you've lost me... i didn't lose you
but who really cares in the end
you won't see me
and i won't see you
i'd rather it be dramatic
this way and with some romance
but that was over a long time ago
and like good mates we's shakes hands
and in the midst of whatever ill event may befall us
we as allies would come to call.... ahhhh forget this pirate bullshit
i sense you have pulled up stakes on you and i just being friends
i shame you for that.... we have so much to offer... you're doing what everyone does
Here was my reply:
I'm sorry. I don't mean to disconnect from you so much. But it's hard not to. Our alienation as friends also means you aren't seeing inside my daily life.
The past year has been ridiculously busy, even by my standards. Can you recall last spring when you tried to make me feel bad for neglecting my bike? Well, that's just one example of all the things I don't have time for. I've even gained weight because I haven't had time to exercise.
Do you know there are some days that I literally don't have time to go to the bathroom and take a shit?
Naturally it's not that busy every day. But I've lived like this so long that even on days when I am free, with no obligations or responsibilities, I still feel guilty for being "lazy" or a "slacker" if I'm not doing laundry, cleaning the tiles in the bathroom, etc.
But the worst part of all is trying to make time for friends. First, there's Ray, who keeps me sane. Hanging out with him is like concentrated leisure time. We watch movies, play games, have sex... all the things that I don't have time for but I do anyway because otherwise I'd snap.
The rest of my friends don't often see me. Once or twice a week, I make it to a gathering. If I'm lucky, someone will have a party and I can see a bunch of friends all at once. That's how I do it these days- maximize my friend-time by hanging out with everyone at once.
But of course that's some ineffective superficial friend-time. I miss the one-on-one hanging out times... the walks with Debbie in Fairmount park, the pizza & wine nights at Beth's, the late night Blue Comet with Holly, the poker games at Mark's house. Even Happy Hour is gone.
I thought we had a great time at Campbell's field... I wish we could do something like that again. I keep looking ahead, thinking, "when the semester is over, I'll have free time again." But that's Christmas season, full of all kinds of other responsibilities. Then it all starts again.
I hate losing friends to neglect. I just want you to know, it's not you. I try to make an effort to talk a little online, on the phone, whatever... but even now I am neglecting vital school work (paper due tonight but I'm skipping class and turning it in later cuz I'm training for a new restaurant job and I have a menu quiz tonight that I ought to be studying for but I think I should go by the library first before my next class cuz I won't have time before I have to catch the train and I gotta pick up my check and somehow get to a bank before training shift starts...)
I figured it was important to let you know why I'm not around. I want to get together, hang out, hear about your life lately and listen to some new lyrics. I don't want to keep telling you "later" and "some other time" but I'm going crazy and I can't think about making time right now. Perhaps some night soon we can have dinner and hang out. Weeknight, end of November? after thanksgiving but before finals week? or perhaps mid-december, after finals. Remind me later when it's closer to those times.
I hope you understand all this, and don't think I'm brushing you off on purpose. You're a unique friend, and nobody could replace you. Don't give up on me... I'll be back someday.
-Melanie Nancy
