Im trying hard to distract myself from feeling really discouraged about the erosion of womens reproductive rights in the States and what it might signal for rights in Canada.
I was going to write some smut, but something threw me off this morning and Im not feeling it. If someone wants to come over and pet me until Im feeling sexy again, I would be totally down with that. But, alas, I think that is not going to happen.
So, instead, I caught up with Polyamory Weekly and have decided that, lacking smut, I will take Minx advice and write a user manual for myself.
Part A
Family Background/History
* Im the oldest child, with one younger sister.
* I was an odd child, socially awkward and overly enthusiastic. In elementary school I considered it my mission to find and befriend the awkward and the outcast, which worked well for me until junior high when I became the unfriendably awkward and outcast myself.
* I had (have?) a freakishly overactive imagination, and spent a lot of time in my imaginary world, being a fairy princess (and by this, I mean that I actually never left my imaginary world between the ages of 7-13, although I was aware that it was imaginary.)
* I was always a bookworm and Ive wanted to be a writer since I was very, very young. I didnt do well in junior high or high school because I was dealing with some mental health issues, but even at my lowest I pulled high 90s in English. My favourite comment on an assignment from a teacher was in grade 9, when my English teacher gave me 98% on a poetry assignment and said Youve ripped out your heart and handed it to me on a silver platter, I can only return it to you intact. My favourite comment ever from a teacher was in grade 10, when my English teacher told my mom that I was grooming myself for eccentricity.
* My dad is a bibliophile, and owns more books than some libraries. He is an obsessive, neurotic, perfectionist control freak and he is capable of the most cutting non-verbal communication I have ever encountered. I am a lot like him, although I try to keep it in check.
* My mom didnt like me much when I was younger.
* My sister and I were incredibly close when we were younger, until junior high. My life started to combust in junior high, in some pretty spectacular ways.
* I have issues with feeling like I am disgusting, even though I know its ridiculous and work very hard to get past it. I told a lie once and was spat on and called a disgusting liar and years of counseling have not made that okay. Seriously, do not ever spit on a 12 year old. Do not spit on anybody! That is not okay.
My Issues (Im adding this to her list, because its super important to understanding me and I still deal with these issues.)
* I have rejection issues. The first guy I slept with dumped me the next day for another girl and I took that as proof that I sucked at sex and was useless as a girlfriend. I was once told that the thought of touching me made my boyfriend at the time feel sick. And there have been two times in my life when I was having sex with my boyfriend at a party, and ended up having something insanely humiliating happen (once I got handcuffed to a bed naked and people came in and laughed at me, and once my boyfriend told everyone else at the party how much I sucked at sex and they laughed at me). I am pretty sensitive to the possibility that I am about to be rejected, and will often shut down in situations where I feel rejected. I can also take appropriate boundary-setting as a rejection, although I work very hard not to. So if you set a boundary with me, and I seem like I am freaking out, you can trust that I am working on keeping my freak out under control and that eventually I will be okay with your boundary. And I will respect your boundary, I feel very strongly about that. If you want to make it a little easier on me, you can reassure me that you still think Im super fab, and just because you have to clarify or set a boundary doesnt mean that you want me to vanish from your life entirely.
* I didnt have an orgasm until I was 27, and until very recently I did not have orgasms very often.
* For most of my late teens and twenties, I believed I was sexually dysfunctional and incapable of having an enjoyable sex life. I didnt like touching my body, and am still learning how to masturbate. Sometimes I refuse to spend any time turning myself on, and then get really angry when I cant have an orgasm after ten minutes of poking angrily at my clit. My body and I are not the best of friends. Im working on this.
* My husband and I were together for 8 years, and most of them were statistically sexless. He told me regularly that I didnt want and wasnt capable of a normal sex life.
* These things all happened in the past (except for the whole body, you suck issue, which Im working on) and for the last three years my life has been infinitely better than I believed it ever could be, in terms of sex and intimacy. However, when I am feeling down or vulnerable, these issues pop up again.
* Someone once said, about me, that they just didnt want to stick their hand in the crazy and sometimes I feel like that is advice most people should take. But Im glad they dont, because I love my social circle and would be sad if they all removed their hands from my crazy.
* I struggle with mental health issues. I have had two serious depressions in my life, first in junior high and again almost two years ago. During those episodes I engaged in some pretty scary self-harming behaviour, and was suicidal. I am very pro-active with my mental health and feel strongly that there is too much stigma and fear and shame attached to mental health issues. Talking about it is difficult for me, but important. I also experience panic attacks in crowds, and have an anxiety disorder that I am pretty good at keeping under control unless Im especially stressed.
Part B
How to turn me on Emotionally
* Keep in touch with me. Let me know that youve been thinking about me every so often, and initiate contact with me at least some of the time.
* Let me feel included in your life. I love knowing whats going on, and feeling like I can be supportive and helpful.
* Tell me that you like me and want to spend time with me, and suggest things that we can do together.
* Tell me stuff you think is funny/happy. I appreciate a partner who will share joy, not just pain. Making me smile or laugh is a great skill. I try to do this for my partners as well, even when there is drama and sadness in my life. (Stolen from Minx)
* Be okay with seeing me cry (although it wont happen often) and hug me if I do cry. Let me see you cry.
* Be willing to say I was wrong or, even better, I was an idiot. Have you ever been friends with or dated someone who was never wrong? I have a very low tolerance for this. Im wrong all the time, myself, and Im not above admitting I was an idiot. In fact, Im usually the first to apologize. Admitting you were wrong with humility and without defensiveness is a huge turn-on for me. Not being able to do this is a deal-breaker. (Stolen verbatim from Minx, I couldnt have said it better.)
* Be willing to stand your ground when you believe I am being an idiot. Heres the key to being with me: I just want to be understood. I dont even need to be right most of the time; I just need to be understood. If you think Im being an idiot or that Im just plain wrong, ask me, Whats going on with you? Listen to me, even if Im ranting. Chances are that once I think you understand my point of view, Ill figure out that youre right on quite a few of your main points. (Also, stolen.)
* Tell/show me you like me for who I am. Ever since I was a kid, in my more vulnerable moments, Ive always feared that no one will love me for who I am. So if you show an interest in getting to know all of me, not just the fun bits, Ill be really grateful, and it will help build trust. Ill like you for being there for the hot bits, and Ill love you if you stick around for the boring, messy, weak or unflattering bits, too. (Stolen, again! So uncreative. But shes so right.)
How to turn me on Sexually: Flirting
* Talk about representations of sexuality and gender in pop culture with me. I am a huge nerd when it comes to these issues and I adore dissecting sex and gender in movies, games, music, ads, tv all of it.
* Talk about Joss Whedons work.
* Talk nerdy to me.
* Take me out to eat. If you do some research and find an independently owned and awesome restaurant that I havent tried (or even one that I have that you had to dig a bit for) it will make me swoon. Take me to a local coffee shop with amazing drinks, take me out for gelato, take me out for brunch. I love food, a lot. A lot. And I love sharing food. It is the best way to my heart.
* Make me food. I love hosting dinner parties and feeding the people I love makes me feel really good, but it means that I dont very often have people cook for me and its such a treat when it happens.
* Dance with me.
* Ask me to read out loud to you. I love reading out loud more than almost anything else, and I most often end up reading out loud to myself. Ask to hear my newest favourite poem or a short story, or Dr. Suess. If you want to turn me on, ask to hear some erotica.
* Read out loud to me. Anything. Poetry, an excerpt from an article or blog, or if you want to turn me on, erotica.
* Tell me stories about your fantasies and daydreams. Or just make up stories. I make up stories all the time, and dont share them very often because its not something adults are supposed to do. If you let me tell you stories about fairy princesses and dragons, I will fall in love with you.
Sexually: Sex (All of this should be preceded by consent, and some kind of physical intimacy already established.)
* Touch me. Seriously, I love being touched. Touch my shoulder when you walk past me, touch my back, hold my hand, stand close to me, play footsie with me, sit close to me and let your knee touch mine. Touch me touch me touch me.
* Talk dirty to me. Especially in inappropriate situations. Lean over and whisper that you want to fuck me while were at a movie, or send me a dirty text while were out for dinner, or push me up against a wall or tree and whisper something naughty to me while were out for a walk. Talking dirty to me will almost always turn me on. A lot.
* Ask me to put on a show for you. I am a huge exhibitionist but feel pretty vulnerable about it, and if you seem interested in seeing me put on lingerie and prance around awkwardly, I will adore you. Bonus points if you pretend Im achieving some kind of graceful performance. I love stripping, and I really enjoy giving lap dances, despite the fact that Im hella awkward.
* Tell me what to do.
* Tie me up.
* Let me tie you up.
* Put your fingers in my mouth while youre fucking me.
* Grab my hair.
* Bite my neck.
* Play with my ass.
* Try new things with me, or at least approach sex with me like it could be new and exciting even if weve been fucking for years. Pay attention to the way I respond to you, and give me lots of feedback when Im touching you.
* Let me watch you masturbate.
* Watch me masturbate.
* Give me lots of cuddles and affection after sex. This is a big deal for me, sometimes more than other times.
Turn offs:
* Acting like you are entitled to sex with me just because weve had sex before. Consent is an on-going process, and past behaviour does not always predict future behaviour.
* Homophobic, transphobic or misogynist comments or views.
* Not getting tested, or not being willing to discuss and practice safer sex.
There! A guide to me. Writing the turn ons was kind of a turn on. I feel better!
I was going to write some smut, but something threw me off this morning and Im not feeling it. If someone wants to come over and pet me until Im feeling sexy again, I would be totally down with that. But, alas, I think that is not going to happen.
So, instead, I caught up with Polyamory Weekly and have decided that, lacking smut, I will take Minx advice and write a user manual for myself.
Part A
Family Background/History
* Im the oldest child, with one younger sister.
* I was an odd child, socially awkward and overly enthusiastic. In elementary school I considered it my mission to find and befriend the awkward and the outcast, which worked well for me until junior high when I became the unfriendably awkward and outcast myself.
* I had (have?) a freakishly overactive imagination, and spent a lot of time in my imaginary world, being a fairy princess (and by this, I mean that I actually never left my imaginary world between the ages of 7-13, although I was aware that it was imaginary.)
* I was always a bookworm and Ive wanted to be a writer since I was very, very young. I didnt do well in junior high or high school because I was dealing with some mental health issues, but even at my lowest I pulled high 90s in English. My favourite comment on an assignment from a teacher was in grade 9, when my English teacher gave me 98% on a poetry assignment and said Youve ripped out your heart and handed it to me on a silver platter, I can only return it to you intact. My favourite comment ever from a teacher was in grade 10, when my English teacher told my mom that I was grooming myself for eccentricity.
* My dad is a bibliophile, and owns more books than some libraries. He is an obsessive, neurotic, perfectionist control freak and he is capable of the most cutting non-verbal communication I have ever encountered. I am a lot like him, although I try to keep it in check.
* My mom didnt like me much when I was younger.
* My sister and I were incredibly close when we were younger, until junior high. My life started to combust in junior high, in some pretty spectacular ways.
* I have issues with feeling like I am disgusting, even though I know its ridiculous and work very hard to get past it. I told a lie once and was spat on and called a disgusting liar and years of counseling have not made that okay. Seriously, do not ever spit on a 12 year old. Do not spit on anybody! That is not okay.
My Issues (Im adding this to her list, because its super important to understanding me and I still deal with these issues.)
* I have rejection issues. The first guy I slept with dumped me the next day for another girl and I took that as proof that I sucked at sex and was useless as a girlfriend. I was once told that the thought of touching me made my boyfriend at the time feel sick. And there have been two times in my life when I was having sex with my boyfriend at a party, and ended up having something insanely humiliating happen (once I got handcuffed to a bed naked and people came in and laughed at me, and once my boyfriend told everyone else at the party how much I sucked at sex and they laughed at me). I am pretty sensitive to the possibility that I am about to be rejected, and will often shut down in situations where I feel rejected. I can also take appropriate boundary-setting as a rejection, although I work very hard not to. So if you set a boundary with me, and I seem like I am freaking out, you can trust that I am working on keeping my freak out under control and that eventually I will be okay with your boundary. And I will respect your boundary, I feel very strongly about that. If you want to make it a little easier on me, you can reassure me that you still think Im super fab, and just because you have to clarify or set a boundary doesnt mean that you want me to vanish from your life entirely.
* I didnt have an orgasm until I was 27, and until very recently I did not have orgasms very often.
* For most of my late teens and twenties, I believed I was sexually dysfunctional and incapable of having an enjoyable sex life. I didnt like touching my body, and am still learning how to masturbate. Sometimes I refuse to spend any time turning myself on, and then get really angry when I cant have an orgasm after ten minutes of poking angrily at my clit. My body and I are not the best of friends. Im working on this.
* My husband and I were together for 8 years, and most of them were statistically sexless. He told me regularly that I didnt want and wasnt capable of a normal sex life.
* These things all happened in the past (except for the whole body, you suck issue, which Im working on) and for the last three years my life has been infinitely better than I believed it ever could be, in terms of sex and intimacy. However, when I am feeling down or vulnerable, these issues pop up again.
* Someone once said, about me, that they just didnt want to stick their hand in the crazy and sometimes I feel like that is advice most people should take. But Im glad they dont, because I love my social circle and would be sad if they all removed their hands from my crazy.
* I struggle with mental health issues. I have had two serious depressions in my life, first in junior high and again almost two years ago. During those episodes I engaged in some pretty scary self-harming behaviour, and was suicidal. I am very pro-active with my mental health and feel strongly that there is too much stigma and fear and shame attached to mental health issues. Talking about it is difficult for me, but important. I also experience panic attacks in crowds, and have an anxiety disorder that I am pretty good at keeping under control unless Im especially stressed.
Part B
How to turn me on Emotionally
* Keep in touch with me. Let me know that youve been thinking about me every so often, and initiate contact with me at least some of the time.
* Let me feel included in your life. I love knowing whats going on, and feeling like I can be supportive and helpful.
* Tell me that you like me and want to spend time with me, and suggest things that we can do together.
* Tell me stuff you think is funny/happy. I appreciate a partner who will share joy, not just pain. Making me smile or laugh is a great skill. I try to do this for my partners as well, even when there is drama and sadness in my life. (Stolen from Minx)
* Be okay with seeing me cry (although it wont happen often) and hug me if I do cry. Let me see you cry.
* Be willing to say I was wrong or, even better, I was an idiot. Have you ever been friends with or dated someone who was never wrong? I have a very low tolerance for this. Im wrong all the time, myself, and Im not above admitting I was an idiot. In fact, Im usually the first to apologize. Admitting you were wrong with humility and without defensiveness is a huge turn-on for me. Not being able to do this is a deal-breaker. (Stolen verbatim from Minx, I couldnt have said it better.)
* Be willing to stand your ground when you believe I am being an idiot. Heres the key to being with me: I just want to be understood. I dont even need to be right most of the time; I just need to be understood. If you think Im being an idiot or that Im just plain wrong, ask me, Whats going on with you? Listen to me, even if Im ranting. Chances are that once I think you understand my point of view, Ill figure out that youre right on quite a few of your main points. (Also, stolen.)
* Tell/show me you like me for who I am. Ever since I was a kid, in my more vulnerable moments, Ive always feared that no one will love me for who I am. So if you show an interest in getting to know all of me, not just the fun bits, Ill be really grateful, and it will help build trust. Ill like you for being there for the hot bits, and Ill love you if you stick around for the boring, messy, weak or unflattering bits, too. (Stolen, again! So uncreative. But shes so right.)
How to turn me on Sexually: Flirting
* Talk about representations of sexuality and gender in pop culture with me. I am a huge nerd when it comes to these issues and I adore dissecting sex and gender in movies, games, music, ads, tv all of it.
* Talk about Joss Whedons work.
* Talk nerdy to me.
* Take me out to eat. If you do some research and find an independently owned and awesome restaurant that I havent tried (or even one that I have that you had to dig a bit for) it will make me swoon. Take me to a local coffee shop with amazing drinks, take me out for gelato, take me out for brunch. I love food, a lot. A lot. And I love sharing food. It is the best way to my heart.
* Make me food. I love hosting dinner parties and feeding the people I love makes me feel really good, but it means that I dont very often have people cook for me and its such a treat when it happens.
* Dance with me.
* Ask me to read out loud to you. I love reading out loud more than almost anything else, and I most often end up reading out loud to myself. Ask to hear my newest favourite poem or a short story, or Dr. Suess. If you want to turn me on, ask to hear some erotica.
* Read out loud to me. Anything. Poetry, an excerpt from an article or blog, or if you want to turn me on, erotica.
* Tell me stories about your fantasies and daydreams. Or just make up stories. I make up stories all the time, and dont share them very often because its not something adults are supposed to do. If you let me tell you stories about fairy princesses and dragons, I will fall in love with you.
Sexually: Sex (All of this should be preceded by consent, and some kind of physical intimacy already established.)
* Touch me. Seriously, I love being touched. Touch my shoulder when you walk past me, touch my back, hold my hand, stand close to me, play footsie with me, sit close to me and let your knee touch mine. Touch me touch me touch me.
* Talk dirty to me. Especially in inappropriate situations. Lean over and whisper that you want to fuck me while were at a movie, or send me a dirty text while were out for dinner, or push me up against a wall or tree and whisper something naughty to me while were out for a walk. Talking dirty to me will almost always turn me on. A lot.
* Ask me to put on a show for you. I am a huge exhibitionist but feel pretty vulnerable about it, and if you seem interested in seeing me put on lingerie and prance around awkwardly, I will adore you. Bonus points if you pretend Im achieving some kind of graceful performance. I love stripping, and I really enjoy giving lap dances, despite the fact that Im hella awkward.
* Tell me what to do.
* Tie me up.
* Let me tie you up.
* Put your fingers in my mouth while youre fucking me.
* Grab my hair.
* Bite my neck.
* Play with my ass.
* Try new things with me, or at least approach sex with me like it could be new and exciting even if weve been fucking for years. Pay attention to the way I respond to you, and give me lots of feedback when Im touching you.
* Let me watch you masturbate.
* Watch me masturbate.
* Give me lots of cuddles and affection after sex. This is a big deal for me, sometimes more than other times.
Turn offs:
* Acting like you are entitled to sex with me just because weve had sex before. Consent is an on-going process, and past behaviour does not always predict future behaviour.
* Homophobic, transphobic or misogynist comments or views.
* Not getting tested, or not being willing to discuss and practice safer sex.
There! A guide to me. Writing the turn ons was kind of a turn on. I feel better!
And if you were nearer id come over and pet you and talk to you about Joss Whedon and his representations of strong women in geek culture.