsive eating...thing. i don't know what to call it. it's not a food ADDICTION. it's emotional eating that takes over when i'm really distressed over something. it's a habit that carries over from childhood when i would eat comfort food to escape some of the pain of being a social reject at school, or the pain of my mom developing a drinking problem while my stepdad had to work outrageous hours and be gone a lot, or the pain of my dad being absent so much of the time. it really can carry over into adult life, and it did for me.
but i'm getting better. i think this time it's IT and i'm finally ready to conquer this demon. a scant few months ago, if something traumatic or distressing had happened...for instance, if me and dario had had an argument for example, i would have made it an excuse to have some cheesecake or chocolate. i mean, it had been a shitty day and i deserved a reward for putting up with the shittiness, and i wouldn't have to deal with the feelings, right? now if i have a shitty day, i do something else to cope with it instead of eating. i'll take a hot bath, or go for a walk to clear my head, or talk about it with someone. and i'm discovering that, lo and behold, it WORKS!
i've tried before and failed. it's no one's fault but my own subconsiousness's...is that even a word? i don't care. you know what i mean, dammit. i've been sensitive about my weight since i first started putting it on in junior high, but now i realize, i was putting it on because i wanted to protect myself, make sure i had an excuse for any kind of failure that happened. it's like if i fail to finish something i started, for instance, it's because i'm fat...i have an ultimate failure, my body shape, to blame everything else on. it's cheap insurance, but it's also very destructive. it's horrifying to me that i've succombed for so long. here i am in my early 20's and while all my friends are in their last year of college, i'm still dragging around as a sophomore/junior-ish....shit, i don't know WHAT i am!
it's almost like my subconsious self and my waking self are in constant conflict with each other. my waking self does NOT want to be fat, of course. for one thing, fat people are trivialized and abhored in this society. it is not cool to be fat. for another, it does have costly effects on one's health. especially when one comes from a family where high cholesterol and heart disease tends to be a problem for a lot of people in the family. but my subconscious self is so afraid of failure that it wants a cheap insurance policy. that insurance policy is FAT. fat can form a layer of blubber around my body and protect me from the outside world. if i'm fat, people will excuse me for all else.
of course i know that's not true. it's psychological, people. it's something i've been battling for a long time, and i'm finally winning! i've asserted myself with people, asking them to PLEASE PRETTY PLEASE not offer me shit i don't need to be eating. i even wrote a note in the log book at my work, asking my co-workers to please not offer me treats, as this will only tempt me and hinder my goals. don't get me wrong, i do allow for the occasional treat, but in EXTREME moderation. and by asserting myself and saying no to bad food that will only harm my body, i have felt the most empowered about anything i've felt in my life.
my family is complying as well. when we eat together, i take all healthy, nourishing food and carefully watch how MUCH i eat. it's not just about food either.
i will share my plan for those interested. it has been working thus far, as i've noticed my clothes fitting looser and have been receiving numorous compliments from dario, my family, and my co-workers...
i have starting religiously exercising in at least some fashion everyday. i'm currently working a schedule of four days per week. on those days, i do a myriad of crunches upon waking, take my thyroid pill (and i have to wait an hour after i take it before eating or it doesn't work right), and get ready for work..shower, brushing teeth, preparing food to take to work with me. i leave money at home and take yummy things with me that i know will be nutritional meals that will satisfy me. on days i know work will be more laid back and chill, i walk to work...it takes about 45 minutes. on days i know it will be more physical, i only walk part of the way, but believe me, i get a decent workout from stocking and running up and down those stairs repeatedly. i eat my breakfast before work. i have a light snack which is usually yogurt or fruit at around 4. i eat lunch at about 6. then i eat dinner when i get home around 10. i go to bed around 1 or 2 am each night. so i'm still eating 2-3 hours before bed, giving my body enough time to metabolize the food. i also refrain from eating starches/carbs that close to bedtime since i am going to be sleeping. that has helped immensely. i'll usually eat a very small portion of lean meat or tofu, then a HUGE ASS lot of leafy greens, and a bit of roasted veggies such as asparugus, beets, or squash. on days i don't have to work, i do copious crunches, i swim laps for at least an hour now that it's summertime (there's a pool at my apartment complex), and i usually end up walking in some facility because i do my errands on foot on my days off, having no car and all.
the most significant thing of all this is, i'm now eating to live, instead of living to eat. i live for LIFE now. i eat food because i need to so i can continue to live and enjoy my life. it's my new attitude about eating as a survival instinct. of course i make the food good and enjoyable, but i enjoy it because i need it, not because i am eating it to cover up some pain. now i talk about how i'm feeling, or write it down, and do something to cope with it instead of hiding it under all this fat. the gristle is melting away this summer, one way or another. then i can buy a whole new wardrobe...oh, i cannot fucking WAIT! i'm going to ritualistically burn all my stupid fat people clothes and dance around the fire naked. i might get arrested, but i don't care!
so, i'm thinking, as a reward for myself, i want to do a pinup style photoset of myself after i get down to my goal, and apply to be a suicide girl. i think it would be something fun for me to do. i'm already feeling more confident and sexy..just imagine after i get the rest of the weight off
i don't even care if they reject me...but if i ended up being a suicidegirl, it would be ever-so-fun! and it would be an awesome thing to add to my resume...
love,
me