godcldinsick

Well I guess I just don't belong here..I probably don't belong anywhere..
It's funny how some people have no problem speaking with others..and yet I'm unable to
talk to anyone even the ones that say they are friends.
I dunno why I can't socialize well..all I know is it has kept me alone for 25 agonizing years and the way things are turning out..I don't want to see 26.
Maybe thats the reason why I think all the friends I've had are just not friends at all..I've never really understood how everyone could say how fucking awesome I am to hang out with..when
I hardly ever have anything to contribute to conversations..and just usually end up sitting by myself..like I'm just the middleman..and nobody really wants me there.
Isn't it fucking wonderful when all your friends just come around when theres now one else to talk to..or hang out with..then I guess your important..yeah that really makes me feel special.
I'm the fucking nicest guy anyone could ever meet..Always there for others when they need someone to cry to, always giving..yeah I guess thats why I go out of my way and include whoever wants to
join me on my little excursions.
I fucking took a friend from Denny's on a week vacation to Las Vegas just cause she wanted to go someday..and I told her I'd take her as friends..
Damn and thats all I expect from people I do things for..thats all I want..just there friendship.
I am nice to everyone I meet and yet I have to live my fucking life without anybody. And my friends say I've got the world and I should be happy..yeah
I've got the fucking world..just now one to share anything with..Nah you can have it I've fallen off the edge one too many times. I'm not doing it anymore.

Thats ok it doesn't matter right..you can live life without love, companionship, friendship, people to talk to..You just can't live it very sanely.
You now the real sad thing is nobody around me even notices all the pain and suffering I've gone thru..and am forced to keep going thru. They all think my life's a fucking blast cause I'm always
out and about having fun, going on trips, to shows, ect..yeah it's a real blast to do everything by yourself.
Then theres the friends who come and talk to me about there relationships..*and so and so did this to me now what should I do..you get the picture*..
And even though I seem like I'm ok with that and listen..It tears me apart inside and I just wanna run..far..far away.
I've never even had a chance at a frieking relationship and you wanna come and ask me advise on yours..yeah ok heres what I'd do if I was.. Arrgh I cant fucking take this shit.

I just can't hold on anymore..I can't fucking do this, I cant pretend my life's a bowl of cherries when it's not.. I'm suffering the Hom-Dai..it's killing me more and more..day by day. I'm just not accepted in this world by anyone. Nobody wants to get to know me..And everyone leaves me alone.
Where the hell is my special someone..What the fuck did I ever do to anyone to be hated and cursed this way.
Fuck I'm just a 25 year old kid that loved to have fun..but the fun has been drained out of me..now I just walk around in the dark searching for
something I'll never find..I don't want to search anymore.

Yeah well enough rambling nobodys going to read or care about what I'm writing anyways. it's 5am, I've been driving up and down the lonely freeway all night long again, I'm wired on coffee..sick of thinking and I've got that
Millencolin concert tonight in Seattle..though I may just end up staying at home..cause I wanted to see some people I thought may have been my friends, but I guess I was wrong..they don't talk to me anymore.
Or probably I was right all along, after all I kinda expected that, just didn't want to believe it. This time I thought things might be different, maybe someone out there would care, nope I should've just trusted my judgment..I mean in what world would someone like that ever want to be friends with someone like me..Such a world doesn't exist..I'd really love to know why they just wrote me off the face of the earth though, I don't understand that one..it seemed like we had a ton of the same interests.
Oh well I won't buy anyone free tix to a show ever again..In fact I'm going to stop buying things for people that wanna have fun all together.
Damn I just realized I wrote all this..see what too much coffee and too much time at night can do to a person..I should be writing up new songs for my band that doesn't exist yet..or passed out
from alcohol I don't drink..God I love my life..Give me sleep..Give me Death..Give me something to live for..Nah fuck it just ignore me like everyone else does I'm used to that.