gothikai

I'm feeling so lonely tonight. I've been depressed lately, too. I'm not sure why exactly, but I think it's mostly in part to my mom's refusal to babysit & my not getting out of the house much because of it. I have felt a bit trapped & haven't had any company for over a week now, except Gabriel. Not that I don't enjoy his company, but it's not the same as having friends...

I have been struggling with trying to decide about whether or not to get back together with Gabe, but the more I think about it, it probably isn't a good idea. If it didn't work before, why would it work now...now when he has girl friends that hang out at his house on a daily basis. I don't think I could deal with that if we were together & he isn't willing to move back to Gordo. Can't say I blame him & besides I like having the place to myself...well, most of the time anyway.

I'm not sure what I even want anymore, like what would make me happy? Do I want to be in a relationship or find a way to move to the beach by myself with 2 kids??? Do I want to keep reaching for body piercing or is there something else that would fulfill me more? I feel so aimless & like I'm reaching for nothing these days. Shouldn't I be moving forward, living life to the fullest...doing more than sitting on my ass watching tv or playing on the computer when I'm not cleaning or caring for my kiddos?

I am in need of some change. I might just whack my hair off tonight, but I doubt it.