I found out just now that last night, my mom was suicidal and called 9-1-1. The police came to my parents house in the middle of the night. Do suicidal people call for help like that? I'm feeling kinda shocked right now. Fuck.
And she won't talk to me... just tells me that she's "not ok". My going to be there with her isn't going to help so I don't want anyone to comment on how I should do that. However, I do think that one has to make the choice to "be ok". You can be not dealing at all, be very unhappy... but you can force yourself to be ok, to believe that you will be, to do things that will ensure that... and this is hard and next to impossible sometimes. I don't know. Maybe I don't know anything. But then again, I know so much. This is so fucked up.
I have realized that I'm a fighter. As much as I might whine and cry and complain and "emo out" all the time about things... I am still very tough and resilient and try to be hopeful and optimistic and a literal fighter. My mom made me that way, because she is also an inherent fighter and she just doesn't give up either. I know that I will not ever give up either, no matter what, despite my random claims of doing so. I won't, because I am a FUCKING FIGHTER. Seeing her in this weak and pained and cowardly state... I feel almost like I don't have anything to fight for either right now. Then the other part of me says YES, YES YOU DO Gin... even when I don't know it all the time.
I'm going to put up the fight. I know what is important to me, and WHO is important to me (both family and otherwise, I think you know who you are) and its time to fight for that. Even if it kills me... but I will not go quietly.
"And don't you ever feel like glass? Fragile, hurting, letting it pass."
-Blindside
And she won't talk to me... just tells me that she's "not ok". My going to be there with her isn't going to help so I don't want anyone to comment on how I should do that. However, I do think that one has to make the choice to "be ok". You can be not dealing at all, be very unhappy... but you can force yourself to be ok, to believe that you will be, to do things that will ensure that... and this is hard and next to impossible sometimes. I don't know. Maybe I don't know anything. But then again, I know so much. This is so fucked up.
I have realized that I'm a fighter. As much as I might whine and cry and complain and "emo out" all the time about things... I am still very tough and resilient and try to be hopeful and optimistic and a literal fighter. My mom made me that way, because she is also an inherent fighter and she just doesn't give up either. I know that I will not ever give up either, no matter what, despite my random claims of doing so. I won't, because I am a FUCKING FIGHTER. Seeing her in this weak and pained and cowardly state... I feel almost like I don't have anything to fight for either right now. Then the other part of me says YES, YES YOU DO Gin... even when I don't know it all the time.
I'm going to put up the fight. I know what is important to me, and WHO is important to me (both family and otherwise, I think you know who you are) and its time to fight for that. Even if it kills me... but I will not go quietly.
"And don't you ever feel like glass? Fragile, hurting, letting it pass."
-Blindside
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I'm terribly sorry to hear about your mom, and I hope that things get better in your family life so you can all enjoy the good stuff that is out there, but hard to find. (sorry if that made no sense).