Friday May 23, 2003

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I find it beyond amazing how so many of you can survive in cities. What is the allure?

I myself cannot stand an urban environment. I cannot believe the extent of the depression I am experiencing, not being able to get myself and my family back to home.

Home is an interesting word. I have only lived there for a total of about 4 months. But to walk among the meadows, the brush, the trees...to dip my face in a cold running stream unaffected by urban flood control measures, that is home.

Why is it that so many of you abandon your right to a good, pure, fruitful life where YOU make the rules, only to exist in a piss-curb urban environment? Fun? is fun anything other than what you do with your time?

I do not suppose I will ever understand, but I have never been in such a low place. I have never hurt this much for the want of something else. To be free and to walk amongs the trees and soils of old. To live the way life was intended, to fight for my family's independace.

I feel like a broken shadow of a man. I feel like I have entirely betrayed my bloodline. I am entirely embarrassed and subdued. I just do not feel worthy of that which made me.
VIEW 7 of 7 COMMENTS
le:
i think i like the city because i like most places and things, and i like to experience them all as part of the fun of life. seeing what humans have made and done is interesting. contributing is also fulfilling. but i also have lived in nature for long periods of time and really love it too. when i am in suburban environments, or cities that aren't in my list of a select few cities where i can feel alive and magical (feeding on the energy of a million other humans and their emotions and interactions which surround you like a blanket)(nyc and sf really), i feel terrible. generally being in most of the suburban world, middle america, anywhere but sf or nyc, makes me feel upset. something about large cities is comforting though, it's colony feeling, the camradery of space, the true intense overthetopness of mashing yourself into the scene. but i'm flexible and i want to experience most things. i would never have an allegience, to urbanity or to nature, at least in any practical way. conceptually i think humans relate to nature much better. and i know i have been clearer and more aware when living in nature.

it's hard for me to understand your vehemence on this matter. surely having seen it and done it is worthy - not a betrayal of your bloodline or a self desructive thing. sometimes you must do things to learn what you fucking hate doing.

godspeed.



greggster:
You know....i have always been a city boy....its pretty much all i have known. I grew up in LA and then relocated to Sacramento as a teen. That move was like torture for me as we moved to a small town and I hated it for years. This weekend we went into the hils of Nevada City to the studio where we recorded our Cd and it's basically in the middle of nowhere. It was very peaceful,
had a pond that i fished from and caught abut a million baby bass. I just know in my heart that while I loved the break I would go stir crazy being so secluded for too long but i now understand your love for it.

[Edited on May 28, 2003]

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