gomental

Now I grew up in Canada, doing the usual things that Canadians do. You know, saying the word "ABOOT" and "Hoser" while drinking beer at the age of 3. Okay, maybe that's not entirely accurate. I forgot to add the part where I used to pull jerseys over peoples heads and beat them senseless. Yes, everyone in Canada wears hockey jerseys. And flannel. I couldnt make this up if I tried, EH!

Well another thing us Canadians can brag aboot is our TV shows. You Americans think you are so special with your "CSI" and "Friends" types of shows! Well guess what? You suck! And not only that... EH!! Ha! EH!! *tugs shirt collar* Eh.. that's all I got really. *deep sigh*

"There's a voice that keeps on calling me.
Down the road, that's where I'll always be.
Every stop I make, I make a new friend.
Can't stay for long, just turn around, and I'm gone again.
Maybe tomorrow, I'll want to settle down.
Until tomorrow, I'll just keep movin' on.
So if you want to join me for a while,
Just grab your hat, we'll travel light.
That's hobo style.
Maybe tomorrow, I'll want to settle down.
Until tomorrow, I'll just keep movin' on."

Yes, those are the lyrics to the classic show, "The Littlest Hobo". Man, that dog kicked ass. Okay here is the basic premise of this show: London is an extremely intelligent, wandering German shepherd who walks into a different place in each episode of this long-running television series, and comes upon people down on their luck or in trouble. London always befriends and helps the struggling person or persons. Then, when his job is done at episode's end, London declines to be the pet of the people he has helped and departs to continue his cross-country drifting.



Geeze. Why is it whenever a dog tries to befriend me, he mounts my back and tries to hump me? Man.. Well anyway, I was up at London's ranch up in Northern Ontario and I asked him straight up, "Dude, why did the show go off the air in 1985? You still had some gas left in the tank, no?" That dog says to me, "Man, I messed with the wrong guy that year. Let me tell you, I foiled this grand scheme. A bank robbery and what not. This dude had all the money in an Adidas bag and was trying to jump on a train, so I did what any hobo would do, and I bit that ass!"

I was on the edge of my seat, eating the Kibbles N' Bits that London's bitch put out for us guys to eat. London pipes up, "Man, I left three teeth in his leg. Small fragments of teeth that are still in that dudes leg! He pulls out a rifle and shoots my ass! He blasted me! BOOOOOOOOOOOM!! After that I thought I'm in the wrong business and was a little antsy around these types of people, so I retired and opened up a dog brothel."

Wow! I had no idea. I figured the show just had low ratings! And who knew he was REALLY solving crimes?? I thought the show was just horribly written with bad actors?! Wow.

Moving on, there was another WEIRD ASS show called "The Hilarious House of Frightenstein". Dude. Where do I start? It's about this big castle full of monsters. It was marketed for kids and usually aired on Saturday mornings or early on weekday mornings.. I remember watching this show before I went to school. And VINCENT PRICE used to do the voiceover at the beginning of the show! DUDE!! Vincent Price! Now that is an actor! Man. If he were still alive, I'd let him wear my pants and use my bathroom ANYDAY.



So anyway, at the beginning of every episode, we see this green dude, a vampire originally named The Count. He's always standing in front of this box of sagging tulips talking to them, trying to get them to sprout. Then this guy named Igor shows up, probably a little drunk because every episode he stumbles down the steps wearing this stupid raincoat (since it rains every episode). He ALWAYS tries to slip by the Count unnoticed, but Igor is really FAT so its not that easy. The Count lectures him every single time for being late and demands to know why the dude can never make it there on time. Igor, with beer on the breath, of course tries to lie, but the Count has better things to do, like raise the flag of Transylvania and sing the Anthem and the Pledge.

[Igor, singing to the tune of the Battle Hymn of the Republic]
Gory, gory Transylvania
Where werewolves and bats will always maim ya
The murky moor will likely claim ya
As we go stumbling through-oooo-oooo-ooooo...

[Count, spoken]
I pledge by the sign of the three toed sloth
To do my best to do my duty
To always obey the laws of the werewolf pack
And to never rest, until Brucie lives once more
And takes his rightful place in the annals of distinguished monsters
And I can once again return to that most goriest of homelands...

[Igor]
Gory, gory Transylvania
As we...
Go...
Stum-...
bling...

[Count]
Through-oooooooooooooooooo!

[Igor]
(various fawning remarks, let me kiss your cape, etc.)

There were just so many dopey characters on this show, and I'd need all night to tell you about them, so I'll just get to the point. The Wolfman carried this show. The Wolfman was based on the famous radio DJ, Wolfman Jack.. Except this guy really was a werewolf! He was a dirty hippy of course, and was not exactly what you would call a fashion plate. Here, take a look for yourself:



So the Wolfman's role on the show was nothing more than him and Igor dancing to rock n' roll music from the late 60's and early 70's. But man, the dude carried that show! He had a true screen presence. I have to quote Paris Hilton and say, "That's hott." I mean, the dude got all the best lines on the show like "I am da Wolfman!" and then he'd bust out this pimpin howl! He'd be sitting there at his console, this table with a microphone and a turntable that doesn't turn. He'd say a few words, throw a shout out to his various bitches, and then the phone would ring with someone calling in to bust that rap. Before you knew it, it was TCB Time! HOWWLLLLLLLLLL... Time to Take care of Business! The Wolfman would then slap the day's single on the turntable and play this song, baby! Yeah man. Once this song began the Wolfman couldn't sit there any longer and had to cut a rug. He would grab his bat guitar, and run from behind the table to this green screen set up against a wall that would play these swirling magical looking patterns of constantly changing colors.



What a trip! All you would see is his silhouette along with Igor who had the crash the party EVERY time. Those two dudes would dance. Igor was never too good and I personally took offense when he would spread his buttcheeks and did the funky chicken. But the Wolfman! DUDE!!! The Wolfman had it goin on, bitches! He had his signature step, this smooth ass sliding motion. The two of them would dance for a few minutes and then it would just end. That's as good as it got!

I thought I'd head down to the House of Frightenstein and see what everyone was up to. Man, do I got a story for you! Peep this! LOL! Dude! Last night I go to this party at the House of Frightenstein with a pal o' mine. There were GIRLS EVERYWHERE. I see some people I know like Igor and The Librarian, this old curmudgeon who haunts the castle library. So I grab a beer and pretend like I drank some and talk to my buddies while girls were checking us out and what not. This girl comes up to me while I was in the middle of a story and she asks me for a bit of my time! She says to me, "How can a castle witch get with a guy like you?"

This is the girl:



So I tell her that I'm not interested and she gets mad and tells me she is gonna turn me into a goat. I said, "Whatever, I'm not interested!" She goes back to her ghoulish friends, a bunch of crazy looking goths and tells them what I said. So these girls come over without her and say, "Why don't you like our girl?" I'm like, I don't even know that bitch and I dont know you bitches. They got all bent out of shape from the bitch comment and started yelling and arguing while I laughed at them. Fortunately it was time to go, so I grabbed some party food and made my exit. That's about it.