A Hard Boiled Christmas
Yeah I was down and out on the holidays. I got my job back as a mall Santa, but I was sure sad. I had nobody to celebrate Christmas with. I could have cried, but no kid wants to see their hero with tears rolling down his cheeks, sobbing uncontrollably. So I turned to the bottle. I found myself at the Slaughtered Lamb that night, a little bar out in the country, and I sat at that bar stool collecting my thoughts, thinking about the issues of men! Thinking about how I had everything in that sack except a woman.
I felt a tug on my sleeve. I looked over and a kid was looking up at me with this huge smile on his kisser.
"Jeepers, its you Santa!?" he said to me.
"Oh shit." I muttered.
"Golly gosh, mister! I can't believe I'm face to face with Santy Claus!" the kid said excitedly, bouncing up and down.
"Scram kid, ya bother me!" I said loudly.
"Aww mister, why'd you have to snap at me like that?" he said fighting back tears.
"I thought I'd be safe at this bar. It's a quiet bar, ya see. It's outta the way," I said.
Then his mom showed up. When she first approached me I said to the kid, "Who's the skirt? She's got some great gams on her, mack."
"That's my mom, mista!"
"Yeah, I'm his mom!" She says to me, "What's your problem? I see you talking trash to my son, Billy."
Feeling rather dizzy with this dame, I offered to buy her a drink. She said to me, "No way, but you can apologize to Billy for what you said."
I said to her, "Shut yer yap, sista, I'm not apologizing to nobody!" I signalled to the bartender to get her a gin and tonic. "I don't see a wedding ring.."
"Is that any of your business?" she said to me.
"I could make it my business."
"And I could make your business mine!"
"Oh you wouldn't like it, sista, the pay's too small."
The bartender gave the broad her drink. She sat at the stool next to mine and I could feel the sexual tension between us.
"What's wrong with you?" she asked.
"Nothing you can't fix, lady."
"I don't like your manners." she said angrily.
"Don't waste your time trying to cross examine me and my manners, honey." I pounded back my drink and put my hand on her knee.
"Hmm?" she said, looking down.
"You wanna tell me?" I asked.
"Tell you what?"
"When we leave to get a room?"
Man! She slapped me! FOUR TIMES!! That shit stung! Even my three legged cat at home felt that!
I was kicked out of the bar too, and told never to return. The bartender threatened to put my picture up on the cash register too. I told him next time I see him, we are gonna box. I'd squeeze his nuts if he got me to the ground. I'd knuckle his face up! I yelled on the way out that I was going to drop him like a toolbox, but unfortunately I slipped on ice and everyone laughed at me.
Merry Christmas.
Yeah I was down and out on the holidays. I got my job back as a mall Santa, but I was sure sad. I had nobody to celebrate Christmas with. I could have cried, but no kid wants to see their hero with tears rolling down his cheeks, sobbing uncontrollably. So I turned to the bottle. I found myself at the Slaughtered Lamb that night, a little bar out in the country, and I sat at that bar stool collecting my thoughts, thinking about the issues of men! Thinking about how I had everything in that sack except a woman.
I felt a tug on my sleeve. I looked over and a kid was looking up at me with this huge smile on his kisser.
"Jeepers, its you Santa!?" he said to me.
"Oh shit." I muttered.
"Golly gosh, mister! I can't believe I'm face to face with Santy Claus!" the kid said excitedly, bouncing up and down.
"Scram kid, ya bother me!" I said loudly.
"Aww mister, why'd you have to snap at me like that?" he said fighting back tears.
"I thought I'd be safe at this bar. It's a quiet bar, ya see. It's outta the way," I said.
Then his mom showed up. When she first approached me I said to the kid, "Who's the skirt? She's got some great gams on her, mack."
"That's my mom, mista!"
"Yeah, I'm his mom!" She says to me, "What's your problem? I see you talking trash to my son, Billy."
Feeling rather dizzy with this dame, I offered to buy her a drink. She said to me, "No way, but you can apologize to Billy for what you said."
I said to her, "Shut yer yap, sista, I'm not apologizing to nobody!" I signalled to the bartender to get her a gin and tonic. "I don't see a wedding ring.."
"Is that any of your business?" she said to me.
"I could make it my business."
"And I could make your business mine!"
"Oh you wouldn't like it, sista, the pay's too small."
The bartender gave the broad her drink. She sat at the stool next to mine and I could feel the sexual tension between us.
"What's wrong with you?" she asked.
"Nothing you can't fix, lady."
"I don't like your manners." she said angrily.
"Don't waste your time trying to cross examine me and my manners, honey." I pounded back my drink and put my hand on her knee.
"Hmm?" she said, looking down.
"You wanna tell me?" I asked.
"Tell you what?"
"When we leave to get a room?"
Man! She slapped me! FOUR TIMES!! That shit stung! Even my three legged cat at home felt that!
I was kicked out of the bar too, and told never to return. The bartender threatened to put my picture up on the cash register too. I told him next time I see him, we are gonna box. I'd squeeze his nuts if he got me to the ground. I'd knuckle his face up! I yelled on the way out that I was going to drop him like a toolbox, but unfortunately I slipped on ice and everyone laughed at me.
Merry Christmas.
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