godcldinsick

So ya wanna know how my life's going and where I've been lately huh.. Ok here let me try and start somewhere near
the beginning if I can.
Ok so guess what.. I'm having a midlife crisis at the sweet age of 25..Well actually my entire frieking life has been one great big crisis..
So I did what anyone losing their mind would do..I bought a new toy..** see pic at the bottom **
Yeah I know I'm going fucking nuts in this place I can't escape from.
Well I have been to some really kick ass shows in my life but these past few months have been nothing short of concert overdose..
Motley Crue..Greenday..Megadeth..Anthrax..NIN..System Of A Down..some others I forget the names but yeah lots O shows.
Ok here's the breakdown.. I treated another so called friend of mine who I met in a resteraunt to see Megadeth and Anthrax with me..She was
completely in awe as she never has been to a live show before.. So ok that's cool I invited her we talked a bit..I found out her birthday was coming up soon and
she'd be turning 21..She loves my kind of music so sweet I bought her Nine Inch Nails and System Of A Down tix..
Well we ended up going to see NIN in Seattle..Fucking Killer Show I might add.. And so everything sounds good right... Oooo but wait theres a catch to this story. I like her alot but
she's got a loser of a boyfriend in another city thats cheating on her..I've asked her why she's with him if he treats her like shit..she tells me I dunno..because I'm stupid and we see each other once a week so it works.
well ok that's not cool it seems she just wants to hang out at shows with me..see before we went she asked me if I had another ticket so that her boyfriend could go with us...OOoo that hurt. I told her she should just take him,
I'd give up my ticket and her and him could have fun. Well she got mad and told me that wouldn't be fair to me..I really didn't care..I bought the tix for her.
Well ok so then after the show I asked her if she wanted to go see Corpse Bride with me the next day..She told me of course that will be great..and so then her boyfriend calls and comes over so I got aced..Yeah she blew me off
ok thats not that bad right...Well ok so then I call her up see whats going on but she doesn't return my call until like a couple days before the System show. Yeah well I'm a very understanding person if she's still attached to
the guy I'm trying not to let it bother me. Yeah well everything is cool..then the night of the show she calls and cancels on me..WTF...She's stuck at home and her parents won't let her go out..well thats what she told me anyway.
Well anyhow I ended up going without her..Soo yeah System was spectacular..but the fact I had to be there alone again fucking blew..so yeah I was sad the whole night.
Ok so I come back home and she calls me up...cause yeah get this....OOOoo Erik your so easy to talk to and all so I need your advise on another guy who might like me...I wanted to throw the fuck up the entire conversation,
but listened to her tell me how this guy she kinda liked but never had any interest in her before all of a sudden really likes her..she asks me what I think she should do and yeah..I'm everybodys fucking counselor..he he I should
start charging people. God this is way more complicated and depressing than what my frail hands can type out..please do bear with me I'll change the subject soon..
Ok so I'm so damn wonderful to people they all say..yeah so wonderful they all look right past me..I'm just everyone's stepping stone..like one of my acquaintances said.. Your the sweetest nicest guy in the world..
your just not boyfriend material..Friggin Wonderfull.
Well anyways the moral to this mess is this..I'm crazy for the girl..she says she likes hanging out with me yeah ok we only really hang at shows..God is that all I'm good for these days.
I'll tell her now how I feel about her and prob never get to talk with her again..or I'll give her more time and watch
somebody else sweep her off her feet.. So like with everyone else I've had feelings for I lose either way..go figure I'll be back to square 1 all over again. I'm becoming too fucking old for square 1 bs anymore.

I don't know who's friend and who's just using me anymore..So I end up not trusting anyone.
The thing is this.. I am so sick and tired of cutting off my own arms for people who say that their friends of mine..but unless I'm paving their way for something to do they never call me up or come around..it's as if I just
plain don't exist anymore. Who know's maybe I don't.

And do you wanna know what I'm doing when there's no show to go to, no place to go...I sit at home alone staring up at the celing trying to understand why nobody gives a damn...Why I'm alone in my room instead of
being out and about having fun..waiting for day to turn to night so I can wander up and down the highway to hang for a while in a coffee shop by myself a hundred miles away..praying that maybe there might be someone there
this time..only to go home alone again and sing songs for the stars above thinking to myself maybe someone out there is listening.
Yes doesn't that sound just so much fun. Hey if ya happen to see someone out there on the freeway with the words UNWNTED written on the license you can honk and say hi.
So yeah it matters not if I stay here in Chehalis..or if I go to another city, state, country..the end results always going to be the same. Your so wonderful..hmm just not boyfriend material..sorry honey looks like you lose.

But hey I'm used to it..I've lived like that all my life so it's pretty much routine for me now. I will say this though and please do forgive me if this comes out wrong..I'm trying to keep my composure here but my hands are really
shaken right now but hey I'm doing the best I can.
You see I'm soo damn sick and tired of everyone out there that says they'll never find that someone and their all alone again..and they are like 17,18,20 or somewhere around that age but they have at least had
someone in their life once or twice..Yeah ok whatever I feel for you..but you know what your young, you still hang out and have fun with your own social circle of friends..you still have people to talk to.

I'll tell you what..When you've been on the outside looking in..no girls, no love, no lust, no life..no real person out there you can trust..and when you've done absolutely everything in your power to please everyone else out there
without expecting a fucking thing besides acceptance in return..And you've lived that way for 25+ years then you can tell me there's nobody out there for you.
You wanna know what it's like to have the world in the palm of your fucking hand and be so damn close to solving that last piece of the puzzle, only to have one fatal flaw in your life that makes everything else fall completely
apart. Yeah well you know what that one little missing piece is...Love..yeah thats right love...without it there is nothing worth living for.
You know why I'll always be depraved of love...huh..My inability to keep a fucking conversation with someone..Thats right I'd be better off as a fucking mute.
I plain just can't converse well with others..It's not because I'm shy or anything cause I'll sing for just about anyone at anytime..so it's not cause I'm shy..I just don't like to bullshit people..I'm not a player,
I don't go around telling lies to impress people..I tell things strait up.. I'm nice to people not cause I'm after anything but cause I enjoy making others feel happy..even if I'm feeling dead on the inside..and well I just
can't accept this shit anymore..It's been too long now..I'm in a broken state of S.O.S!
I've run the fuck out of time now.. I swear to ! I'm prob not going to see a day past 26..26 is the final curtain call...I'll end it all on double 13 and not one single solitary soul is going to save me before my time comes
to it's end. Thats my destiny now..it's my destiny to be alone..so be it. I wish I could resort to drugs, alcohol, or smoking to numb my pain..but no I'll take it raw. Can you do that my friend and not drive yourself to fucking
insanity. Can you last that long alone..without any outlet to turn to, save a journal that nobody reads or responds to. Go ahead try it..I bet you swallow yourself whole. The pains way to much for me to handle anymore..
I'm strong but eventually even the strongest will break..and now I can no longer hide that pain away and pretend every things ok...cause trust me everything is far far from being ok.
dammnett All I ever wanted in this life was to have my sweet little punk rock raver girl by my side..wrap her arms around me and let me know everything was going to be ok..
Instead I have been giving the gift of death..cold and numb inside I'll sleep forever. But you don't care do you..say you do but I can see through you to know you really don't. hey who the hell is
even going to read this..I swear I'm typing my feelings out to imaginary friends. Look at all the people that come say hi to me...Oh well thats life for you.. and if anybody out there in outer space is listening well I hope that
your life is all wine and roses..goodnight.